Lived Experience Forum

[lotus85]

First time posting on this forum. A brief over view of me... I have always been a doormat. My childhood at home was normal. I tended to make friends with ppl I thought were friends, but they always had a better friend that would talk sh1t about me and I would get back stabbed, then crawl back to them over and over again. In high school I was the kid that wagged and did things I shouldn't. I got with my husband at 19, fell pregnant then I was trapped. He became (or always was, I dunno) a junkie. I had to live with everything that came with that. Lying, stealing, struggling to feed my kids once he was born because he said he wasn't getting paid from centrelink for over a yr and spent it on drugs instead (and I just copped it) not coming home til God knows when or when he was home he would wake me up in the middle of the night to argue relentlessly. I was subject to a home invasion and watching ppl come in my home to kick the sh1t outa him. Now that was yrs ago and a he has been off it for a long time now. But he is at his core the same person. It's all about him, how he is hard done by. What I can do to make him happy, how I shouldn't want to go out with friends and I like them more than him if I do go out (which is rare). Now again, this is an improvement. I never used to be allowed at all. Now I just don't see the point in doing anything for me coz I get made to feel like crap about it. I feel like I have been conditioned to hate myself. Because I do, I hate myself. I don't lay all the blame on him. I put myself in that relationship and allowed myself to be treated that way. So that's on me. But lately I have been struggling with life. No reason, things r 100x better than a vast majority of my adult life and I should be content now. I have 3 healthy kids, we have a house, both have jobs. Isn't that the dream? But I hate it here. I guess now that there is no drama like in the past, and the kids r older not needing me, youngest is 11, now I have time to sit and dwell on my life, past and present. I was diagnosed with depression after my 2nd was born, over 15yrs ago. Been on meds since. Sometimes I get in my head and go off them, sometimes I go back on them. Last 12 months I have changed meds a few times coz I am sick of being told how cold hearted and neglectful I am, where most ADs mess with sex drive. ADs and depression when im off them both seem to make me not want sex. So I have been messing with diff meds to try and stop the fight and fix it. Last 3 months I have been in a black hole bigger than I've ever been in. Everything is hopeless and a waste of time. As am I. I hate feeling like this, I hate hating my life. I have started doing some online course through mindspot but it's just info. I have read info on depression for 15yrs. Logically I know what to do, but I can't actually do it, if that makes sense. I am short tempered and miserable to be around. I don't even know what I'm asking. But I hate my seemingly perfect life and I hate who I am. I want to see it all differently, but can I? Can u see a person differently when u have seen their everything, which has destroyed u over the yrs? I just don't know how.

[amber22]

Hey @lotus85 

I'm sorry that you've experienced all of this, I just wanted to pop in here and let you know that you're not alone and that I'm really glad that you've reached out to us here on the SANE Forums. 

Do you currently have any supports around you that you could lean on? Do you currently speak to anyone about how you're feeling? 🙂 

Amber22

[lotus85]

I dump all my stuff on the girls at work, but I've been in this hole for over 2 months now and despite them being great I can't keep doing it. It doesn't matter if I talk to them, it doesn't actual help. Sometimes I wonder if I should go on my old meds so I can be numb again. Happiness isn't something I'm meant for and I guess that's fine but I am so done with feeling worthless and all the rest. I SHOULD be fine. I SHOULD be content. But the only thing I want to do is lay in bed and watch TV. My poor kids get very little of me. They have what they need physically but it's like I'm not there unless I'm eating dinner with them. I feel sorry for them having me as a mother, I wish I could go back in time but that's not not real. I don't want or need anything, I exist to try and look after my family, even if it is the bare minimum. These meds clearly don't work. Nothing does

[fluffylight]

Hi @lotus85 

I'm new around here, I'm one of the Peer Workers 🙂

I resonate with what you're saying.. I sometimes feel like nothing works and I spend time in bed and binge on the Office all day long. 

You seem like you've gone through so much in your life and you keep trying to get through everyday. I admire you for that. 

This forum and community is here to support you. How does support look like for you? What could get you smiling again?

