Sharing thoughts on a relationship topic.

[Powderfinger]

@Zoe7 

I actually had a very good sense of who I was before this relationship. Of course one could always find out more about themselves and relatiosnhips do also show you things about yourself. You live and you learn. I am not afraid to be single. As I said I lost myself. I was genuinely being me though throughout. I was happy. I thought I was also bringing much joy, happiness and love into her life too. Turns out I wasn't. If only she knew and could see what I had felt in my heart for her. 

I still think its more than ok for me to do kid things. Nothing wrong with it. I encourage anyone who had a bad childhood to do fun things that kids would. Blow bubbles, chase butterflies, buy chewing gum and see who can blow the biggest bubble, and so on. There is no sahem in that and it does not mean you cannot still be an adult. 

What are you doing for your NYE? I am thankfully sitting at home by myself in my workshed just resting. 

[Zoe7]

I still do those things myself @Powderfinger  Just because we are 'adults' doesn't mean the fun has to stop. Luckily I get to do a lot of those things with my kids I teach - everyday is fun with kids around you all day 

I am on here for NYE - on the NYE 2021 thread with some other members - chatting, sharing some laughs and generally just having fun. Come and join us if you would like.

[Powderfinger]

@Zoe7 

What a great job. I love kids more than adults. I could hang with them all day. I am gald it brings you so much joy and you get to do a lot of it. 

Oh, I did not know this thread was there. I shall come and join in and see what's going down? Thanks for letting me know this! 

[Powderfinger]

@Zoe7 

I just read a quick article. 10 things to know if you love someone with PTSD/CPTSD. 

It made me realise that I was never really supported and in many ways, when I did talk about it, nothing much got done to help me. At the end, it was just another problem in her life with me. I do not think that has anything to do with love. I would explain to her I do have to work at taking care of myself and my illness. Its hard work and it is tiring. I did not ask for this illness. I guess it just never got heard. I think if someone is going to find it difficult being with you because of an illness that isnt your fault, and you do everything you can to manage your illness, then sadly they have to go. 

[Zoe7]

Totally agree @Powderfinger Not everyone has the empathy and care to be with someone who is unwell - it is never what we would wish on anyone but knowing you have work to do is part of the journey. Unfortunately she could not see herself walking that road with you but that is not your fault - and not hers either. I think if you love someone you would do what is needed to help rather than shutdown and dismiss - and she just did not have that in her.

[Powderfinger]

@Zoe7 

I guess I cannot be upset with her for not having it in her to stick with me and support me. If someone I loved was very ill, I stay and do what I can and be there. I have done it in the past, We just had different values, beliefs, ways of being in a relationship and so on. I couldn't see that till much much later. She had a pretty bad childhood too. The differences between us were not able to be reconciled. In effect we couldnt accept each other as we were, I made mistakes and so did she. We did our best, it is just that it wasnt enough. 

[Zoe7]

That is the unfortunate thing sometimes @Powderfinger When your lives do not align in what you believe, think and do then it is certainly no way to live. My friend who recently died I would have done anything for - and him me - and despite it not being a romantic relationship we loved each other unconditionally. I did not always agree with him nor him me but we talked openly about everything - he was my best friend, my confidante and my inspiration and I was so blessed to have him in my life. I miss him everyday but I also - like you - have to find a way forward because he is not coming back

[Powderfinger]

There is never any words to say that are perfect when a loved one passes away, no matter what type of relationship.

I too lost my best friend in 2013 and it was one of the most painful times of my life. Sometimes you think you have moved on and then bang one day you just really want to talk to them and you miss them a lot. 

So, I will say that I I acknowledge this loss in your life and where you are at with it. I am sorry for this loss and whatever you are enduring as a result of his passing, I can only wish you days of something to ease the heaviness of his loss. 

Communication was an issue in the relationship. I am a communicator, believe in emotional intimacy and sitting down talking things through. She was the opposite. Hated communicating, a lot of stonewalling, pick and choose when it is important to dicuss something and when it isn't and the list goes on. I would end up feeling the nagging wife who felt bad for asking for something. It just was incredibly soul destroying as time went by. Anyhow it is over and I need to spend time on recovery and trying to heal from the damage of feeling like I am just bad news and no real good as a partner to anyone. Just no real good, full stop. I am going to have to build myself up again by myself. 

[Zoe7]

You are far from 'no good' in any way @Powderfinger This relationship just was not good for you. You WILL get stronger and find yourself again and come out of this with new learnings and new ways forward. We are constantly learning things about ourselves - in so many ways - so start with those things you like about yourself now and work from there - you got this 

Thank you for acknowledging the relationship I had with my friend - I was so very lucky to have wonderful support from so many here when he died ...and that continues - so despite the tragic loss I am both grateful for having him in my life and also for those here that did (and continue to) help me through my grief.

[Powderfinger]

You are welcome and I am so glad that you had many rally upon you to help through a tough time. You deserved that. I have a bit of a mind blank at the moment. ( I think it happens when I get too overwhelmed with pain) I just go blank in my mind. I am getting better. I keep reminding myself that its ok to move on. It wasn't my fault he died at all and I did the best I could to help him and be there. Its ok for me to be happy and its ok that I do not think of him all the time and its all just ok because I did enough and was enough. I am pretty sure he would not be blaming me at all either.