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Something’s not right

Senior Contributor

Agitation, irritation, aggression - I want it to stop!

Hi to anyone who wants to read/listen. 

I hate this life rn. 

I'm full of agitation, irritation, aggressiveness (towards myself and others) and violence (towards myself).

I am over it. I can have a few mins of nah I'm ok. I'm cool, calm and content. Then within secs something has annoyed me so it's like I flip. 

Gp wanted me to start a different SSRI. I decided not to due to my last experience with it. (Stopped antidepressant due to increased dose that sent me spiralling out of control in all aspects of my life, work, home, social).

I saw a psychologist once before Xmas and next is early feb.

I have a psychiatrist appt in 2 weeks and after melting down completely on Sunday I took myself to emergency dept. (I was arguing and irrational with s/o, I behaved in a violent way towards myself And I felt out of control).

I was there sometime and started getting anxious as I had 2 kids 12,14 at home alone. I told them i wanted to leave because i couldn't wait much longer. Because of my distress, they nearly did not let me go. Which caused a massive melt down type reaction from me. I fought with a good friend and my s/o during the same time over the phone, my s/o didn't think it was best I went to hospital in the event they wanted to keep me in as my kids home alone)

I went home after talking with the unit manager and agreeing I'd come back the next day. 

I saw a MH nurse the following day, we spoke for sometime. He saw a few possible diagnosis and said it could also be very likely I'm dealing with at least 2 or 3 of these.

Bipolar 2

GAD

BPD

Depression.

The thing is though, I don't feel depressed. 

I don't want to underestimate depression here either. The MH nurse took time to explain depression is serious. I do understand ok. I just do not believe I'm symptomatic of depression. My mother spent over 25 yrs being misdiagnosed as having depression and major depressive disorder and abusing medications (I understand this now was due to them not working they way they should etc). I do not want to course through the next 15 years with a misdiagnosed disorder. 

 I had taken the black dog institute test, a few times now. In November it told me I had severe depression and anxiety with PTSD and bipolar symptoms. 

December, again severe depression and anxiety with PTSD and bipolar. 

Today I did it again, the depression and anxiety has fallen to a moderate level and no PTSD symptoms but still bipolar. 

Mh nurse started me on a antipsychotic  25mg first night (last night) and to go up to 50mg each night after. He also said I could take 25mg in mornings if I felt I needed it. 

I felt I needed it this morning and so I took it. 

I joined a couple of support groups for bipolar and I relate to so damn much of the experiences the people share. 

I also recognise alot of behaviours/symptoms my mother has/had. These could also be learnt.

I know that trauma can lead to BPD, bipolar and GAD. I have history of childhood sexual abuse and other traumatic experiences.

The MH nurse doesn't believe I have had a manic episode, rather only experienced possibly hypomanic episodes - although I only spent an hr with him so can hardly believe he could say so with such clarity. 

I spend my money beyond my means, alot of times have gotten into big debts. Currently paying off over $12000 combined. 

There has been a few times I've seen a GP and told them I'm not right, I don't feel right. But most of the time it's after I've exploded and in the downward spiral. 

My episodes start with plenty of energy, then feels like nothing is being done properly either at work or home and I'm the only one who knows what they're doing properly. Then I start getting irritated or annoyed at small things. It could be the way a customer says something or having next to no milk after buying 3L the day before. My s/o seems to wear most of my episodes. My s/o will tell you I'm highly sexual, in fact we used to use sex to help dampen my agitated mood - only there are plenty of things he used to be able to do to talk me down, help me see sense, distract me from the overwhelming emotions and yet none of these things work anymore. 

I've been recommended DBT a few times now and I do think this will be highly beneficial in my circumstance. It's something to talk to my psychologist about next visit. 

I know medications take time to enter our systems and it's different for everyone. 

Here's hoping this antipsychotic can help taper down this aggressive state I'm in. 

I don't want to put my family through this anymore. This has been my life since i can remember and i like it. 

 

Just a bit of a vent, get it out type thing. 

 

19 REPLIES 19

Re: Agitation, irritation, aggression - I want it to stop!

Hi @26aqua,

 

Thank you for sharing your experience with such vulnerability. You have quite a good awareness of what is happening for you. I am glad that you decided to get more support. I hope you that you find some peer support on the forums. Please keep reaching out and take some time for yourself.

 

Cheers,

tropicalsun

Re: Agitation, irritation, aggression - I want it to stop!

Hey @26aqua.

