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destructive
Senior Contributor

Who deserves to feel

I've been thinking.. not sure if this is the right place but wondering if other have the same thing or have any ways to overcome this.. 

 

There is this stupid thing I have about ranking feelings which I think is one thing that sometimes makes it hard to speak in therapy maybe. It’s that someone else always owns more feeling and only one person can have a feeling at a time. So then anytime I feel anything I think I shouldn’t/don’t own the right to then instead my body makes it anxiety. Like when my grandma died. I was only sad a few seconds then that was trampled with that and it turned into anxiety. It’s big because you can always find someone else who ranks higher in deserving the emotion. And maybe, just maybe a wee bit, it does change what I think of about my childhood. That makes me cringe to write. Maybe I’ve disowned any hard feelings about anything, even what I do remember, which is mostly general and just a few specific things, because someone else had it worse. That was a big thing with food back then, finish what’s on your plate because ‘think of the kids in Africa’ even if you’re spewing mashed potatoes. Anxiety is safe because it makes you hide. It makes you conform. Fall back in line. But how do you get better from that when it stops you talking. Because what you need to talk about is feelings you aren't allowed. Even if that rule is only in your head and only for you and you logically know that it bull. I need help.

13 REPLIES 13

Re: Who deserves to feel

Hi @destructive, it sounds like you're trying to sort out some really complex thoughts and emotions right now. Hard feelings can be really difficult and uncomfortable to sit with. Sane's Helpcentre is generally open between 10am-10pm on weekdays if you'd like to speak to someone non-urgently or you can also reach out to BlueKnot Foundation for support if you'd like. Sitting with you as you try to navigate this windy road.  💙

Re: Who deserves to feel

Thanks @TideisTurning @just not sure it's something I can ever get past because the nature of the issue even stops me from acknowledging there even is an issue. Feel doomed 🥲

Re: Who deserves to feel

I 100% relate to what you've written @destructive.
The whole "my feelings don't matter because someone else has it worse" it's such an insidious, rotten spore that just envelopes everything I am.
Apparently there is no great big Problemometer that ranks people's 'stuff' but it certainly seems like there is, and that my 'stuff' is on the bottom.

Re: Who deserves to feel

@destructive  I used to have problems with feelings, myself. I've had a lot of success with self-hypnosis. I'm not saying it completely cured me or anything like that, but it definitely made things better.

 

Your problems sound differant to mine, but all the same, maybe self-hypnosis might be worth looking in to?

 


@TheVorticon wrote:
I 100% relate to what you've written @destructive.
The whole "my feelings don't matter because someone else has it worse" it's such an insidious, rotten spore that just envelopes everything I am.
Apparently there is no great big Problemometer that ranks people's 'stuff' but it certainly seems like there is, and that my 'stuff' is on the bottom.

From what I've seen, these sorts of tendencies to selflessly downplay our own needs are less an individual failing, and more a culturally-inflicted standard.

 

I watched a speech recently given by a former patient of the mental health system, at the official ceremony for the Victorian Royal Inquiry. He talked about how he wandered in to the hospital one night, feeling suicidal, and ended up being sent home without any help because he "wasn't suicidal enough" for it to be worth the system's while to try to help him; the sparse resources were all required for the "more needy".

 

That's the attitude the hospitals give people. "You need to take a back seat, because there are other people who have it worse then you." So, naturally, the general population is going to pick up on these sorts of standards and adopt them to a certain degree, as well.

Former-Member
Not applicable

Re: Who deserves to feel

I would encourage you to remind yourself that a lot of people feel the same way you do, so your feelings ABOUT your feelings don't dictate how worthy of support you actually are.

 

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Re: Who deserves to feel

I have been very slow in learning the language of feelings. I also needed to put my feelings aside for others.  It has taken a long time to engage with feelings as a concept, though of course I ALWAYS had feelings.  We all do and they have validity.  

Finding ways to express them seem to be part of the dance of life for everyone.

Feeling WheelFeeling WheelHope there is colour in your life Sans.Hope there is colour in your life Sans.

Re: Who deserves to feel

@Appleblossom @Former-Member @chibam @TheVorticon  Sorry I missed replying to you, I don't know how but I didn't see your responses or forgot about this post, sorry. 
I saw them tonight which is funny because I'm currently grappling with this tonight and having thoughts of self harm to be able to validate seeking help tomorrow. Is that messed up? I don't feel like I can show up to the doctor if I'm not physically hurt too. Even though I then probably won't tell her that anyway. That's what happened last time 🙁

Re: Who deserves to feel

Hi @destructive,

 

It sounds like you are sitting with a lot tonight with the doctors appointment tomorrow 💙 I really appreciate you being open with us about how you are feeling right now- we are here to listen. I just wanted to reach out to let you know that the SANE Help Centre is still open until 10pm if you want someone to chat to tonight. 

 

Is there anything that will help you stay safe tonight?

Re: Who deserves to feel

Thanks @Daisydreamer @it's ok. It's nothing new for me. A problem for over 15 years ... actually didn't realised it'd been that long until I just wrote that 🥲 that actually makes me really sad because I remember when I was coming up to 10 years and thinking I needed to stop before then. That worked well. 
im usually ok at taking care of myself if I do but that's gotten so much harder with a kid. It's not like I can just go for help if I needed. 

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