Lived Experience Forum

[PolarOpposite]

Hi All,

I need your advice. My world has been turned upside down and I’ve got no idea how to think or feel about being diagnosed with Bipolar 2 and ADHD. When I was a teenager I went through suicidal phases during my parents divorce and after the death of my best mate. I remember going onto anti depressants and ended up in hospital then, and now at 32 years of age the same thing happened to me again just this week.

Since the birth of my son 18 months ago I’ve felt extra pressure and stress, with less sleep and more work. When he was three months old my wife and I had a fight, which triggered the first of many panic attacks and manic depressive episodes. I’ve been riddled with nervous energy that is impossible to burn off, which has been followed by crashes, tears and despair. Those feelings have got worse to the point of feeling suicidal, and after my wife threatened to leave me, a real suicide attempt that landed me in hospital.

I was diagnosed with ADHD in hospital, and after losing my mind (literally) after two weeks on Antidepressants , I was diagnosed with Bipolar.

Just by being me, a hostage to my brain chemistry, out of control and waiting for the mood stabilisers to work, I stand to lose my wife and my child. My wife has kept saying that I have a choice about how I behave, but honestly I really don’t. By some miracle I’ve kept work safe for now, but the truth is I’m all over the place and really unstable. Spontaneously crying, dealing with side effects from medication, trying to balance work while doing a great job of stuffing up the relationships I care most about.

I know that the medication that im

on is trial and error, and that I could be at the start of a long journey trying to get this right. I know I have to focus on getting myself healthy before I worry about my wife, but I feel like I could lose it all in the meantime.

How do I live with this illness? How do I get healthy so that I can have healthy relationships? What can I do to repair the damage I’ve already done? Does any body have wisdom to share from their own experiences on this?

Thanks in advance to those of you who get what I’m experiencing because very few people do right now.

[jazz]

hi @PolarOpposite welcome to the forums. I really appreciate you reaching out with your openness and honesty. You will find this is a great supportive and safe environment across all the different chats, and we encourage others to offer their support and stories. Receiving a diagnosis can be difficult to know how to feel. It can be scary on one hand, but on the other it can give you some clarity and understanding in areas that can feel so lost and confused. You mentioned some really challenging times recently, and I just wanted to check that you are safe tonight? and if you are not, we can look at what support there is out there for you?

How have other managed receiving diagnosis and can you offer any words of wisdom? 🙂

[PolarOpposite]

Hello, yes very safe. Despite the challenges I’ve been feeling OK and getting some good rest. ☺️

[hanami]

Hi @PolarOpposite 

Sorry to hear about the tough time you've been going through. I'm one of the peer workers here at Sane. I wanted to tag some of our lovely community members who may be able to help you with wise words

Warmest wishes

@Snowie @NatureLover  @jem80 @Aniela @Shaz51 @AussieRecharger @ShiningStar @outlander @HenryX @Judi9877 @Zoe7 @wellwellwellnez @Eve7 @maddison @Boo13 @pinklollipop15   @CrazyChick, @Hams , @Faith-and-Hope , @BPDSurvivor @Dimity @Former-Member 

[Dimity]

Hello @PolarOpposite @hanami it's good to see you. It's encouraging that you now have your diagnosis, as it gives you parameters to plan the way forward. It can be a rough ride.  As you've noted meds can take a while to settle especially if there's a bit of trial and error and titration to start with. But you also need day to day coping strategies.  A mental health plan from your gp for a psychologist can be helpful but your own reflection and forethought help too. Eg a support network, self-nurturing activities and diversions when you're low. Thinking about possible red flags around an approaching high so finances  relationships and health are safe. (This might start with how you'll recognise the signs.) Maintaining reasonable physical health with attention to diet, exercise, problematic self-medication,  sleep hygiene and social connection - which are easily overlooked but can make a real difference . It would be good if your partner and family are on board with all of this and contributing suggestions. 