I have personal experience with feeling intensely aggressive - in my case it's mostly anxiety combined with a bit of depressive thinking. Funny enough for me it reduces the more 'connected' to people I feel, rather than feeling like I'm alone with everything so I try to do things that help with that before it gets out of hand.

I hope it helped to vent out things here. It's good that you've found a bit of commonality in the bipolar groups you've joined.
Hope everything goes well with the future appointments, and I'm glad to hear that you're taking care of yourself with the emergency visit when you needed to.

Re: Agitation, irritation, aggression - I want it to stop!

@26aqua  Hi there. I think trust your gut. I don’t think anyone can be diagnosed in one meeting, maybe get a few clues, but a definite diagnosis takes time.

 

You mentioned childhood sexual abuse, and other traumatic experiences. These take time to work through. 

 

I’m pleased you are seeing a psych. Others here have done DBT, and found it really beneficial. @Zoe7  might be helpful in explaining some of it to you.

 

I’m pleased you have managed to get some of this out. Sometimes it really helps just to write things down.

 

Take care.

 

 

 

 

Re: Agitation, irritation, aggression - I want it to stop!

@26aqua As @Maggie mentioned I have done DBT and found it very beneficial so am happy to answer any questions you may have.

Re: Agitation, irritation, aggression - I want it to stop!

Hi there! I really relate to your post, I have Bipolar  2 with BPD traits (some BPD traits have improved over time) I also have childhood abuse/trauma, something I believe have a lot to do with the BPD traits. I was first diagnosed with major depression when I was 16. Later in life a bipolar 2 diagnosis. I do not experience full blown mania where I loose touch with reality, but rather hypomania states which includes the agitation & aggression, more energy, less sleep etc. My depressive episodes are more common, longer & get more severe in terms of life threatening compared to the hypomanic episodes, but the length of each depressive episode has improved in the last few yrs compared to the first 20yrs, i am on mood stablizers in addition to SSRI's to balance me out more. Stress is a big trigger. 
CBT, DBT, mindfulness & meditation etc are all great. I truely wish you the best with your diagnosis & treatment. Hang in there, it can & will get better with the right help & life will improve. 🙏🏼

Re: Agitation, irritation, aggression - I want it to stop!

@26aqua Thanks for sharing your story, I  to have experienced very similar feeling of Agitation, irritation and aggression in my life for over 30 years and for me it is the most intense, tiring and shameful thing for me. I lost a marriage, friendships, jobs and even put in jail over night for the intense rage I was in and damage I caused.. That is why with my profile picture, is a picture of the hulk.Smiley Frustratedo I feel for your situation and knpw it quite well 26aqua. But about 9 months ago i getting therapy with a psychologist called CBT and has been life changing for me, if gave me the skills to reconise when a bout of rage was coming on and tools to defuse the intense feeling  I was having, also mindfulness therapy which kept me a lot calmer so the bouts came a lot less frequent. So if you are willing to give it a go, organise an appointment with a psychologist and speck to him about CBT and mindfulness,  they therapies do take a bit work on your behalf and time as well, but me patient because it does work and you have nothing to lose but the rage you are feeling, best of luck 26aqua, your not alone and there is help for out there.

Warm Regards 

Haystacks 

Re: Agitation, irritation, aggression - I want it to stop!

Thank you @TheVorticon for sharing your experience. 

I do feel anxiety is playing a big role for me. I find though I tend to push people away. I'd rather be alone - whether it's because I know the feelings I'm having will cause shame, embarrassment etc or because I don't want to hurt them with my behaviours or something else, but I know when the intensity is overwhelming I'd rather be alone. 

Re: Agitation, irritation, aggression - I want it to stop!

Thank you Maggie, I did bring DBT up with my psychologist and he is definitely open to it.

Re: Agitation, irritation, aggression - I want it to stop!

Thank you @Warrior582 I'm definitely ready to move forward with my life, I don't like this and I don't like how it affects my family, my work life and socialising. 

I'm just stuck in this waiting for therapy to actually start. 

And while I'm waiting, I seem to be sabotaging my relationship over and over again. 

It's hard because on the one hand he tells me he sees someone entirely different, told me my face distorts, my voice somewhat changes and he knows it's not me or at least not the person I want to be but he also doesn't really understand the chemical imbalance and that medications are sometimes needed to correct those imbalances and honestly I feel like he expects me to just snap out of it - truly wish there was something I could do myself to snap out of it. I am trying, I'm doing everything I should - seeking help, venting when I need, I even journal at times. 

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