Hey everyone,
I haven't written on here for a while. I found out it was Schizophrenia Awareness Week and I thought I would come back to the forums for a visit. I have been on and off here since 2016.
Recently, I had a brief reactive psychosis. It was strange and scary. There were a lot of life stressors and I began to think my boss could read my thoughts.
Not again!
It is something I keep trying to wish away, hope I grow out of it, "the medication fixed it" kind of thinking. Those definite thoughts. It's gone now. That must mean forever! Well, not in my case.
Ok, so I accept I have psychosis. Fine. But the aftermath of it, is almost as bad as the delusions! Because I can see it in hindsight, I want to remove myself from it and everything around it, completely. I see the fearful fallacies my brain came up with, and I need to do something to change my whole life immediately, so that I can define myself as NOT the delusions. I wanted to sell my house and go camping forever. I wanted to quit my job because I didn't want to be anywhere near where I had the delusions, near the people who MUST know and think I am a whack-job!
Lucky I am compliant with my treatment and I go and see the psychiatrist and psychologist and take my meds. They told me not to go camping forever. Friends did too, maybe not as therapists, just when I told them the idea. Enough to make me stay where I am.
I must say, I am so glad I listened to everyone. There is beauty in being settled and living in a house (no matter how crappy) that I pay the mortgage on. And the people at work who might have seen me go quiet and a bit weird for a few weeks, definitely did not know I was thinking they were reading my mind and giving me secret messages.
So here I am on Schizophrenia Awareness Week with a safe space to write and share about a fresh psychosis, and be grateful for all the things I DO have. I find it helpful to use this perspective. As well as taking my meds and always keeping appointments with the psychiatrist. Another thing that helps is trying to see how strong I am. It is such a hard, hard illness to live with, and the stigma doesn't help. I want to crawl up and cry (and I do sometimes) but I always get out of that and realise I have way too much to do! One day I'm going to write a memoir about this illness, I'm going to be an advocate for others and I'm going to be able to talk about it openly with my employer and colleagues.
I believe this can happen. One hundred per cent.
That's what helps me get up in the morning and stops me from crying all the time.
As well as writing, dancing, expressing myself, dreaming.
Take care everyone and happy Schizophrenia Awareness Week!
Rosie
