Lived Experience Forum

[Ruma]

Hi everyone, I am new to the site.  I have depression, anxiety and PTSD which I have struggled with a long time.   Just when I feel that I have it under control something comes " out of left field and throws me off balance".   My logic seems to go on holidays and my emotions take over.  At the moment I have recently had surgery  and moved house within two weeks.  Everyone has been great and helped and I am grateful but I felt very vulnerable and had little control over things, they just happened around me.  The surgery was an emergency so the move couldn't be postponed nor the operation.   Everything got triggered and I actually felt disconnected and traumas just came flooding back.  I tried to be ok while everyone was around but burst into tears a couple of times.  My son found this very difficult to deal with.  I am 67 and feel sometimes he thinks I am a emotional old lady.  Sometimes I just want someone to understand the all consuming struggle to keep my head above water and the energy it requires to put on a brave face, that was hard with everyone moving my stuff and with me for days.  I live alone and find I need to be alone to recharge myself.  So here I am.

[HappyCastle]

Welcome @Ruma. I hope you are able to find the support and connection you're looking for here on the forums! 

[Zoe7]

Two major things in your life at the same time is difficult at the best of times @Ruma but feeling you have had little control over either makes it even more difficult. I remember when I moved that the helpers were not always so 'helpful'. They did not take the same care with things as I would have or wanted and everything seemed to be super rushed so that heightened my anxiety also. Having an operation on top of that for you is tough. Allow yourself the time to health both physically and mentally and then begin to build your home as you would like. Often it is the little things that make it a home - photos, a favourite chair, a few plants. etc. and when they are placed where you would like them then it feels yours. 

Most days, many of us are just keeping our head above water so you are not alone in that. Taking it one day at a time, finding a little positive in each day as well as accepting that there will be not so good days all matters. Float if you cannot swim until you have the energy to swim again. Above all know it is okay to let your emotions out and if that is in the form of crying then so be it. Many do not understand the struggles associated with depression, anxiety and PTSD - especially if they have never eperienced any of those themselves. Here though there are so many (unfortanately) that do get it. It is great you have found us and I hope you can find the support you deserve from people that have some understanding of those struggles you face every day.

Welcome to the forums @Ruma 

[SmilingGecko]

Hey Ruma,

I think you had some very major life challenging events in succession which explains how you feel. Both surgery and moving home are rated as the most challenging things in ones life on a psychology scale.  Given that is the case you would do well to be less harsh on yourself.  In my opinion you have coped extraordinarily well under the circumstances.  I don't know how I would have coped...so kudos to you. I also know that families don't understand us and can make us feel inadequate for our inability to survive on occassion.  Its hard to convey what mental illness does and how people can feel inconvenienced by our lack of ability to cope in the day to day.  I think you are coping as best you can - we all are. When you get old like us we have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep on keeping on!  I have a range of coping mechanisms that I use which I can't mention here due to posting guidelines. You may have some coping mechanisms that you draw upon.  But I think what you really need is just a bit more understanding and for people to cut you some slack.  I have learned that theres not much compassion abounding in the world today and, in part people are empathy deficient nowadays.  You will get more understanding from your psychiatric community then elsewhere as they understand your struggle and hardship.  Your son may not adequately appreciate your situation even though he loves you but you can't expect him to understand something he himself has not gone through which in turn can make someone like yourself feel very alienated.  I think you just want a little bit of understanding, love and respect which would go a long way to healing such a rift between you and the people coming to terms with you and your situation. But you've done well.  Even a really strong person in such a situation realises his weakness so please just pat yourself on the back for getting thus far.  Sending hugs your way and wishes for a speedy recovery.

[Appleblossom]

Hello @Ruma 

I am reading this article atm, could be helpful in explaining things to your son.  I too have difficulty, feeling the need to hide deeper feelings from my son. Hope you benefit from the forum.

Cheers Apple

Anyone for fruit?

[Ruma]

Thank you.