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Something’s not right

Gillie1
Senior Contributor

Toxic abusive neighbor

I don't know how to deal with my neighbor. I don't know how to respond. We have had issues since I moved in. She is sensitive to any noise that comes from my house. She has accused me of crap that just isn't true. She mumbles abusively complaining about anything. If I try to talk calmly to her she becomes loudly abusive. I have tried writing her letters asking her to help resolve issues we are having thinking that would be less confrontational but that doesn't work. I have asked her to go to mediation and she refused.

 

I have tried talking with housing and their solution at the time was to suggest starting process to chuck her out which wasn't what I wanted either. She never says anything to me in front of anyone but bags me and my dog out to my neighbors any chance she gets.

Last week she got herself caught out by entering my home and abusing my cleaner for "banging on the wall " she was vacuuming and is not an aggressive vacuumer. She has been quiet since. Till this morning when she brought her dog out to the park while I was out there with mine.

 

My dog is still a puppy and still jumps when excited and jumped on her to say hello. We are working on it. Her dog was growling they pick up on their owners tension. She bagged me and Cookie out to the other dog owner in front of me. I believe she deliberately came out to create drama. To get a reaction, to show she can say what she wants without consequences. 

 

I have had police over to talk with her before and that has had no effect. She doesn't know my cleaner is making a police report today about what happened last week. 

I haven't wanted to but I have started the process of charging her with trespassing.

 

She really scared my cleaner coming in angry and abusing her and it makes my house an unsafe work environment. Never really cared enough to protect myself, it was never something I could prove anyway. But now it's effecting my dog and my support team. I don't really have a choice.

 

The thing is it probably won't make a difference. Infact things are probably going to get worse before getting better. 

 

Does anyone have any advice on what to do? How do I protect myself till I can move?

16 REPLIES 16

Re: Toxic abusive neighbor

Gosh, @Gillie1. No-one is about? It happens sometimes.

 

I can only say, from my experience and for what it's worth, just keep a low profile. When in this situation myself, I changed my routine in order to avoid my neighbour/s (as far as possible). I didn't engage as this only feeds their need for further engagement and resolves nothing. Just bear through it and perhaps, as has been my experience, the neighbour moves away when he/she/they do not achieve the desired objective. 

 

 

Re: Toxic abusive neighbor

Thanks @Historylover.

That's what I've been trying to do. Go out at different times, take cookie for a walk instead of the park when I see she is out the back. I have headphones on 24/7 and especially when out the back so I can avoid hearing the specifics of her crap but I can still hear it the tone of voice and swear words still get through. 

 

I'm just permanently scared of everyone I meet these days and especially her. And her impact on any connection I have left with the community I really used to enjoy living in.

 

I know I'm clinically paranoid these days but I'm paranoid because of real experiences.

Re: Toxic abusive neighbor

'Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean she is not out to get you' @Gillie1. I could see you have tried everything, that's why I didn't make an immediate reply.

 

Just keep ignoring it as best you can. I wish I could offer more but you'll just have to ride it out. People are sure a mixed bag, aren't they? 

Former-Member
Not applicable

Re: Toxic abusive neighbor

Hi @Gillie1 @Historylover 

I feel your anxiety and frustration.

My neighbour issue went on for 10 years in the tribunals and courts.

I warn you, it is hard to change others. We can only change our attitude.

I think trespass only works once issued with a trespass notice. 

You need legal advice. Go to a community centre that offers free advice.

Security cameras help that they may keep them away. I use them

My main thing is Date/timed photos with  camera.

I also used a voice recorder. It cannot be hidden. Converstaions with my neighbour I told them l am recording this conversation and they cpuld see the recorder red light.

Life is not fair

Hard to get our rights for peace.

People know police can only warn really. Courts take ages to get in, cost a lot of money and often, like intervention orders, are very hard to enforce.

Do not worry what you think others think about it. Often others will not help you because they do not want the bully attacking them too. 

In a chart, i use word, Date. Time. What happened. Photo reference.

You need documentation.

Courts have a saying "clean hands"

You have to show what they did without retaliation.

Stay calm. You need to find a way to sleep. It drains your energy.

Mine was 10 years and o am affected even though they leave me alone now.

You have to decide how much work you are going to put in.

Re: Toxic abusive neighbor

Oh so sorry for what you are going through @Gillie1.

I am afraid I have no useful advice. You do you and try and ignore her carry on.

 

Meggle

Re: Toxic abusive neighbor

@gillie1dont sound healthy or safe

Re: Toxic abusive neighbor

Hi @Gillie1 

Sorry to hear about that odious element near by. There always seems to be atleast one bad onion in the bag, doesn't there...

 

I am reminded of a story I read way back... before I was even born. It told of a wandering sage and how he would go from town to town imparting wisdom in the most eloquent of speeches, and what have you...

 

One time he came upon a village where the locals had been long terrorised by this very aggressive snake. And as the villagers listened in keenly to the guru, the snake, also, heard him speak. Which just so happened to be on the subject of compassion and kindness toward all living creatures...

 

Well, so moved by the wise man's words, the snake himself made a vow to never again cause fear or injury to anyone. 

And so the snake turned his life around...

 

A year later, the wandering sage ultimately came back through town, to which the snake had a major bone to pick with him! For you see: since changing his ways the villagers found licence to exact all kinds of retribution on the snake, and kikked him, and stepped on him til he was but a torn, tattered shadow of his former self.

 

"So much for your words on kindness and compassion" the snake complained. " For an entire year I lived like that - now look at me!... Ive not caused anybody any harm. I have bitten no one, yet I am barely alive"

 

The wiseman responded with: "My friend: I never said that you ought not hiss!"

 

Re: Toxic abusive neighbor

@Kyle1 Thanks for that. 

She is there bagging me and my dog out to someone else right in front of me for things she is contributing to and I am working on.

If I say or do anything she will either explode or use it as ammunition so I keep silent and try and stay out of her way try not to give her anything to use but it's so frustrating and she searches for stuff all the time. 

Re: Toxic abusive neighbor

@Gillie1  there's a book called "other people's behavior" or maybe it was  "changing other people's behaviour" ..?

 

One of the strategies I remember mentioned in there was 'extinguishing', and simply, it means not offering any kind of pay off or feedback to the behaviour you want to stop. Neither positive or negative, but completely ignoring it... the book purports this is the most effective of all.

 

I don't know if I can endorse it, but ... just throwing it out there for ya.

 

I lived with a bad neighbour for years, too. In and out of courts. Dogs in the mix... 

It can be very stressful

 

 

 

 

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