Sharing thoughts on a relationship topic.

[Powderfinger]

@Zoe7 

Apologies for taking a bit to respond. Yeah, I am with you. Work/life balance is an issue for most people. Often the balance isn't good. I know mine needs working on as well. I do not have fun or joy in my life and I work too much. I know I need to change it. 

This is in respone to your post on Sunday. I realised today that my long term struggles from all my life and still currently is that I have always had a soft, compassionate and understanding heart. Believe me I have tried to harden those aspects of me. I tried to harden them for many reasons. Protection of my heart, protecing myself from getting hurt terribly, realising that not many people are going to care for those parts of me in their life and will do nothing to show they care for my heart, trying not to give compassion, care and love to others who don't deserve it from me, and will continue to exploit it. I feel bad in myself when I have to turn hard towards people. It is one of the hardest things to do and at the same time I have to deal with the immense hurt that is in my heart. 

I know that realising this is good, because it means I can try alter things. The issue is I truly do not know how at this stage. 

As for the relationship, I am reluctant to re-enter into it. I am not going to jump back in. I do not want to. Yes, I ahve beautiful memories of how we were and the times we had together. It does not cancel out the significant hurt and damage. I also will no re-enter a relationship with someone who is not showing me that they are taking any action to have a better/healthier relationship with me, that does the same things that caused damage and hurt and takes no action that is authentic to show they want me in their life because they actually see me for the beautiful person I am and the gift they have in being in a relationship with me, that actually wants to commit to a relationship and not just have it their way all of the time. 

So, the answer is no. I cannot and will not be re-entering into a relationship. As for her being "the one" I will not touch on that for the moment. I have so much going on. Reality is hard to face, but reality you only have to face once. the build up of lies, many times over. The connection and bond we had is broken. She knows this. I also cannot be in a relationship with anyone who emotionally disconnects and abandons me and the relationship. I am fully aware that I need to manage my own emotions. No one is responsible for that. However, emotional abandonment and neglect in a relationship is extremely toxic, unhealthy and damaging. Its unnacceptable to me and I will not be in a relationship like that again. I had my mother do that to me my whole life and it was extremely damaging to me. 

As for loneliness and being alone. In the context of a romantic relationship, feeling alone in a relationship. in the way that you actaully feel you do not have your partner you can talk to and connect with is never something I wanted. Loneliness is something I am still questioning. I have always felt lonely in life and alone. Not just because my relationship ended, but absolutely yes, I felt lonely and alone in my relationship. It's another area of life I am questioning. We still live in the same house, but we have our own seperate lives. I know it will be much better to move as being in the same space can be really hard on most days. I havnt been able to do it yet. Nobody knows the real difficulties I am having in moving out. I am stuck, I am tired and I am having health/life challenges. I cannot do it all. 

I know within myself, that it will never go back to how it was between us. Its very sad. Yes, I am grieving, yes I am angry, yes I am hurt, yes trust has not been rebuilt, yes, I want to be loved like we all do. In saying that I am aware that jumping back into anything right now is simply just not going to happen. 

I am sorry that your childhood was like mine. I know different set of things happening, different experiences, different parents and such. Abuse is abuse and I think there is common understanding around that between people who had that childhood when it continued on into adulthood. Mine continued on into adulthood too. 

I look forward to hearing nack from you, only when you are able to. There is no hurry. 

Powderfinger

Regarding grieving. 

[Zoe7]

It must make it incredibly difficult to function every day whilst still living in the same house @Powderfinger Those feelings of hurt and abandonment would pervade every minute knowing the cause of so much hurt is in the same house. That is a really tough position to remain in 

We can so often lose part of ourselves when we are in this position but finding those parts of you again and loving you for you is so important. It is so much harder to do that when you have had multiple trauma and then a relationship that you have given everything to and it has fallen apart because the other person is abusive in so many ways. ...but that does not change who you are at the core and finding that again will give you strength and control back of your own life. That may not happen until you are free of the constraints in which you are living presently - a space of your own away from the present cause of so much pain. I don't know if that is possible as I do not know financially or contractually if that is possible for you but in my experience living in such a toxic environment and being faced with the person who has caused so much pain for you is not a healthy place to be,

As for being alone and loneliness - there is a distinction between the two for me. I am alone but I do not feel that loneliness. I can however feel that in a crowded room ...even with people I know. I can 'work a room', engage with others openly and be 'the life of the party' but underneath all I really want is to be on my own. That is no doubt a consequence of many years of abuse, hurt and betrayal also from my end but I do prefer being on my own - it is my choice and one that I am more than happy to make. Part of that is also protecting myself - just as you are doing - but part of it is also a very real mistrust of people - and that is important for me to acknowledge as well as protect myself. My pdoc and psych would like me toget out and do things more but I really do not want to. I know that human connection, having friends, doing things with others is human nature but it is alsonot the only way we can live our lives ...and that isthe important point here - weneed toliveour own lives in whateverway we both feelcomfortable and makes us happiest. So for me being alone does not equate to loneliness it actually makes me happiest.

