Communication is hard

[PrinceNaveen]

It wasn't until recently that I was reminded just how difficult it can be working in hospitality and having problems with communicating with others. Serving customers is quite easy and comes naturally for me because I have a script in my head that I follow and know just how to answer any question or concern a customer may have. The questions they ask have been asked before and I've been working at this job for a long time.

The problem I have is communicating with my coworkers and bosses. I never want anyone to feel like I'm a burden on them, so I never ask for help even when the workload piles up. I don't engage in small talk and when I do, I often keep the topic work-related. Out of all the work social events set up, I've only attended a couple and have only kept to myself, willing the time to move faster so I won't be the first one to leave.

It's a dilemma. My boss threatened me with a performance review the other day, frustrated that I couldn't tell him the reason why I'm so quiet and don't talk much. But that is just me. From teacher to teacher back in school, and now from one boss to another, the only feedback they give is that I'm too quiet and don't engage with my peers. Nothing to do with my ability to complete the tasks set for me, just communication.

I've never been officially diagnosed with anything, just therapist after therapist after therapist telling me I might have ASD. I'm too scared to get an official diagnosis, fearing it might hinder my future career path or the ability to travel to certain countries or to simply live my life without being babied. As someone part of more that one marginalised community, I fear the burden of discrimination becoming heavier.

Communication, something I've worked so hard to master, yet I can never satisfy others with the progress I make to become 'one of them'. 

[hanami]

Hi there @PrinceNaveen 

I'm sorry things are tough for you you when it comes to socialising and communicating. As a kid who was super quiet I can relate to being told I don't speak up enough and don't interact enough. I had really bad social anxiety and the more I was told I was quiet, the worse it made me. Nowadays I've certainly changed ( my husband will attest to that ). 

But back to you. I'm wondering if it would help you if you wrote down how you're feeling and took this to your boss. Employers MUST be understanding of different personality types. You are doing a good job and if the only issue is you being reserved then once they are aware that this is just who you are they may be more understanding. 

I hope you make some nice connections here. We have lots of members who will be able to relate to your situation and will hopefully reach out to you.

Warmest wishes

Hanami

[Former-Member]

Hi @PrinceNaveen    @hanami 

I read and am surprised.

One would think your job suits your skills.

As far as social events, l am with you. I say little. Someone always wants to talk about themselves and they do not listen to others anyway.

I think the less you say, the more no one will dispute you.

I attend a church. I told my friend who also says little, when soneone asks how you are, say fine and ask them the same. They often chat forever. They never know others names etc.

So maybe not what you want to hear but there is wisdom in holding your tongue and opinions until you feel safe. Out if maybe 500 l have told about 6 what l go through.

Out of the 6 i should not have told 5. It is hard because everyone has an opinion.

I would hope your boss values you.

I used to work at a place and one worker was so popular. Downsizing he went and they kept me. He talked a lot and would not sweep up or empty bins.

So l hope you are  not reading it wrong. Happy for you to correct me.

I guess you may talk to meanjngful people.

At church l was the one they saud spoke to the people no one else would talk to.

Your text shows you can communicate. Maybe like me, you are reserved and wantvto trust first.

Talkers need listeners. I listen to the often rubbish and they do not really want my input. It may belittle them. 

[ClockFace]

@PrinceNaveen 

Im suprised most employers value workers who come and do their job, not spend 1/2 their shift talking to  others. I cant imagine how you could be written up for it. I do like the idea of expressing how you feel etc around talking to others and socialising with the team if you cant verbalise it. You should only be assessed on your abilities to do your job and thats all.

Im quiet too, I write a lot but I dont like to speak much. At work, when I was in the office I was allowed to wear head phones, so long as I could still hear my phone. The team was pretty understanding and just worked with me. I work from home now so I dont have to worry about comunicating with them. Its weird though, I deal with customers on the phone about their finances, or failing to pay accounts etc so they can be hard conversations and I do really well on my reporting etc. Im a bit like you,  Ive been doing it for years and I know most the answers or can work out pretty easily. Lots of experience. 

Ive got a few MH issues no ASD though. I understand your position on this but I am a big fan of people going to Psychiatrist if there might be an issue. Seeing one doesnt change whats going on, it provides a diagnosis for a situation but doesnt actually cause you to have it. But in lots of cases it can open up lots of doors to improve your life.

[Appleblossom]

@PrinceNaveen Welcome to the forum.

I can relate a lot to your post.

Learning late in life to get more social, finally!

I do not even know  if I was quiet cos I was an introvert or ASD or just everyone else had more to say.

I also relate to @Former-Member ... who posted "Talkers need listeners. I listen to the often rubbish and they do not really want my input."  In the past, I also listened to a lot of rubbish and am kind of pushing back at the moment.  Feeling I have paid listening dues.

Take care all ...

[sol_87]

Hello @PrinceNaveen

I can relate to your post so much! I also work in hospitality (occasionally), and while I feel relatively confident in my position as the cashier being friendly to people, answering their questions and taking their money, when it comes to being social with my workmates, I find that a whole lot harder.

Like you, I just can't quite make myself 'fit' into the culture. And I feel like many of my colleagues dismiss me because of it (and my often awkwardness).

The best piece of advice that I have had recently, is that it is just 'who we are'. Whether it is ASD, or we are introverts (I certainly am), or whether we just have less to say as @Appleblossom suggested, I feel like certain parts of society are not able to accept us as we are.

And we have the same right to participate in society as someone with a physical disability or another diverse characteristic!

I think that @hanami has a good point about composing your thoughts in writing to take to your boss. Perhaps even practice a speech using assertive language:

EVEN FISH NEED CONFIDENCE

E - event - what is the event? - what has caused you to have this discussion? - your boss wants an answer for example or has asked to discuss it with you

F - feelings - explain how you feel - you don't need to labour the point or justify your feelings, just point them out matter of fact - I feel stressed out about the expectation to be talkative

N - need - what do you need from your boss to achieve your goal (maybe you need him to understand that you (like many others) are a bit introverted by nature and just don't talk as much

C - confidence - thank your boss for their support going forward

I think that you need to engage the 'empathy' muscle of your boss and help him to understand that we are all different and that some of us (a great number of us actually, but maybe not so many in hospitality) are quieter than others.

In my situation, I haven't had the courage to tell them that I suffer from schizophrenia, but I am trying to learn to 'own' the fact that I am just quiet a lot of the time, and that is okay. I actually think this is one of the biggest battles. To just accept yourself first. Maybe then others would find it easier to accept you too!

All the best with it. Post a letter or planned speech here if you think that would help you before you chat to your boss!

Cheers,
Sol