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Something’s not right

florencefifty
Senior Contributor

HOPEFULLY the biggest breakdown of my life.

Six minute read (apparently).

I had a bit of a breakdown recently.

I had a particularly heavy night of drinking one night. I looked at my watch, and I saw the night getting later and later. I don’t know why, but I didn’t go home. After a certain point, I didn’t feel like I could go home, because I didn’t want to have to explain to my family that I was drinking. That I have Depression, that I have a drinking problem.

The next day, I ran away from my city entirely, and boarded a plane to a neighbouring state. I thought I wanted to be somewhere where no-one knew who I was. I thought I could find a new job, build a new life in this new city, and then reach out to my family once I was better. 

I forgot how quickly my money would run out. I was basically homeless in this new city for about three weeks. By then I knew that it wasn’t going to work out. Even if I wasn’t going to go home, I needed to get back to my home city, because seeking help was going to be easier there. I wanted to buy a coach ticket, but didn’t have the money. I wasn’t sleeping at night. I knew how dangerous it was to sleep on the streets, so I would be walking around at night and just sitting down/resting, so if I found someone who could be dangerous, I could just get up and walk away. The lack of sleep DESTROYED my brain, to the point where I was having mild hallucinations and hearing voices.

A few days after I had the idea to go back home, out of nowhere, my family found me. I was in shock. They flew all the way to this neighbouring city. They found me. In a library, which is exactly where they knew to look for me LOL. My family said they read my e-mails and some of my online posts, which is how they found out that I had Depression and alcohol problems. They said they completely understood, and wanted to get me help. I thought that they would be angry, or that they would judge me. I thought that my father was going to burn me alive, but he was affected too. When he saw me, he wasn’t angry, he was just glad that I was able to be found safe.

My sister said that they were going to ask a lot of questions, but to answer them honestly, and I did. I thought there was going to be a lot of pressure or drama in the house, but there wasn’t. They have been surprisingly good about it, they just wanted me back home.

I have actually been feeling good, which made me wonder whether I was making my Depression up.

Having the support of my family, and the buzz of being found and then flying home and seeing everyone again, has actually made me feel great. I mean I went interstate. I drank a lot, and I was having suicidal thoughts. These are all things that happened, they’re not made up, and they’re directly related to Depression. But it was hard to explain feeling good for some reason.

THAT WAS, until I spoke to my psychologist for the first time today.

It was a little intense, and I realised there was a bit of work to do. The psychologist realised that I was very nervous, because I was talking like I was on the radio, going off on tangents. She said that because I’ve done counselling before, it was a bit easier, but she said I needed to work on my self-worth. Like whenever I hear an alternative logic, I tend to say, “yeah, but…” and then go flying off into negative thoughts again. I kind of know that the alternative logic can be true, but I don’t believe it yet.

She made another appointment for two weeks. 

The kindness of others makes things a lot easier.

The first night I got to the new city, I had a lot to drink. The bar I was drinking at closed, so I decided to go to a nearby venue where they apparently served alcohol all night. I asked for directions from a group of about seven people in their teens/early twenties, and in doing so, started crying. They were a little nervous for a second, and asked whether I was serious or playing.

A woman said to her friends, “hang on, I’m actually trained in this.” She asked me what was going on, and I said that I had a lot to drink. Basically as a chorus, the group asked me to turn around and get myself somewhere safe. One of the girls said “trust me, alcohol is not what you need right now. Is it keeping you safe, or making you happy? Is it helping you? And trust me, that venue sucks anyway, I’ve been there.”

I turned around. The next day I had two pints and a sour beer and I haven’t drank since. That was April 24. I’ve honestly never seen anything like it. They were SUPER young and they helped me in a way that most people certainly wouldn’t have. 

Another lady really stood out to me. One night, I was in a 24-hour McDonald’s trying to stay out of the cold. I was sitting in a group. Half of us were homeless and the other half were waiting for the next train; the station closes between midnight and early morning.

One of the ladies waiting for the train realised that we were homeless and we got into conversation. I felt like I could trust her. She was in her early seventies, and I felt I don’t know why, I connect well with elderly people. She was very kind to the whole group. She said that I was lucky that I have only been abusing alcohol for about two months, because it would be easier for me to quit now than it would have been if I was drinking for years. She said:

I don’t want to come back here in 20 years and see you on those steps there. You deserve better than that. Stop now, while you can.

I also talked about how I was from another city and I had my family back home, and she said:

They must be freaking out. They reported you missing, they obviously love you. You don’t have to go home, but maybe write your Mum a letter or something, saying ‘I’m OK Mum, I’m just working on myself’, just so they know you’re safe.

There are a number of other examples of people who made a very, very bad situation a lot easier, and I may go into that in other posts. 

For now, I’m just glad to be home warm, and in the company of my three kids (nieces and nephew). It’s made me appreciate what homeless people go through, and how easy things can go out of control if you let them. And it’s taught me how much my family actually cares.

Hopefully nothing like that ever happens again. Being the subject of an interstate manhunt is about enough adventure for me.

2 REPLIES 2

Re: HOPEFULLY the biggest breakdown of my life.

@florencefifty 

 

Oh my gosh what a story. I am so glad that your family came and found you and that you got home safely. Things could have gone a lot worse. Keep counting your blessings and enjoying the love of your family.

 

Meggle

Re: HOPEFULLY the biggest breakdown of my life.

I am really glad that you had your adventure, discovered the kindness of random strangers and most especially that your family found you safe.  Love that it was in a library!  That you felt good after all that is fine. It is not a sign you were making up depression, but maybe that you did your own thing. Had a range of experiences.  Homelessness is tough and so is not sleeping, but you came through.

Not 6 minutes read.  A good story really.

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