Lived Experience Forum

[queenofthestone]

Hi everyone, nice to talk to a local group. I've lurked about a couple of times and I think I need a local perspective. 

At the end of last year I was diagnosed Bipolar 2 and only recently started properly trialing medication. I had no idea it would be taking so long to see any changes, and quite frankly I haven't felt much difference. People have told me to hang in there and wait til I get to a theraputic dose. My father also had some form of bipolar but wasn't formally diagnosed as he hated the label of 'being mental', which was fun times all around living with him at home. He died earlier this year and I always regret that he didn't get proper help because he'd likely be alive today if he did. I'm hoping that I can be an apple that falls a bit further from the tree in that regard, and start taking proper care of my mental and physical health. I want to be a person that doesn't burden my family with my illness.

So I'd like to bring up a diemma I'm in and see if anyone can offer advice:

I work at a place I don't particularly like but it pays pretty good, is close to home and has a lot of leeway when it comes to taking time off (my boss is a manipulative ass though). It took years for me to grow out of my social anxiety, and that energy not wasted on anxiety I used to get more hours of work. I was productive! At the same time I was at uni and because of depression it took 5.5 years to finish my 4 years degree. It was only useful for six months because of depression issues, and then I went back to the job I barely like because its familiar and comfortable. 

Anyway, I've decided to go back to uni for something I'm truly passionate about and, coupled with work and medication trials, its kicking my butt -- this is only part time study and 14 hours a week of work. I can't possibly work more than 1 day a week when I take up full time next year. I'm currently in a rapid-cycling mood stage where my mood changes whenever it wants; usually once or twice a week. I've been to the hospital recently with the worst suicidal ideation I've ever had. 

Right now I have it in my head that I can survive just like this, letting the moods and work/study stress carry me along until something 'actually serious' happens (like what I'm going through isn't?!). Should I get help? My goal is to be a productive member of society and with this degree I plan to do that, but being very low income with rent to pay, giving up the few hours of work I have now is... shameful to me. I don't want to rely on using my mum's savings to keep us afloat.

Is applying for the disability support pension an option for students with bipolar? Will Centrelink look at my work history and tell me I'm not eligible because I have worked recently? I'm desperate about finding financial help and quitting work to focus on my studies will be awful too because work is some regular, safe social interaction and distraction that help's with my depression. 

This sounds an awful lot like a desperate rant. I'm sure I'm very lucky to be able to do what I do now but I see myself cracking if I don't make a change soon. 

[Shimmer]

Hello @queenofthestone 🙂

Welcome to the Forums! Congratulations on making the transition from lurking to posting, a brave step!

Wow, it sounds like you have been through a lot in your life! I am very sorry to hear about your father. At the same time it’s wonderful to hear that you’re committed to taking care of your own mental and physical health. I hear a lot of challenges, but also a lot of successes, like managing to overcome social anxiety, be a productive worker and complete a university course. You sound like a highly motivated person who values making a contribution. I hope you give yourself some credit for achieving these things!

There’s a lot going on for you at the moment! Rapid-cycling moods, adjusting medications, severe suicidal ideation, changing careers from something you don’t like to something you are truly passionate about, university stress and financial pressures… that’s a huge amount for anyone to be managing, no wonder you’re finding it stressful at the moment!

So can I clarify your current dilemma? As I understand it, you’re finding juggling university and work really challenging, and want to focus on your studies yet also want to maintain the regular social interaction and income that your current work provides, so you’re not sure of the way forward – is that right?

I believe many other Forum members have struggled with similar dilemmas, perhaps they can chime in with some advice? @730 has started a couple of discussions around “Bipolar and work” and “Work family and play”, to which @kato @JT @Pixie @Tight-Control @Goodgutz and @INSIDEOUT, amongst others, have contributed. @Former-Member has also considered how to balance self-care with financial pressures in her discussion “to work or not to work?” We have also had a recent Topic Tuesday discussion about “Managing mental health in the workplace”. @queenofthestone you might find reading some of these discussions useful, or perhaps others could share their experiences here?

