Lived Experience Forum

[Powderfinger]

@Anastasia @Zoe7 @Peri 

Aside from.all this happening there has been some good news. I'm.not feeling very well tonight so will do my best to talk about it. I have wanted to come here and share, I literally have just not had any spare energy. 

I'm not sure if you know I'm a writer?@Anastasia @Zoe7 

Anyhow, a very long story short, my writing, specifically my poetry and quotes I have written over the years has caught the eye of a dop.pwner here in my town. She absolutely loves my work and has given me an opportunity to stock my writing in her shop. My writing has never been out there in the public nor for sale. I'm still pinching myself that this is even real. 

So, I have pretty much only had from the start of this week till Friday to do designs, find a printer, source options for framing, think about pricing for my creative work and deliver to the shop by Friday. 

I did all the designs myself. I found a great printer here in my town who has been amazing considering the shirt notice and I will use again. I'm picking up the prints in the morning as they are ready and going to hopefully be able to get all the frames I need tomorrow. Then get them all ready for delivery on Friday. It's been a major whirlwind of a week getting all this done. I have not had a lot of time to get my head around this happening. In between it all, as I have written here I'm trying to deal with my battles and struggles. Some days I really have to push myself. I'm pretty tired and have been today so did not get as much done as I would have liked to. The shop owner feels that my work is going to "fly out the door". I'm just going to sit back, watch and see what happens. 

A little background about my writing. I started writing a little around 15 I think it was. I used to sit in my room and write short stories. I've always known that I was going to be a writer, I am a writer. Life was hard at home. I took a lot of bad turns. I stopped writing for a very long time but always remained a voracious reader. I had no belief in myself at all. People would be amazed with my stuff but I just had no self belief. A person I was good friends with a long time ago said to me, promise me you will write a book one day. I made a promise and I intend to keep it. 

In 2014, I started to slowly believe that I could be a writer, get paid and do well. I started studying and working in a particular field of writing. It took me time to believe fully that I could do it. I had never truly been supported ever in my life in order to be able to do it. My family if origin couldn't have been less interested in taking notice or supporting me and I never shared it with them either. 

Last year, I decided to start my own business. After many many years of hard work, I felt I was ready and that I had a wealth of experience and knowledge to do what I do now. I'm a copywriter. So, essentially I own a copywriting business. However, I also write my own things. I'm.a creative. Writer, woodworker, amateur photographer. Me and art have always had a good relationship. I am not flogging my business too much at the moment because I'm so busy. If I get a potential client approach me though, so wouldn't say no. 

So, currently still trying to believe this is all actually real and sometimes wishing I wish my parents could see me now. Probably wouldn't change much but sometimes I just wish I had proud parents. 

Anyhow, that's my news to share. 

[Powderfinger]

@Peri 

Thank you. I will do my best. I will.post more here again. @Anastasia @Zoe7 thanks also for being here for me. Xo

[Zoe7]

@Powderfinger I apologise - I fell asleep. Just read about your great news ...super impressed that your work is being seen and acknowledge in this way. Also a great extra earner so I very much hope your work does 'run out the door'.

As for your home situation - I understand better that it is difficult to even think about moving with how hard it is still find suitable accommodation in your area. What you pay and what you get for it is such a great deal so no wonder you want to stay where you are. In regards to not having your name on the lease - this could become a problem if she pushes the point. Can you get your name on the lease now to cover your own position legally if it comes to that - not saying it will but would be good to be covered from that angle.

I am glad to hear you are back in the house and out of the shed - it is not at all an ideal situation but you should not be pushed out of the home like that. It is a good sign that she has packed up things already so very much hoping for your sake that one of the places she has applied for comes through.

[Anastasia]

Wow @Powderfinger 

You really are a Pandora's Box of talent! Congratulations!!! 🎉🎊

I look forward to hearing updates on your poetry pieces. I'm impressed!

@Zoe7 has a great point about adding your name to the lease, very wise. 

I really really hope the next couple of days bring about some change for you, good change. When you are at your lowest can you focus on your wins? Your poetry at the shop, the reaction of your client when seeing their chairs for example, they were truly remarkable.

Big hugs our dear friend. Please take care of you. You mentioned sh - no one's worth that. You have so many reasons to be here. I read something recently I liked, it included reasons for being here, things to miss, simple things like the sun, the stars, flowers, the smell after rain, a smile from the postman, fresh coffee...all the little things, but things never the less to be missed.

Back to the grinder for me so will be scarce but will keep you in my thoughts.

Hugs and hugs to all of you, @Peri too - enjoy your granddaughters arrival today and the next few days with her 🤗🤗🤗💞💞💞💪💪💪✔️✔️✔️🌷🌷🌷

[Powderfinger]

@Anastasia @Zoe7 @Peri 

Morning. I got a full.on day today and need to focus as best I can. I will come back later and write more. 

In the meantime I will say this. I understand your concerns regarding the lease. I totally hear you. I need you to hear me out though. 

