Lived Experience Forum

[marktuite2017]

Hi Everyone,

I need some advice before I do or say anything to make a jealousy situation worse.  I went through my partners WhatsApp messages yesterday and found out that she was still inviting an old boyfriend over to her apartment while we were serious.  It was early days but we had committed to moving in together.  To me that was exclusive which means she shouldn't be inviting old lovers over for night caps.  I don't know what happened when the ex visited and I don't want to know because just inviting him over is cheating.

I want to confront her with it but I know I've also broken her trust by going through her phone.  This happened years ago but they were still messaging each other up until last Christmas.  The jealousy is absolutely ripping me apart and I know if I confront her with it, it will explode and possibly destroy the relationship.

I don't know what to do.  We didn't speak at all yesterday because I don't know what to say or how to say it.  She is now angry at me because it's another one of my BPD massive mood swings but I can't tell her why.

Do I confront her with it or Do I stay silent?  Any advise will be greatly appreciated.

[Kyle1]

hi @marktuite2017 

Welcome to SANE Forums...

I'm just wondering: how do you define your relationship together?..

You've made mention of believing it was exclusive...

You also mentioned what line you feel has already been crossed and therefore is 'cheating'...

Are these things deal breakers for you?..

If they are, then (to use your own words) the relationship is already "destroyed" ...

If they aren't, you might be able to find a way to deal with your feelings while understanding hers, and then sharing more open communication together...

But I think it comes down to you.

[marktuite2017]

Hi @Kyle1 ,

Thanks for the reply.  It happened a couple of years ago so it won't be a deal breaker but it will certainly put a dent in the trust.

Anyway, thanks for the advice.

[Kyle1]

How do you see the future of your relationship @marktuite2017 , built on that dented trust? ...

Since this happened a couple years ago (?), it looks like you're living the future already...

[Owlunar]

Hi @marktuite2017 

Whoops - it seems as if both of you have slipped up - your partner by seeing her ex on your watch and you have been reading her phone. That is what they call double jeopardy I think - you know - eavesdroppers would be likely to hear things they would rather not at times - and you have.

It doesn't speak well for your relationship - either would be a deal breaker for me personally - we are here to help - so what can I say?

You have some choices - you are upset though - this will cloud your judgement so let a little time pass - and think about what you want out of this relationship - that's a good start.

You can be open with your partner and let her know you have been reading her phone. I have a pin on mine so no one can read it - obviously she hasn't - it's something you could start the conversation off with - e.g. "It would be a good idea for everyone to have a PIN on their phone" - and go from there - admitting what you read and letting her know how you feel about a third party in your partnership. 

Who knows - maybe it's just night-caps - maybe she's lonely. If you do confront her you will have to let her know about reading her phone - it will be really hard all around.

It's tough - we will be here to support you if you choose to go ahead - if that's what is really necessary. If you choose to keep quiet about it make sure it doesn't eat you up.

I'm sorry you have all the happening - I hope it all works out.

All the best

Owlunar

[marktuite2017]

Hi @Owlunar 

Thank you for the advice.  I confessed to her last night and it didn't go down well.  She already knew that I had been looking through her phone and was waiting for me to man up and confess.  Unfortunately I see the world as black and white or right and wrong with nothing in between.  In my mind she was wrong by inviting this guy to her Flat but by snooping on her phone I never gave her the benefit of the doubt.  It probably was just a night cap and she was probably lonely.  I'm still funny about it but she reassured me that nothing happened.  Life is complicated I guess and doesn't always fit into my black or white view.

Thanks again for the advice.  It's out there now and we're working through it.

[Owlunar]

Hi @marktuite2017 

I'm sorry it's taken a few days to get back to you - I appreciated your reply and that you let me know what's been happening.

It's really good that you opened up to your partner - honesty is always good - sometimes it has to be tempered with the given circumstances at the time. There is a precept I like - it goes

"If given a choice between being right or being kind - choose kind." That doesn't been being untruthful - I think people need to be circumspect - and that would be hard with black and white thinking - I thought about that for a few days.

Really - when it comes to human nature nothing is black or white - look at a rainbow - there's no black or white there - all the other colours we can see but not those too - and even so - the colours haven't got sharp edges - they blur into each other - and in a paint box - colours can be mixed to enhance a painting - and black and white are part of that as well - so there is a place for all colours we can see - and according to David Attenborough - there are colours we can't see - so that is fantastic.

And people are like that too. I hope you can work through that idea and it bears fruit in your life.

My son had BPD - I know a little bit about it - it's challenging - you can change though - perhaps not your emotions - not easily - your thoughts - that will take practice - your actions though - they are under your control - practice is required there too.

I wish you the best.

Owlunar