SANE also offers support through:

Counsellors- Counselling service supports people affected by complex mental health issues, complex trauma and high levels of psychological distress.

Peer Support Workers- Peer Support Workers have lived experience with mental health and other life challenges and can share their experiences of their recovery journey to provide support and promote values of hope, inclusion, connection, respect, empathy and autonomy. 

You are more than welcome to reach out to our Support Centre on 1800 18 72 63, Mon - Fri, 10 am – 10 pm AEST You also have the option to reach out via our texted base chat service. All of our services are free.

Sending lots of light x

From,

Fluffy light 

[lotus85]

what would make me smile again??? Besides getting drunk out with the girls from work (very rare) the only things I remember making me smile was my kids little things they did when they were little. Otherwise I don't know what that looks like. I wouldn't even know where to look. As for support... I have the girls at work to vent to. I have never been family oriented, mum wasn't, dad wasn't, we never had extended family dinners or whatever it is that ppl do. I tried at Xmas and half of the ppl I invited weren't interested. I only had a couple of hubby's fam here (and his fam is not close with him either). Seems like an insane amount of effort for no result, so wats the point. Plus mum and my brother live 4hrs away so I never see them. I envy the ppl with close connections, fam and friends. Not just work friends. Ppls that do things on wkends, ppl that enjoy doing things. But it's not me. I'm not even sure y I am writing here. 

[Jynx]

Hey @lotus85 can really hear how much you're feeling this intense isolation and how it is impacting you. It sounds like you are feeling disconnected from yourself and what makes you feel good. Do you have any hobbies or interests you could get stuck into? It can be a really great way to make new connections 😊

Do you have any professional mental health support? Sounds like with everything you're feeling right now, having a safe space to get some ongoing support could go a really long way - to help you figure out what you want from life, or how to make changes in a positive direction, stuff like that. 

I'm glad you're still here, sharing with us about how you feel. Sometimes even just getting stuff off our chest can be helpful 💜

[lotus85]

I've never been a hobby person. I don't know wat I would do, besides watch tv. I like that, but I know too Much laying around isn't helping me. I spoke to a therapist once over the phone, it was awkward, didn't like it. I am doing this mindspot course but doubt it will help. Logically, I know I need to get over my shit, be nicer to myself, do thing I find fun (but there isn't anything) walk the dog... but I can't bring myself to do any of it. I make myself go to work everyday, I make myself feed my fam, do groceries and washing and whatever... after that I am tapped. It's almost more than I have in the tank to do the basics. How am I spose to find this imaginary motivation to do these imaginary fun things. Seems out of reach ya know... and I whinge and bitch about how shit I feel, and do nothing to help it. I have no right to complain if I'm gunna let myself suffer in it.

I dunno. I just wish I had motivation to do things. I wish I saw things differently. I wish I was stronger. I'm like a chihuahua, I can be mouthy and look like I would be a strong, stand up for myself person... but I'm not. I'm a doormat whose sole purpose is to serve others. Always has been. But everytime I do something for someone else against what I want... it takes another piece of my soul. Hopefully soon there will be so little left it won't hurt anymore. I'll be empty, if only. Emptiness sounds like a dream.

[lotus85]

I know I'm emotionally shut-down, I know I'm distant and I know I make little effort in our relationship besides agreeing to sex  even when I don't wanna be there. How do I not be that person. How do I be normal, how do ii make my relationship work. I don't know how. I don't know what ppl do in healthy relationships. I like to sit in my room and watch tv. He sits in the shed and watches his shows. What am I spose to do to make him happy. He says make an effort, he says stop living in the past. But how. My brain plays things, I over anticipate any reactions that may occur if I saying anything. I just don't know how to exist they way he wants me to be. 

[tyme]

Sorry to hear @lotus85 . It does sound tough. Have you ever spoken to a relationships counsellor etc?

You don’t have to go through this alone. 

I hear you and am sitting with you.

[lotus85]

No relationship counsellor. That costs more money, and I would feel weird.

I don't know if the past has taught me to be and feel a certain way, and despite the changes he has made (still has narsostic traits, but not as bad) I am still in the same sense of being. I don't know how to be.