Lived Experience Forum

[Powderfinger]

Thanks @Jynx 

[Powderfinger]

@Anastasia I slept till 7pm. I was tired. I have sleeps throughout the day, maybe 3 to 4 hours at a time. If my body says sleep, I sleep. 

I had a thought not long after I woke up. I thought to myself, fine, if these are decisions the landlord is making and she is making without me and no one is telling me until the last minute including her not even saying anything to me about it at all, then they can both deal with the conseuquences of their choices. The landlord can wait for as long as it takes and she can deal with the choice she has made. A conversation has happened without my knowledge and that makes me feel really angry because I do not trust that I am being told the truth. I have so much stress on my plate already. 

[Anastasia]

I 100% could not agree more I just couldn't find the words... 

@Powderfinger ✔️💞

[Powderfinger]

@Anastasia that's ok. I'm sick and tired of people making decisions about me without my knowledge not advising me or working anything out with me. So if either of them come to me whingeing, well they will both cop it and I won't be nice about it either. I'm so peeved right now.  

[Powderfinger]

@Anastasia @Zoe7 

One thinks and says the hardest thing to deak with out of any experience/situation..... there is no hardest thing to dlea with. There is many. One of them is trying to consolidate love and abuse. Abuse has nothing to do with love and there were times I felt so incredibly loved by her. The latter I do not want to recall. It hurts too much and sends me into confusion. How could she show me that much love and adoration yet also abuse me at the same time. 

I have read so many many many articles and all about abuse over the years. I do not want to read anymore. There is nothing I have not already heard or read. It got to the point where I was being told that even the way I loved her was wrong. Many times it was indicated to me that I was controlling her. I think this was actually a part of her abuse towards me. I used to think it was because she did not know the difference between real love and being abused because of her background. Now I think it was part of her abuse towards me. That right there is the confusion and questioning I have had to go through. 

I reflect back on our time together. I have always been a communicator. I believe I was doing healthy things. As I am a writer, it automatically means I am a reader as well. As I have been thriough so much abuse in my life, I wanted to learn not to turn out like that myself. I have read a lot about healthy relationships and how to have healthy relationships. I ahve worked a lot on myself. I didnt know what healthy relationships were. I didnt know how to have one and I didnt know what was unhealthy. It all came as a huge shock to me to learn what healthy was. 

I know that abuse is not just phsyical. There are many forms of abuse. Upon reflection I think now that perhaps her attemoting to convince me that I was an abusive and controlling partner was her way of keeping me in line in some ways. I do not really know. All I know is it I got the point where I was not even able to go on anymore. I am trying not to feel sad for her really. It will keep me stuck. I truly loved my girl so very deeply. I did want to spend the rest of my life with her. I always told her how beautiful she was. She cooked a lot, there was not a single time that went by that she cooked where I did not give her a kiss on the cheek after dinner, give her a compoliment about the meal and thank her for cooking for me. 

It wasn't something I had to remember to do. It came naturally because I loved her. I was always uplifting her on various things. She is great at crocheting and making things. I always encourage her and loved the things she made. Whatever she wanted to do, she had my support. I am not saying I was the perfect partner, no one is perfect. I probably did make a few mistakes. I also know though I did the best I could to be a good partner. What I did not realise is that in life it does not mean that is a reason for anyone to treat you right or want to continue being with you. 

There is still so much worse. She has caused a lot of havoc in my life. A lot of pain, a lot of disbelief, hurt and confusion. She has chosen the path she has and it is not with me anymore. I need to work on accepting this and letting go more. I also need to get that there is no coming back after this. I need to work on not letting her back in if she tries. This is something that is going to be really hard for me to do especially when I am very vulenrable and still extremely hurt by her. Im not saying she will try, but one doesnt know. I do not know. I am just saying this in the event that it does happen. I need to keep that door shut to her while I am trying to sort me out. 

She had that opprtunity while she has been here and she has not take the opportunity at any time and I have not asked because I knew the results of me asking would not be good results for me. If she did reach out, it would be because she cared about me, missed me, wanted to talk to me, it would be for her, not for me. So, really there is no need for contact. 

[Powderfinger]

@Clawde 

I see you support a lot if posts which is nice but I've never seen you post or talk in the forums 🙂

[Anastasia]

Thinking of you @Powderfinger 💞

[Powderfinger]

@Anastasia  Hi. Always nice to see a post from you. 

Today has been another horrible anxiety filled day. I did have my support worker for two hours today which was nice though. She cares. I'm thankful that is in place for me. She took me to the hospital to have my ultrasound and x ray done, she took me to the housing department, and to the shops to get some things I needed. She also shouted me a coffee. It was nice for me to have someone to talk to. 

