@Susa
Hello Susa
I am really pleased to hear back from you.
In this note, there may be triggers for you and other readers
Your discussion before seemed to indicate that your daughters had developed a bond with their step mum, baby brother and step sister (and dog(; ).
I am very gratified/pleased that you feel that the relationship with the step mum is positive and a good influence for your daughters. It is equally pleasing to know that you also have become friends. I very much hope that in the immediate and continuing future that those good relationships will have a stabilising effect for all of you.
It seems, for the time being, that the least amount of attention to the eating issues, the better. It would be my thinking that the eating issues are really a reaction to other issues that may be best addressed separately from the eating issues. If the major issues can be effectively addressed, then the eating issue, I believe will very likely be, as a consequence, resolved. {Obviously, I am giving my opinion and I have no other qualification than the experiences that I have had and what I have observed during my life.}
These ideas relate also to her avoidance of anyone trying to make her eat. I believe the eating issue will not be a problem unless it becomes of medical concern. I believe that your daughter may be saying:
“Anyone trying to make me eat is not seeing the real problem, stop trying to make me eat.”
Unfortunately, your daughter may not have really identified, in her own mind, clearly what the problem is. So the refusal to eat is a statement that a problem exists, but no one can address it until it is identified. The problem may be something like generalised anxiety which is difficult to pin down.
It would be my thought at this time that your daughter admires you in particular and, as I am now aware, her step mum also. In relation to herself, she may be thinking, though not necessarily in a logical or clear way, that her chance at success in life is diminished significantly if her mother and her step mum appear to have been unsuccessful in retaining the admiration of her father. (I identify the word appear because I don't necessarily believe that her thoughts or the reasoning underlying them in as much as her view of what appears to be so, need necessarily be so or true. Her thoughts cannot take into account the individual and general factors in relationships that she neither knows nor understands.)
From the discussion that we have had since our first notes, I believe as far as I can tell, that the girls have not one, but two good role models. In this respect, I would think that they are very fortunate.
Paradoxically, I believe that, despite the possible inconsistency in her assessment of your lives, that her, and I would presume, both daughters' admiration is a compliment to both of you.
The fact that your daughter only wants to spend her time with you indicates to me, that with you she feels safe. Anywhere else is unpredictable and possibly unsafe.
Unfortunately, even subconsciously, both of you Mums could be experiencing similar negative thoughts and reflections on life. I know that I have done so in the past and those thoughts flicker on and off every now and again, still.
I can understand, empathise and feel keenly, the raw feelings and nervous reactions to the circumstances that each of you is experiencing. They are similar, no doubt to the feelings that I have experienced in the past.
Personal Information
Since my eldest daughter has observed the way I looked after my Mum (her grandmother) during the ten years before her passing eighteen months ago, my daughter has since been able to ask me questions about relationships during the preceding years. I have been married twice and now only have meaningful contact with my eldest daughter and occasional contact with my son, her younger brother. Three other daughters, I have only seen a few times since their mother, my second wife, left.
I am aware that the last paragraph raises significant questions about me, my personality, behaviour, any and all health issues, including mental health. In retrospect, I would say that the most significant reasons for my lack of relationship success were philosophical and intellectual differences. These types of issues do not get much attention in the media, inquiries, etc. Indeed, for me the question arises, how is it that aggressive and often violent men attract the attention of some women. There are a number of threads on this forum that ask those questions in which I have offered some of my observations.
The last two paragraphs are not offered to attract sympathy, but rather to give an indication of the position from where I offer insights and suggestions. It is through my involvement on the forum that I am able to rethink some of the issues from my own life and hence, why I often state that in sharing thoughts with others, there is the opportunity for mutual benefit and development.
I think that one of the major issues to be dealt with for the girls is to provide them with as much reassurance as possible that, while their lives, as is the case with all of us, will never be perfect, they can expect to have significant achievements, accomplishments and
successes in their lives. Some of these achievements will be accomplished independently, some with the help and support of others and some in spite of others. There will be pitfalls and discouraging events but the positives will outweigh the negatives.
An expression that I dislike very much is:
“Don't worry, everything will be – will turn out – alright/okay.”
To me the expression is an untruth, that attempts to diminish the fact that there will be adversities and obstacles in life to deal with.
However, an expression I do think appropriate is:
“It is the way, the manner, the techniques we use, in dealing with adversities and obstacles that are the measure of and contributors to our success in life.”
I understand your concern that sharing with her older sister may be a burden for your younger daughter, however, it could also be the manner through which your younger daughter will acquire her own strength.
I can certainly feel the anxiety that you are experiencing. You are dealing with some issues in your life that are predictable yet unfortunately timed. That raises the question:
“Is there ever a perfect time for anything?”
The combination of stress that you have experienced through your own life events and, having that relived again through the situation of the step mum, the recent onset of menopause, your daughter's distress combined with the arrival of her periods, concern for your younger daughter (though I suspect that she may be stronger than might be apparent) your change in work situation (while possibly a relief in some way, is still stressful) – it is not surprising that your emotions hit a high while you were in Bunnings. There is also the feeling/thought that everyone else seems to be living a normal life - why do I seem to be in such turmoil. The fact that "everyone else seems to be living a normal life", may not necessarily be a reality for them, but it's the appearance by which we are affected.
You have asked what my thoughts are on phone usage. At this stage, Phone usage may be, as you say, an emotional “crutch”. The other issue to which you have alluded is the content of messages. To be realistic, I do believe that your daughter is in a vulnerable and impressionable state of mind. This is why, in my last message, I was keen for you to be aware, as far as possible, of the content of websites to which you might refer her, or to which she has access. But, if at all possible, without jeopardising her trust with you, it would be good for you to have an idea of the content of messages that she is receiving. While recognising limitations at the present, ideally, knowledge of the material to which your daughter has access, would best be achieved as a result of conversation with her, if possible. I agree that the balance between taking the phone away, with the attendant risk of raising anxiety, defiance and possible alienation, has to be assessed against any likely or possible benefit. To some degree, there has to be a level of reliance placed on her already developed personal skills and judgement.
I do believe that “knowledge is power”. I would suggest that you avail yourself of any opportunity to give your daughter(s) accurate, informed and appropriate information about the changes she is (they will) experiencing within her body as a result and indeed because of the process of the arrival and continuation of periods. While schools now teach these topics I would be keen to ensure that the information they have is accurate, medically supported and appropriate. In addition, the information can be personalised when you are involved.
Recently, I made the observation, in a group setting, that women have a beautiful, fantastic, incredible part to play in the continued existence of all humanity. While that part involves difficulties, pain and discomfort, the reality is no less special.
There are some really good Australian and American medical websites from which sound information can be accessed.
Likewise, I feel that my response today may be a bit scattered but I hope it will be useful. Even the opportunity to discuss the issues we deal with “opens windows” and can give another perspective. Some of the things I have said may seem obvious, but sometimes it helps to hear our own ideas reinforced from another point of view.
I am aware that the issues directly in front of us take the majority of our attention. However, you hadn't mentioned the weekend with your friend.
I am sorry that it has taken me so long to write my response to you.
With My Very Best Wishes to
You and Your Family, Susa
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