As for you - you deserve to be loved and for that big heart of yours to be what it is - and in the right relationship, with the right person, they will both see and encourage that side of you. Being true to yourself, bringing all that love to the right person will not only make you happy but the other person too. Authenticity is a powerful force and Itruly hope that you can one day find that person that both sees you and loves you for who you are -you deserve nothing less 

[Powderfinger]

It is very hard @Zoe7 If it was all so simple I would have moved out by now. There are many reasons why I haven't. I have had some health issues come up and the doctor has told me I need rest. 

I'm very tired, physically, mentally and tired of life. 36 years of absolute hell has taken its toll on me and my body. My brain is still repairing itself and I cannot rush that. I'm trying to learn new things as well. I'm.in a deep.depressive episode. I'm also trying to work out how to make my life better. I want to get into a slightly better financial position. Then there is the house. I found this house and fell in love with it. I'm still in love with it. I don't want to leave it behind. 

I think this house means more to me than it does to her. So, yes there are a lot if things at play. I wish it could be more straightforward but it isn't. So, I just have to deal with it as best I can. 

The distance is there. I do my own thing. The only time I mention something I'm doing us if someone is coming to the house. That's the only real time. Otherwise, I do my own thing. It is still hard though cause ultimately yes, I'm grieving a relationship that died and parts of me died a long with it. 

Everyday now though, I'm spending time getting to know myself again. Reflecting and being honest with myself. It's hard work. I have a worksheet and I spend time in there doing my woodwork. I sleep when I need to sleep. I've taken extended time off until the 16th January. I work for myself, so will see where to from there. I have wanted to go for walks but with the over 40 degree heat it hasn't been possible. I love walking, it helps me. 

Deep.insude of me I feel unimaginable pain. I guess pain is a teacher too. Not a great teacher, not fun, not pleasant, but a teacher nonetheless. I'm struggling to see the person I was with and also to come to terms with her being abusive. As I said my head is not in a good way at all. 

The counsellor I've been seeing named it as three different types of abuse. Psychological, emotional and verbal. It's really hard to take in when a split is so incredibly fresh, you love with the person and everything is just spinning. I'm not questioning the abuse side of things, I'm questioning if this is really her deep down or if this is because she needs to do a heck of a lot of work on herself. She has admitted to me that it is abuse. Abusers don't really admit that to anyone. We always do ask why. 

I have not cast that aside fully. I'm sad. I'm creating my own life without her and she knows this. Who knows how all of this will go? I'm not feeling remotely good tonight, so not in the best frame of mind. 

To add it has just been over one year since I cut all contact with the remaining family I had. Mother and one sister. In that process I lost my niece who I adored and loved tremendously. So more loss and more grief. My 2020 was a write off in many ways, my relationship at the start helped me sustain myself through difficult times, until it all just started to crumble slowly. 

The loneliness I speak of is doing everything alone. I can't do it and I do. It needs to change. I don't want to do everything alone. It was another reason why I valued my relationship so much. I no longer had to do life alone. It may not mean anything to other people, but when you did it alone from a young age it does mean a lot. I shouldn't have been doing it alone. I have not forgiven my parents for the abuse, betrayals and neglect. I'm.away from them now so no more harm can be done to me. In many ways I've said my goodbyes over time. 

I am an introvert. I need my me time by myself, but lately I've learnt the necessity of healthy people in my life. I don't need a lot. Between 2-3 is more than enough for me. I'm a one on one kind of person. I don't do parties or big get togethers. I've realised keeping to myself too much is not good for me and I need to balance that out more. 

I do not drink, nor do drugs so a lot of social situations are just not my thing like they once were. I'm not only grieving the loss of the relationship I was in, I'm seeing what it was like for me throughout my life and the absolute hell it all was. As an empath and highly sensitive person, feeling all that is enough to just sometimes not want to keep going. 

All I can say is if you are happy then that is all that matters. I don't believe in cookie cutter moulds that people have. People love moulds. I don't like people who like moulds. I give up already after one meeting as it usually doesn't change if they think it is the only way. 

I had a dream for a very long time to one day be happily married. I held onto this dream for so very long. This year, I let go of this dream. I didn't want to hold onto it anymore. I threw it away. Got tired of it. My imagination gets me into trouble at times. I would have made a good wife. As I said I let the dream go. If a long held dream no longer provides you with any real happiness or joy anymore and it's a dream that's being killed over and over again until you just don't feel anything anymore, it's time to let it go. 

Naturally, I do not think of any relationship nor love at this point. Not now. I may never again and I actually feel fine with it. Being with someone truly is not everything. There are other paths to fulfilment and happiness. 

The one thing I can agree on with you though, is I deserve much much better. 

