Lived Experience Forum

[Captain24]

Im so glad that you were able to accept it and not blame them @tyme. It surprises me how much damage a childhood can do. 

My therapist had me think about my parents childhood and what they went through. It was an eye opener! I did learn that they had it really tough too. 

I don’t think I can really move past it until I deal with it. My nurse describes it as unpacking and repacking in a more manageable way. With that I then hope to accept them for who they are and stop blaming them. Then hopefully we can have a better relationship and they are no longer a trigger. 

They were very controlling and still are. They still have to know what I’m doing and where I’m going. Im hoping that with processing it all I will learn how to respectfully put in boundaries.

They are my parents so I need to give them respect. Im not sure I love them but I don’t actually know what love is,

other than pets. I’ve never been in love nor have I ever been loved. I’ve always felt that I was unlovable or not worthy. 

[tyme]

And that's okay if you don't know what love is -yet @Captain24 .

For me, I may have a skewed understanding of love so I don't at all use it lightly. I will never just say to someone "I love you". 

As they say, "Love is strong as death". If I cannot genuinely say that, then I won't use the word 'love'.

I do however, love my nieces and nephews. And yes, I would gladly die for them.

Adults? I'm still learning. 

But yes, my parents have had a huge impact on my personality development and attachment styles. Can I blame them? No. That is because they did not know any better. 

[Captain24]

Hey @tyme 

Love is hard. It’s hard to know and understand how it actually feels and what it is. Maybe it’s around the corner for both of us. But at this stage of my life I don’t want it, maybe later.

I get that parents don’t know better.

Mum had it hard. She had polio at 6 and spent 12 months is Sydney for rehab. No one was with her as nan had 2 other kids at him and pregnant. Her dad was in the army. Then her parent split up which in those times was not ok. She also had to help raise her 6 siblings. So I understand that she doesn’t know better. 

Dad was one of ten with an alcoholic father that worked away. Pop got sober when dad was 19. So nan didn’t have a lot of time. So I get him too. 

How was your day? 

[tyme]

Hey @Captain24 -

Thank you for sharing this with me. I really appreciate it can be so raw. It also hurts to know that sometimes, our trauma comes from our upbringing.

You have a good heart @Captain24  - to even consider your parents' responsibilities growing up which have probably shaped who they are today.

As hard as it is, I also know my parents will be there if I ever needed it.

As for my day today, I think I'm beginning to come down with something. My bones are achy, I've got a bit of a sore throat, headachy, and perhaps feverish. I had a little rest today and felt better after. But now that it is getting later, I think I'm beginning to have those symptoms again. Anyway, if I don't feel well, I'll take tomorrow off. Such is life!

What did you get up to today? Work?

[Captain24]

That’s not good @tyme. That’s exactly how I was with Covid! Worth a check. 

I over analyse things. Especially now with trying to understand my MI. My nurse keeps telling me to slow down and take my time to get through this journey and Rushing is going to end in disaster.

I worked today. I nearly crashed the truck! A truck did give way to me but I managed to pull up in time. It scared me a little. But I quickly moved on and got over it. I’m loving being able to deal with stuff! 

[tyme]

Adrenaline rush too I suppose @Captain24 ! Good on you for problem solving and saving the truck and YOU!

With MH, what I found worked for me was taking it slow and steady. When it was time, healing automatically sped up - i didn't have to push it. I think earlier on, I tried too hard to 'get well' that I ended up getting nowhere. But when the time came... it just happened.

When you had COVID, were you achy too? I took a COVID test earlier. I'll take another one now that you say it....

[Captain24]

I had a headache (it feels different to a normal one), sore throat, aching body, sore glands under my arms and really tired! @tyme. I’ve only ever shown up positive on one brand of tests. Also look for a faint line. @tyme 

Remember I’m an expert 3 times! 

[tyme]

Arghhh.... okay @Captain24 - I'll do it right now. 

[tyme]

Definitely negative @Captain24 . But my bones are even sore when I walk.

Maybe I'll test again in the morning.

[Captain24]

You have to wait 15 mins for the test to work! @tyme 

If we had of collided I would have definitely been hurt. 

In the beginning, I too, was so focused on getting rid of the bipolar. I couldn’t accept that I’m stuck with it for life. I just wanted to sort everything out and get in with life. Now I’m taking everyone’s advice and letting it run its course. I’m still constantly changing medication. 

I think I’m having a reaction to the one I’m increasing as I get really lightheaded when I take it. It’s like low blood pressure feeling. I also have to have weekly blood tests until the level is right. Lucky I’m not scared of needles. 

Im off to bed because I’m really not feeling well. I’m on night shift for the next 3 nights so I probably won’t be able to catch up. 

Hope you feel better soon and get a good nights sleep.