Lived Experience Forum

[916]

It’s been a long couple of decades of struggling. I’ve worked with psychologists using all their methods (CBT,ACT, etc). But it’s still the same. If anything it makes me think there is no hope…I’ve made little progress. I see no purpose in my life. The pain and struggles outweighs the joy, even the ‘ok’. Feeling ‘nothing’ is a good day.

I’m in my 40s and realise nothing has changed within me, even if my career and cities have changed. I’m still alone, more than ever. I’ve learnt to be more self reliant but I’m exhausted from it. I’m still single which I’m very sad about. My friendship circles are smaller. My parents are more draining. I’m over my career, I’ve realised it’s a lost cause, caused more stress and hurt my already low self esteem.

I look at the present…it’s pain. I look ahead and see another 25 years of struggle and pain and the same script. But less hope since professional help just hasn’t made a difference. I’be been treading water since my teens.

I couldn’t hurt myself - my parents have already lost a child. 

Has anyone found a way forward, against much despair? 

[tyme]

Hi @916 ,

Thank you for reaching out. I can indeed speak from experience concerning what you have posted.

I felt like I went to every psychiatrist and psychologist in my area and still wasn't moving forward. Like you, it seemed like every treatment and therapy was tried. I couldn't make head or tail of anything and the more I struggled to stay alive, the deeper into despair I got.

Long story short..... for me, therapy worked when it was the right time. How did I know it was the right time? I didn't. 

So many times, I had tried a therapy, but I didn't internally do the work to 'practise' the skills. I wasn't committed. As much as I hated life, I think I thought the hatred would disappear on its own - it didn't.

When I was at the end of my tether, I reached out in earnest... I began a specific treatment for my MH condition. It was such a challenging time. I wanted to give up many times. But after about 3 years of intensive treatment, I saw the results... even today, I'm still working on the skills...it doesn't end even though therapy has ended. I believe it will be for the rest of my life....

I couldn't have asked for more. This new 'normal' I felt was nothing I'd ever experienced before...

So please just hang in there. Reach out. And if you 'fall' the first time, just keep plodding along. 

I'm here if you need a chat.

tyme

[Bow]

Hi @916 

Im 40 next year and relate to soooo much of what you have just shared. I don’t have anything helpful to add sorry, I feel very stuck and trapped… and feeling that deep despair. 

I liked what @tyme  shared…. But it’s hard to grasp that hope, that that day will ever arrive. 

[916]

Thank you for your reply @Bow. I hope you find that hope too. And soon.

I’m 42 and I can’t believe it’s turned out this way. I feel like the years are just repeating themselves.

[916]

Thank you @tyme, your reply means a lot to me.

I have been on an antidepressant for over ten years. It does help. I’ve accepted I’ll be on meds and need help for the rest of my life. I was interested in what you said about being ready and fully committed. I have thought in the past that I waited out the pain (because I was in so much pain I couldn’t do more, if that makes sense) and didn’t do everything I was told to do by psychs. But the last five or so years I feel I’ve really tried. 

I just often feel that it is all too late. My life is the way it is. 

I will keep trying. 

[bluegum]

Hi @916,

The longer I travel on this path, the more I look to connect with other people as an antidote to despair. How to achieve this practically is a challenge I still flounder over but even just the hope of it is my way forward at the moment. 

With great care

Bluegum

[ShiningStar]

Hi @916 

I just wanted to reach out to welcome you to the forums - it’s great to have you here 💜

I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve been struggling for most of your life and as I listened to this part of your story, I could hear such a profound sense of distress and despair - not only in relation to how your life has changed but also in terms of where you are now and how you see your future 💜

In my experience, reflecting on our lives can be incredibly confronting and distressing and as such, I’ve lost count of the number of times where I’ve been gripped by fear and panic as it suddenly dawned on me that despite the passage of time, nothing had overly changed and I was basically in the same spot that I had been for most of my life. As such, I can really appreciate how you’ve reached a place in your life, where you’re rapidly losing hope that you’ll be able to create the type of future that’s important and meaningful for you 💜

Just from what you’ve shared, it sounds as though you’ve experienced so many painful losses and as such, I just wanted to ever so gently acknowledge your experiences and to say how deeply sorry I am to hear that your parents lost one of their children and that you lost your sibling 💜

Perhaps similar to parts of your journey, I’ve also seen numerous therapists and participated in various types of therapy. However, despite my best efforts and commitment to my recovery, I saw very little if any change, which further exacerbated my distress.

As such, I found myself grappling with the same issues year in year out, to the point where I felt so stuck and defeated that I started to lose hope that anyone could help me. For the most part, the support that I received felt like a band aid and when the band aid fell off, the wounds were still there. As such, nothing had healed and nothing had overly changed because the underlying issues that had resulted in the wounds hadn’t been taken care of in the way that I needed. As a result of my experiences, hope faded and the belief that I would most likely live the rest of my life in a dark, dreary and dismal place intensified.

However, one day out of pure desperation, I decided to participate in a form of therapy called schema therapy. Although at first I was sceptical that this approach would be any different to all of the other approaches that I’d tried, over time, I began to feel and see some changes that I hadn’t noticed before 💜

Although I still have a way to go, these changes signified a turning point for me, as for the first time in such a long time, I felt a tiny glimmer of hope that perhaps my future could be different to the one that I had envisaged for myself several years ago.

Therefore, in all honesty, one of the things that helped me to find a way through the darkness and despair was finding the right care and support - which for me, was connecting with a Therapist who not only offered a different therapeutic approach, but who could also support me to feel safe so that I could work through the issues that were impacting so many different areas of my life 💜

Given everything that’s been happening for you, I just ever so gently wondered if perhaps some of the following resources may be helpful for you 💜

The first resource that I wanted to share with you is SANE’s ‘drop in service.’

Basically, ‘SANE drop-in services are staffed by qualified team of counsellors and people with lived experience of mental health issues who will provide you with free digital and telehealth support, information and referrals.’

I’ve reached out to this service numerous times and I’ve always had a really positive experience where I felt listened to and really well supported 😊

I’ve included the link to this particular service below, just in case you would like to explore this further 😊

https://www.sane.org/get-support/drop-in-service

The second service that I thought maybe helpful for you is SANE’s ‘guided service.’

Essentially, ‘SANE’s free guided service combines our range of digital and telehealth supports, tailored to the needs of people affected by complex mental health issues.’

I’ve included the link to this particular service below, just in case this is something that’s of interest to you 😊

https://www.sane.org/referral

I really hope that this helps you a little bit 💜

Please know that you’re always welcome to reach out here whenever you need to 💜

Take kind and gentle care of yourself,

ShiningStar 💜