I'm not going to be kicked out because I'm not in the lease. I may have been blind but I can still see some things. 

First of all, it just can't happen. My landlord won't allow it. He likes me. 

Secondly she won't ask me to leave. She can't afford the rent in her own at $800 a fortnight plus living expenses on top. 

Thirdly, it is very true that I am heartbroken, angry at how I've been treated and yes messed up in my head. I've spoken about the living situation and it would cause me even more stress to relocate with the current housing conditions here. The house I live in and the deal I have us rare to come by. 

Fourthly, I'm going to review this all in one week's time when things aren't so full on busy. 

Fifth, I'm not at all concerned about being kicked out. If it was going to happen, it would have happened by now. 

Last but not least, I had a thought this morning that I really need to start changing my mind set. I also have to have stronger boundaries with people TELLING me what to do. I'm not suggesting this is happening here. I have some other people telling me what to do and I'm not happy about it. I'm either going to say something or cut contact. Have not decided yet. 

I understand you care so much about me, this is why you are trying to help and protect me. In the case of me being on the lease, I'm not worried about it. I have no reason to be. So I'm not going to stress about something that is just not going to happen. I have enough to sort through. 

As mentioned I'm going to come back later and say more. I will respond to you @Anastasia 

I got to go. I need to leave soon. 

Thank you all for being there for me. I do need you and even though you can't be with me in person, it helps to know I can just come here. 

Love you all. Xxxx

[Anastasia]

Hi @Powderfinger 

All makes sense. No need to rush response, do what you need and come back when you can xxx

[Powderfinger]

@Anastasia @Zoe7 @Peri 

Just a mini post. I came home today after being out for quite a long time. She was sitting on the couch having something to eat and drink. Very rarely does. I suppose it was because I was not here. I came in, just said hi and kept going. Did a few things, sat down to rest for a while. She had her eyes closed like she was snoozing. It was the first time ion a long time I have actually been able to look at her. (We don't see much of each other) I sat and thought how beautiful she is. That is all I thought really. I know her and when she is in a bad way. So, I asked her, are you not well? She said no, I am ok. I said you do not look to well. No answer. I just looked at her again but did not say anything. 

I have seen her cry many many times so I know when it is coming. She still had her eyes closed and started to tear up. I saw it. Now, it is not because I do not care at all, I just know that whatever her reasons are, I am of no help to her. I dont even have any get up and go for myself. I also know better. I thought if you try she will just reject you anyway, so no point. I have cried so many times, sobbed softly and sobbed loudly. I did not always get any comfort from her. She would just leave me. It is not about payback. There was just nothing I could do. Another thing is I cannot fix her, save her, rescue her or do anything. I am badly hurt too. I am trying to save myself and that is a big enough job. I have had to work really hard at not feeling bad in myself for not asking further or feeling bad for not being there. A lot of self talk. It's just the first time I have seen her cry in front of me, she may cry privately, I do not know? 

The thing is I cannot explain what it felt like to have my heart ripped out of my chest by her. I still feel that absolute pain that I felt that day. It was not that long ago. My self esteem, self worth, self confidence has been completely shattered. I am not saying it is all her doing. I am saying she contributed largely to it. I go into freeze mode when anyone says anything about the end of my relationship. I just freeze. Going blank in my head is part of me freezing. Feeling pain, I at times go into freeze mode. For the first time throughout all our time together, I finally reached a point where I felt powerless with her, powerless to make any difference, powerless to work anything out, powerless to fight for the relationship/for us, powerless for so many things. Im not stronger, getting my strength back is going to take a long time. I dont tell many people how messed up I feel in my head. I try not to talk about it too much. Its so hard to describe, how I feel inside of myself. One minute at a time for me right now. 

I am so tired. 



I started to

[Powderfinger]

@Zoe7 

It was ok that you fell asleep. Clearly you were tired and needed sleep. Thank you for the support regarding my work. It is lovely to have this support. I am so very nervous, yet excited today. I am taking it all to the shop tomorrow. Also the extra money is going to come in very handy. 

I have written a post that has responded to all of you, so I am sure you will get to read that at some point? 

Powderfinger x

[Anastasia]

Oh @Powderfinger 

I hear you.

You did what was right for you. I'm proud xHugs and hugs 💞💞

[Powderfinger]

@Anastasia 

Yes, I am full of surprises. Thanks so much for the complments and support on my creative works @Anastasia 

I have received a lot of support here with my creative pursuits in life, and for that I am grateful. 

I am about to get started on getting all my work ready for tomorrow. I need to sort out quite a bit. I am going to take some photos of my stuff. I will share some here in this post later on. I am doing my best to take care of me. 

My memory and thinking capacity is off. When I cant think anymore and my brain just says, nope not going to help you out here, I go to sleeo. It is usually an indication I am tired and need sleep. Im fitting that in as much as I can at the moment. Just one minute at a time for me. 

Love you @Anastasia xxxx