Enough of the preaching. Welcome. I hope you enjoy meeting other forumites and make connections here.

Cheers 

Dimity

[Former-Member]

Hi @PolarOpposite and welcome to the forum.

I understand your isolation.

The forum is great for combating this.

It sounds like @Dimity has already given you some great coping mechanisms and support.

One more thing I would say is to check out the Bi- polar Association on line. They lost local support groups in person and on Zoom.

Take care @PolarOpposite and keep safe. Hoping things get better for you soon as things settle down 😊🤞

[PolarOpposite]

Hi Dimity,

I really appreciate your insight. I’m taking a lot of your advice on board and have organised to get a safety plan in place with my family. Sleep hygiene is definitely an area for improvement, I keep hearing a lot about this as a habit I need to make.

Support network and figuring out a way to highlight my red flags is going to be more of a challenge, but I’ve sent a text to my psychologist to make sure we start that process asap, so thanks for you advice there.

[Delicatessen]

Not so good for you now by the sounds of it. I was diagnosed a long time ago. After all this time I can say that as I have learned to live with the illness and it’s ups and downs is that I’m in the best place I can be. My mental illness isn’t all of who I am (which it sounds where things are where they’re at for you now) and it’s just become one part of me. Appreciate you must be feeling overwhelmed though.

I’ve been thinking of things you could do and here are some suggestions:

- be very curious about the illness and find out everything you can about it

- thoroughly investigate the purpose and pros and cons of your medication

- if you’re worried about any aspect of your treatment speak up

- keep asking questions until you are comfortable you understand

- investigate and access supports out there for you

- discuss coping strategies with your professional supports

- if you are not coping then speak up to professional supports for options

- discuss up front the relationship with your supports (including how to contact them in an emergency)

- perhaps keep a diary or mood tracker while you’re working through it all

I’ve been thinking about your comments about the strains in your relationships with your significant others. My advice is to beware of not getting into the habit making everything about being sick with no room for anything or anyone else. There probably are things you can control to some extent (maybe I’m wrong). I could not live without my supports. I make a point of telling them what I’m doing to stay as stable as possible (so I’m holding up my end of the bargain). I also tell them things they can do to support me and do whatever loving things I can for them. Be careful of leaving them feel like they’re “living sober” (for example when you might when you’re with an alcoholic). 

[Dancingqueen]

First of all I just wanted to acknowledge how incredibly tough it is to be first diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. Although it may feel incredibly relieving to have that diagnosis and better understand what you are going through it can also feel incredibly daunting if you don't know much about it (well this was definitely me) and what this means.  However, there are fantastic treatments and supports available today which means it is a totally manageable illness and one in which you can lead a very healthy and fulfilling life with. Medication is unfortunately a bit of trial and error which is something that still frustrates me but when you find the one that works it is a big help! In saying that there are also a number of other steps you can take to work on your mental health because whilst medication is great, it is best in combination. If you have the capacity to seek professional support in the way of a therapist for example, I think it can be incredibly healing and beneficial especially with relationships. Sticking to a good routine, getting good sleep (really important), regularly exercising, eating healthy and keeping track of your mood (e.g. eMoods app) are all really good ways of managing bipolar. 

I believe there is some degree of uncontrollability when you are experiencing high levels of distress. You are not able to show up as your best self or even your true self.  However in saying that there is also a huge amount you can control which can be incredibly empowering to realise. It sounds like you are taking some of the right steps - getting medication sorted, even using this forum is a huge step. But be kind to yourself because this is all very new so you are still trying to just process and make sense of it all and that takes time. 

I know it can feel incredibly isolating and lonely when you are going through some pretty frightening emotions and feelings, but do know there are so many  people out there who are going through and have gone through something similar to this. I know it always made me feel hope to know and hear about others peoples recovery stories, so maybe you could have a simple google or Youtube as well. 

I hope this was at least a little bit helpful.