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Blacksheep
New Contributor

Not allowed to set boundaries

My sister became involved with a foul individual about 7 years ago. In the two years between 2017-2019, she left him twice. I was closest to the situation,  and the abusive texts and other fall out spilled over into my life. She is with him again, and pregnant. Her own behaviour when she goes back is exploitative, she deflects any responsibility, and she accuses me of victimising her because I am still angry and keep my distance. Rather than respect my boundaries, she uses her relationship as assumed privilege to come here, see my son and persist with unwanted contact. The extended family are more interested in finding excuses for her partner's behaviour than supporting my position. If I hear  'He had a terrible childhood' one more time....They've continually enabled her to place him at the centre of family life, until my partner and I dug our heels in and refused. Now we're being blamed, especially me. 

3 REPLIES 3

Re: Not allowed to set boundaries

Good for you blacksheep. I wish I had adults like you around when I was a small child to say enough is enough, I won’t allow that in my house or around my kids. The problem is when people say “he/she has had a terrible childhood”…..well, so have a lot of people!

 

Compare it to others and you will get a sense of his character, not his biography.

 

Maybe they are more similar in personality than you have wished to admit until now and you are wondering who your sister really is, but she has chosen him over her clan, which must really hurt. She’s trying to have it all her way with no consequences.

Former-Member
Not applicable

Re: Not allowed to set boundaries

Hi @Blacksheep, thank you for posting and welcome to the forums 🌻

 

I'm sorry that you're experiencing this situation - I can relate to complicated dynamics like this. It sounds difficult because perhaps your sister didn't behave in such ways before she became involved with this person? So the behaviours could just be due to the unhealthy influence of that person, and if so it might not be easy for those behaviours to change if they're together often. At the same time, the future is not determined and anything could happen!

 

I'm hearing that you, like me, value accountability and boundaries around unacceptable/abusive behaviours - hold strong to these values 💐 As a quote I came across the other day said, "people who get upset when you set boundaries are the ones who benefited from you having none."

 

I agree with you @Corny that it would be great to have (and have had) more role models who set boundaries against unacceptable behaviours - this is what you're doing @Blacksheep  👏🏼👏🏼

 

Hoping for the best for your sister, yourself @Blacksheep, and the broader family - and sending support regardless Heart

Re: Not allowed to set boundaries

"people who get upset when you set boundaries are the ones who benefited from you having none."

 

@Former-Member great quote.

 

 

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