Lived Experience Forum

[starrydog]

Hi all, I had heard about the SANE forums quite awhile ago however wasn't entirely sure if I felt up to contributing- therefore I stayed as more of a reader of others stories.. 

Regardless- I thought i'd type about how it is at the moment and the situation with my own mental health as I know this isn't a unique experience at all, yet I still feel alone and a little hopeless in it. 

I've been living with CPTSD, Anorexia Nervosa, Manic depression of some sort and I'm also autistic- which isn't a bad thing or a mental health condition but it does come into my struggles as well as obviously being part of who I am. I am also chronically ill living with auto immune diseases & neurological issues w/ seizures etc. 

Just another quick friendly content/trigger warning for discussion of trauma experienced in the mental health system as well as brief mentions of suicide. Take care if these subjects may put you in a vulnerable place. 

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I really am quite stuck currently. I haven't had a mental health admission in over 8 months, and I was very stuck in and out of involuntary admissions for a long 12 or so months before then. This happened through finding a brilliant psychologist, I got very lucky with community MH services. But also through finding myself again and starting to learn how to nourish my own tired, exhausted body and brain. I had experienced the most extreme trauma I ever have in January of this year and the aftermath was horrendous, so as I was learning to cope as best as possible I began to be proud of myself. I slowly started to build up a sense of stability, self worth & had the most beautiful glimpse of what life really could look like. I even began my dream studies in healthcare too. 

What troubles me is, I think I moved forward too fast. I became confident too fast, separating myself from my mental illnesses too quickly. I started to overwork myself in employment and study, then became in a place of denial of ever having mental health struggles almost entirely. I also then started to decline physically and mentally, I also developed an ED which i've also still not fully accepted the diagnosis for given in September after almost completely blindly losing my life to it before being admitted for medical treatment. 

I guess this is the backstory here for context. 

Now we are in November, I feel absolutely utterly terrible. I've been in the most dysfunctional, empty, low depressive episode of my life since the start of October where I started to come out of the first lower scale manic episode. I have tried to use ever strategy i've used before, continuously telling myself that relapse is part of recovery (which is true), but everything still keeps going entirely downhill. 

I have my treatment team telling me I'm going to end up back in hospital for my mental health but they are more emphasising that being for the ED first. However, I feel troubled because I've gone to respite multiple times, I've been using all my strategies, wellness plans, absolutely dragging myself with my entire effort to all my therapy sessions etc. 

I even took myself to get an assessment on the weekend, but ended up not being entirely honest at all and taking myself home voluntarily straight after. This was out of pure fear, the mental health system has sadly (I'm sure I'm not alone in this) caused me almost more damage than helped me. I just don't think I could put myself through the pain and destruction of how I felt in admissions into MH units... I don't think I could do it again. 

But I also can't get out of bed, nothing is getting better and it's getting dangerous. I'm safe now but I know the thoughts creep in more every week, even though that's hard to admit. It's so hard, my brain feels like it's just broken from being over worked to just keep me alive. Nothing is working, it's not even a distress wave anymore.. it's just pure slow decline and pain. I can't even take care of myself properly at home in basic ways. 

I don't really know what to do. It hurts knowing my passion was to share things and open conversation for those who had been through their own struggle, and now i'm right back here sadly. 

I don't even know what to do when I can't even communicate with my team & I know there's not a whole lot of options that I haven't considered either. I feel so so alone and scared. It would make sense to have a higher level of care but I cannot feel trapped and scared like that again, I don't know if I could even do a short admission but I also don't know how to communicate with my team right now my needs as I just shut down. But also because I genuinely don't know how to help myself or what I need right now. 

This ended up being extremely long, however if anyone has any advice on alternative forms of communicating where they are at on paper or what they may need help with to stay well or at least out of crisis level- suggestions would be lovely to hear if you'd like to share. 

Or even any creative strategies outside of the regular DBT/Mindfulness etc. I find getting creative with them seems to help some people. 

(I am currently safe.) 

[wellwellwellnez]

This is reminding me a lot of the mantra problem I heard about.

Some researchers, somewhere found a problem research mantras in meditation. Apparently the self-hypnotic properties of chanting mantras can trigger self-defence mechanisms. This can create internal voices dedicated to contradicting the intent of the mantra. Like saying "I'm calm" a lot can slide into "Am I calm?" and from there someone can slide into all sorts of places. In ways, the issue is being too strong for your own strength.

[TuxedoCat]

hey @starrydog, thank you so much for trusting us with your story. I'm glad you felt up to sharing after reading along for a while ❤️ This sounds like a really scary time for you and I hope we can help you feel less alone. 

Firstly, you have survived through so much already. Through your story, you've shown courage, hope, and determination ❤️ It sounds like you've made incredible progress so far, and what you said about recovery not being straight forward is true. So many of us have little blips along the way. It doesn't make them less scary or less awful to go through, but you aren't alone. 

It sounds like you feel more support would be useful for you, but you're worried that you'll feel quite trapped like you were during involuntary treatment. Is that right? 

It is completely understandable that you're worried and scared about that happening again. I wonder what would happen if you did speak to your team about other options? What would you need to feel comfortable to do this? 

I thought I'd share some things for you

• This forum post from a while ago talks about the differences between voluntary and involuntary admis... It could be good to read about how others have prepared for and found voluntary admissions
• You could also speak to our drop-in counselling line just to talk through some options or help you get ready for a talk with your care team?

I'd love to hear how you're going this morning too ❤️ 

[tyme]

Hi @starrydog ,

Thank you for sharing your story.

It is very brave of you to reach out to a a community of people and share your vulnerabilities. 

I hear this is a challenging time for you, and also a scary one. 

There are many others here who have experienced voluntary and involuntary admissions. It is good to speak to your treating team about what works best for you.

I hope others will be able to share their experiences with you.

Look forward to hearing from you.

tyme

[tyme]

How are you today @starrydog ?

[starrydog]

I had been okay, up late now as I had been studying and it's been a very overwhelming 24 hours but coping. I was honest with my treatment team but I don't really know where we are going with things apart from some simple things, which is fine.

I'm having a real struggle being home alone this weekend, but it should be okay and I think I have a plan if things get too difficult on how to keep safe & well enough.

thank you to anyone who replied, i appreciate the support- I was a little late as I have been exhausted.. I hope everyone is well, take care

[jazz]

hi @starrydog  I am glad you have reached out and received support. Please look after yourself over the weekend and use the forum for conversations and support, however as you say, if things escalate for you then reach out to your safety plan. It is great to have you here, it can be a big struggle but you can do this 🙂 

[Flotsam]

@starrydog I am sorry that things are so hard for you right now, I too am feeling stuck just now, also avoiding a MHU, I am honest with my psychologist, but not the community mental health unit. I have an EMDR session booked for this week, which I am reservedly hopeful about. Apparently it might get worse before it gets better. 

Hearing how you are feeling and the struggles you are dealing with made me think of the Integrated Family Systems framework. I don’t know much about it but watched a few YouTube videos and did some thinking, I feel a little less stuck. 

Keep talking here, maybe journal, get it out somewhere, until you feel you can be honest with your health care professionals. They only hospitalise if they really need to.