I have lost trust in my landlord. The way I feel towards him has changed and I will not be communicating with him as much as I used to. Only if it is really necessary. My lease runs out here in June and I am unsure if I will be renewing it or moving out. I'll look at that further down the track. I lost trust in him because a decision was made behind my back, without my knowledge, and not discussed with me that he is keeping her bond until I have paid mine in full. He let me know via a text message and included that he had spoekn to her about it and she was fine about it all. 

I had spoken to him the day before I found this out and he signed the paperwork for the provisional bond I have. It was not the full amount. $520 missing but I told him my plan to get that to him asap. Obviously that was not good enough for him and the decision I mentioned was made. Without all the information, I cannot actually make an accurate assessment of what has really gone on. Neither party communicated with me. I feel like a sitting duck. 
So, today I had to contact the housing department as I handed in the signed papaerwork yesterday for my provisional bond. I rang up this morning to find out about the progress. 

They tell me unfortunately we cannot approve it. I just went quiet and did not know what to say. It was the last thing I needed to hear. It was because my landlord put on the form that the lease started on the 7 month of last year, which is true. She asked me some questions and I told her that my ex is moving out and paid the entire bond when we moved into the property. She asked me if I have a lease renewal only with my name on it and I said yes. She said if you bring that in we should be able to approve it. So, I took the paperwork in and she said we will have an answer for you soon. I still do not know. Every single part of me feels no hope. I just don't allow myself to be hopeful anymore about much. The fact for me is I may need to find $1600 that I will not be able to find so in that case my only other option would be to break the lease. 

Other than that it is 5:15 pm here currently. I am going to start packing to leave for my friends house in the morning. I am leaving around 10am. I will be coming back at some point on Saturday. I have been working out my leaving plan. I am just going to leave a sticky note where I know she will see it. All I am going to put on it is, leave your keys on the dining table when you leave. 

Nothing else. Just that. There is nothing else I want to say or need to say to her. I just want her to go. When I leave for my friends house, I am blocking her phone number so I cannot be texted or called by her. I have not yet decided whether I should block her from sending me any emails either. I just do not know what to do with that. There is a small part of me that thinks in the back of my mind that maybe she will email me once, be nice, take responsibility for the things she has done, and the hurt she has caused me over a long period of time. Who doesn't want that? I am human, it is a rational need to want that. In saying that, gauging her treatment of me, I am thinking what I would like is not based in any kind of reality I could imagine with her. I do not know what she may or may not do. There is also a part of me that wants to protect myself from further harm, abuse and damage. Hence my reason to further block her via email. This means that she will not be able to get in touch with me in any way at all. The only way would be to trun up at my house or send me mail in the post. That will be about it. @Zoe7  your input on this would be great as well so it can help me come to decision. My emotions, feelings and thoughts are too all over the place naturally and my brain power simply is not able to think of everything right now. 

Last but not least, I am really only allowing people around me right now who understand that I need a lot of support around me during this difficult time. I do not want people around me pushing me to do things. All decisions need to be my own. I certainly do not need or want people makeing decisions for me. I do not mind suggestions, but I want to be the one to decide if that is something I need and want. I am the one who has to live this life, not them. 

As for her actually leaving, I am not sure how I feel. I guess I am trying maybe not to connect with it much at all. I feel different things at different times when I think about her leaving. At the very least, she can go and live life on her own terms now and do what makes her happy. 

I also have not shared this before and only thought of it this afternoon. I came out of an abusive relationship in 2019. No abusive relationship is worse than the other. I had to go through a lot more though with that one. It was quite intense. The police actually did get involved and applied to the courts for a protection order. It was a long process for me and a lot to do. I won and got a five year protection order. The evidence I had was quite staggering and she had prior history. 

That part of my life is in the past, but I had it come into my mind this afternoon because I am still trying to work through my confusion of love and abuse. I still sometimes think I have it all wrong and then at other times I am certain it was abuse. A counsellor said it, my support worker said it, a friend of mine said it, I trust those three people that said it, but still in my mind somehow there are times I accept it and see it and then there are times where I go into denial and start making excuses/blaming myself. This is also one of the nightmares I live everyday. 

That is it from me for now. xx much love to you

[Anastasia]

Hugs to you. I'm sorry my brain is not able to absorb tonight. Please forgive me and know that I'll be back tomorrow when I can digest and respond. Love and hugs @Powderfinger @Zoe7 🤗🤗🙏🙏💞💞

[Powderfinger]

@Anastasia 

I understand. No worries.