In terms of trialing your medication, I would encourage you to keep in touch with your doctor about your concerns as you work up to a therapeutic dose. I’m not sure about what financial support might be available to you from Centrelink, but I think it would definitely be worth asking them about the DSP and low income or student allowances. Maybe others know more?

In regards to your question “should I get help?”, I personally am a big advocate for early intervention. You seem to have a lot of insight into what’s going on for you, and I like your approach of making a change soon before something more serious happens. Getting help early can assist you to stay on track towards where you want to go. Did you have something in particular in mind that you think could be helpful for you?

Welcome once again, I look forward to hearing more about how you’re going!

Take care,

Shimmer 🙂

[queenofthestone]

Hi @Shimmer. Thanks for your welcome and links to related topics. 

I've spent all afternoon figuring out how to apply for benefits or scholarships that can be of help during my studies. My father is a Vietnam War vet and there are some great scholaships available through related associations. A lot of paperwork!

It also appears that people with a mental disability can apply for Austudy even if the study load is only part time. So I'll try and jump through that hoop soon.

My diagnosis of Bipolar II has left me feeling very down. It was hard enough when I was only diagnosed with depression and anxiety (optimistically my previous docs thought it may just be situational) but with this I haven't completely come to terms with this diagnosis. I know its a correct one because my current psychiatrist gave me hard evidence that a side effect from my anti-depressant sent me into aggresive hypomania. It was a good anti-depressant up until it wasn't. I couldn't believe how aggressive and paranoid my thoughts were the last few weeks I was on it.

I've come to this forum because I very alone. When I had my last breakdown I tried to find comfort from my family, my mum in particular, and I didn't feel anything. She asked me to believe in God and pray, which is so wonderfuly sweet and I know its where she get her kindness, eternal patience and perseverence from. She's very very very strong to have been the wife and mother of mentally ill family.  

I'm so ashamed of not being able to appreciate love and comfort from someone who loves me unconditionally. I want to get this degree so I can work and give her the life someone as good as her deserves - a nice house and comfort when she's older. Letting her down would be my biggest shame and everyday I fear that I will end up like my dad, who gave up on helping himself and made my mother do everything for him. She deserves better than that. I'm crying now even as I type this.

When I was in hospital I talked with a psychiatric nurse and she told me I was very resilient. I laughed and said I wondered how I've survived this long. Probably because I don't want to disappoint my mum by killing myself, though in the past few months the call to the void has been more tempting than ever. I'm getting so tired of stuggling. In the back of my mind I have this huge fear of failing and often it makes me procrastinate rather than study. In fact I should have taken up this degree years ago but was too scared to. This probably isn't depression, anxiety or bipolar but my own cowardice.

Well, this got awful gloomy compared to my first post. Maybe I'm just ruminating on negativity too much.  Here's hoping tomorrow is a much better day. 

[Snowflake]

Hello @queenofthestone,

I am glad to har you have been able to find some possible options iwth scholarships and Austudy that may help ease the pressure with your studies, although the process can feel quite exhausting applying for these. I think it's normal to have the down and flat days, and although a diagnosis can help us make sense of what may be going on and possibly give some clearer treatment pathways it can also be quite confronting and take time to find the right treatment.

It sounds like you have a close relationship with your mum, and she does sound like she is trying in her way to support you, however sometimes people don't always know how to support us in the way that we need. It sounds like your mum is an inspiration for you to keep striving with your studies, despite the challenges of juggling work and study. Sometimes procrastination can be out way of coping when we are feeling overwhelmed. You do sound resilient and resourceful to be not only taking up the challenge of study but also exploring options such as scholarships and also seeking support with your psychiatirst and here on the forum.

As a human being we tend to give a loud voice to the negative side, and mute the positive side. I hear strength in you from your work, study and mum, please try to find the positive inside you and give it a voice, it may not seem easy but it is not impossible. Any negative thoughts in our minds are just because we think them, it does not mean they are fact/always true, they are just thoughts.

Here on the forums you will have read others who have also come through and still at times have "gloomy days" however if you feel you need to talk about any suicidal thoughts please call Lifeline on 131 114 or Suicide Helpline on 1300 651 251.

Take care and may tomorrow bring better days

Snowflake

[asdf]

@queenofthestone are still around on the forum. I have a bit of a imilar story to you.