Lived Experience Forum

[Gwynn]

So today my support worker asked me regarding my mental health if there was any kind of indication that it ran in my family.  She's young and didn't mean for it to be hurtful in any way, she was just being curious, I think.  She's been with me for a while now so it wasn't like with any kind of malice intended.  And it's not like she doesn't know that all families have their own stuff going on - isn't that why Encanto was such a blockbuster?  I trust her. 

It upset me because it's kind of a deficit kind of thinking, and it's almost like blaming the people with issues for being 'flawed' in some kind of way?  Like, I'm dead certain that in the previous generation, my relatives didn't ask for it!!!

I ended up indirectly letting her know my feelings were hurt, by saying she should be careful about how she asks this question with others, because their feelings could be hurt.  I'm a little worried now that she won't ask me those 'stupid questions' because she might be worried she might hurt my feelings.

How would you have handled this kind of a question from a trusted support worker?  How could I have done better?

[tyme]

Hi @Gwynn - it's good you were able to be transparent and honest about how you were feeling.

Do you think the question they asked about MH is a stock standard question? I know I have also been asked many times. I actually never thought much of it. I'm glad you are able to offer a different perspective. It certainly gives me something to think about 🙂

[Gwynn]

I imagine it's not uncommon, but because it's so broad it's kinda useless and a bit dehumanising. To me, my relatives are people first, and it kinda puts their recovery down a bit?

Like, in a way, it could be sort of her trying to understand what's going on - like, attributing it to some causality or making herself safe (like, it won't happen to me, it's not my family). Maybe some kind of attempt to protect from the random-seeming unthinking cruelty of the world.

[Bow]

I feel like it’s a pretty stock standard question. I’ve been asked many many times and I’m pretty honest in explaining that my mum has depression, but that’s about it. 
i doubt your support worker meant any harm in asking you that question @Gwynn 

[Gwynn]

I know she didn't mean any malice by it, but it kinda caught me by surprise, and I'm not sure I handled my answer well - I'm just hoping she will feel safe enough to continue to ask questions and have me give honest answers. As soon as she twigged that she might have upset me she was immediately upset. Like, and a lot of 'mental illness' is really just a normal reaction to abnormal circumstances, like shellshock after a war. I guess, I don't know how to articulate that well?

[tyme]

Awwwww @Gwynn - It sounds like a difficult situation whereby you were not expecting the question, nor was she expecting your response - am I correct in saying that?

I've just read your post again, and I can see where you are coming from - that the 'blame' for the condition is put on something else rather than seeing you as a unique person? I'm not sure if I'm right there. Happy for you to clarify.

Looking back, my most helpful therapists were those who took a holistic, person-centred approach. I didn't feel like another 'case' or 'number' to them. Their support has meant a lot to me.

Conversely, I've also had people who were less than helpful. Without directly saying it, they were pretty much saying, "oh, just another MH condition again...turn them out like a sausage and send in the next sausage...." - now, THAT was dehumanising!

[Gwynn]

Yes, @tyme - I wasn't expecting the innocent question, nor was I expecting the response it evoked in me. How can I blame the returned soldier for his shellshock or consider that it's caused my issues in some way or shape or form, or that I've inherited some 'weakness' from a soldier? Why would I cherry-pick my 'insane' relatives, when sanity is a spectrum and part of the human condition?

Also, how far back do I need to go for it to count towards 'running in my family'? By any measure, Ghengis Khan would be very disappointed in my meagre efforts to get some 'Karening' done.

I don't see what's happened to me as being part of my family history in the same way as I have inherited my features from my family.

How could I have articulated it better to my SW?

[tyme]

You've made some very valid points there @Gwynn  - I don't believe any of it was your 'fault' as much.

In terms of how you could have better articulated it? I'm not sure I could answer you. If I were to put myself in your situation, it seems like I would have answered while 'shellshocked' (or emotionally charged). From experience, I have found that when I can emotionally charged about ANYTHING, it tends to come out a little worse than I would have wanted.

Please note, this is only MY perspective - it is by no means a right or wrong. If it were to happen to me, I would like to be able to give myself a bit of time to 'think it through' and provide a response at the next appointment or something. This is so that I can act based on an objective view.

However, if i was as 'shellshocked' as what you probably were, I probably would have answered the same way....but cried during it too!

I think what you said took a lot of courage, and it is also a learning for others - that a seemingly innocent question may hurt others immensely.

I know I have unintentionally hurt people in the past by saying things which I thought was a 'regular' response - but instead, upset the person. I definitely did not mean it.

Also, if it still continues to fill your mind, do you think you will be able to talk it through with her next time so as to understand each others' preferences? You wouldn't want to lose the support of a great therapist?

[Flotsam]

@Gwynn 

I think if you spoke your truth and it was heard you did well. I have answered that question many times, my mother was depressed. She was a victim of domestic violence throughout her childhood and didn’t get any therapy. I also know that growing up in that home was hard, it’s hard seeing your mum crying all the time and not being able to do anything to make it better. Personally I believe it is much more nurture than nature that leads to the correlation. Maybe one day they will find the gene, but I think humans are more complicated than that.