Lived Experience Forum

[ray_of_sunshin3]

Hi there

Still in the throws/process of getting diagnosed with BPD my next psychiatrist appointment is tomorrow actually. Just got back from a family holiday with my in laws. The first three days were relaxed then my mother in law did something that really frustrated me and I wasn’t able to just left it go internally. So in what seems to be usual fashion I festered on it and blew it up in my head. No doubt ruining the general relaxed holiday vibe and upsetting my husband. Why do I do this and why can’t I seem to stop myself from derailing myself and those around me? @BPDSurvivor 

[tyme]

Hey @ray_of_sunshin3 ,

Everyone is different. Although I cannot answer this for you, I can say that for me, I fell into the trap of behaving in this way because it was a somewhat 'protection' for me. 

Because of childhood trauma, I learnt not to trust people, and if any dare even look at me the 'wrong' way, I'd hold it against them and it would ruin my entire day. 

Conversely, even if I was in the foulest mood, if someone did something that was 'pleasant', my emotional switch would change in an instant.

Bottom line, what you are feeling seems quite the norm for people with BPD. Hence, BPD is seen as one of those things that really only becomes apparent when we are around others. If they were on their own, no one would know any BPD existed.

I hope you will able to have targeted psychotherapy to support you and to speed up the recovery process.

[puzzlingdino]

Hi @ray_of_sunshin3 

Firstly, congratulations!! I remember you posting in the lead-up to your wedding, and I was excited to see you referencing your husband now in this post. 

I understand how challenging it can be when things feel like such a big deal and you can’t move past the emotions and thoughts that they bring up, and it’s especially frustrating when others don’t understand and you feel like you’re ‘in the wrong’ for having these feelings. I am quite early in my BPD treatment and am yet to start working on the types of skills that could be useful for managing this kind of situation, but I want to say that I hope you are able to have some compassion for yourself and the way that you experience and respond to the world around you. 

I know it can sometimes feel like you’re destined to forever continue the existing patterns of thoughts, feelings, and behaviours that you may have noticed in yourself, but it is possible to manage these things and greatly reduce the impact they have on your life. I’m glad to hear you’re working with a psychiatrist at the moment, and am hopeful that you’ll find your treatment journey beneficial in helping you to address some of the things that you’re struggling with.

[TuxedoCat]

hey @ray_of_sunshin3 ❤️ I just wanted to pop in to say this is really relatable to me. While I don't experience BPD, I certainly relate to what you've written. It seems like you're feeling frustrated at your response to situations like this and maybe some guilt. Is that right? 

There are times that something happens with friends or family and I feel so angry. I can't stop thinking about what happened. I run over the conversation in my head. And then words come out of my mouth that SURPRISE ME. The way they sound feels so gross to me. Afterwards, I feel so frustrated at myself and I often feel a lot of shame or guilt around how I behaved. It feels so yuck. Not sure if you relate? 

Is there anything that you can do to let go of some of the yuck feelings for yourself?

Take care,

TuxedoCat

[tyme]

Be kind to yourself @ray_of_sunshin3 

[tyme]

Hearing you @ray_of_sunshin3 . Thanks for sharing @puzzlingdino !

[ray_of_sunshin3]

Thank you! It’s definitely a battle

[ray_of_sunshin3]

Yes exactly how I feel and then I spend a good length of time afterwards putting myself down for being hurtful or having extreme reactions. I do need to come up with something that helps me to pause and think before I let myself spiral.

[ray_of_sunshin3]

Thank you for your response it’s reassuring to know there are others struggling with similar challenges. I’ve got an appointment with my gp now who will refer me to a psychologist who focuses on DBT. Hoping I find better methods of dealing with how I respond when stressed or overwhelmed. All the best with your journey too.

[ray_of_sunshin3]

Thanks for your response! That’s definitely the ongoing struggles I have. The psychiatrist gave me some good direction with getting support so I’ve found someone who does DBT and possibly a group therapy option too.