[Zoe7]

Hey @Powderfinger I have read your post and will come back later when I have more time to reply. Just wanted to acknowledge your post and say thank you for being so open and honest here. 

[Powderfinger]

Hi @Zoe7 

Thanks for acknowledging my post,openess and honesty. I understand. When you are ready, no rush.

[Zoe7]

I completely understand your love for the house @Powderfinger I am the same. My house came up by chance. I was renting and looking for a house to buy - not seriously but went to a few open homes to see what was around. I was coming home one day from one ofthose open homes and saw the sign on this house (which was just around the corner from where I lived). I came inside and within 10 minutes had put in an offer. My first offer was not accepted but my second one was - so I had myself my dream home. It still needs a lot done to it but I really enjoy the renovating so it keeps me busy. It is also perfect for my fur babies with a fully closed backyard.

I do so much know that grief. The end of any relationship is incredibly hard especially when we know we have had to change/adapt/lose part of ourselves along the way. Finding those parts of ourselves again is not as simple as turning a switch - it takes time. Mistrust, hurt and abuse certainly stall that too. We feel like we cannot even trust ourselves and question everything that we have thought of ourselves - but that is often because we have been broken down and left to feel like we are nothing along the way. Learning to trust in ourselves, what we value, what we believe and finding our own self worth again is a hard road - especially when we have had a lifetime of that abuse and mistrust. I too am still on that road and it is a rocky and windy one but little by little getting there. I do not feel like I will ever fully trust in others again but I am also learning to let others in (slowly and in small amounts) and also let others support me sometimes. A major contributing factor has been the support I have had from on here and my team around me over the last 4 years - knowing I could not do it al myself as I simply would not survive lead me to having to receive that support - and along the way it not only got easier but I also began asking for it when I needed it the most. That was a major life change for me - and althoughit was very difficultm it has really helped me to begin to find that light at the end of the tunnel and begin to make positive steps to move towards it.

There are many types of abusers - and some can admit they are being or have been abusive but then continue that behaviour regardless. It is not enough to admit to the abuse - they also need to acknowledge that there is something within themselves that needs to change and take steps to make those changes. In my experience, they can be apologetic then loving, attentive and caring for a time then suddenly they can turn again. It is a pattern a abuse that for me continued for years (along with other forms of abuse) and every time I hoped it would change - but it never did. I know I was kidding myself but when you are so involved with someone and fear is one of the things that hold you in that relationship it is very hard to break free. Part of that is also a need to be loved - especially when things in our childhood have not held that for us. 

I would also say - do not let go of your dream. Right now the world seems really small and massive at the same time - but having those dreasms to hold onto are important. You are presently in the midst of depression, grief and questioning everything you have always know - that is no place to make decisions but also no place to let go of your dreams - they can sustain us through the darker times no matter how small or big they are. This relationship may not have worked out - and yes it has probably set you back a long way - but we also never know what the future holds and it seems to me that you have a hell of a lotto give to someone and they would be so deserving of having you in their lives.

[Powderfinger]

@Zoe7 

After this post and your response, I need to take a break. I do want to come back to it though. 

I'm having a very bad day today mentally and the pain is just too overwhelming. Also my head is still far from right. I'm hoping to buy my own place in the next two years. 

Renovating a house is not too bad either. Lots of work, but it's rare these days I think for anyone to buy something they don't renovate. I've never owned a house in my life. Late bloomer for everything pretty much. I'm happy for you that you found your dream home. 

You said: We feel like we cannot even trust ourselves and question everything that we have thought of ourselves - but that is often because we have been broken down and left to feel like we are nothing along the way.

I can relate to this regarding my recent relationship. I feel like this. I'm also still extremely confused about many things. I have flashbacks to the good times, to the way she could make me feel so incredibly loved, to my happiness I felt in being around her. Sometimes they just won't stop. I do cry when they are happening and I hurt deeply for the loss of that. In those moments I want to go beg her to please change. I don't though. I don't because I remember the times where I would be sobbing, begging her to talk to me after days of her stonewalling. And I think no, I'm not going through that anymore. It's probably one of the reasons I do not like crying in front of her at all now. I'm really not coping today so my response isn't as good as what I would do usually. I feel very sick and drained. 

Reading about your journey through to where you are at now, I see the hard work it takes and how long it can take too. It's far from easy. That cycle I am aware of, I was aware of it before this relationship. I lived in this cycle in this relationship. I'm out of it now. I will not go back. The thing is any abuse or violence makes me get physically ill now. I want to sleep all the time, I get headaches and I get nausea. I'm not sure why that is, I never used to. It's only been in the last two years. 

I think it's normal to want to be loved, but in the context of abuse/toxicity some people just take a long time to leave the relationship. I had a conversation with her today. I said to her, I no longer think you are in love with me. I also do not think we are suited as people to be in a relationship with each other. We want different things. I.said I've shown fairness, understanding and patience with you when you've said you need more time to think. I said you are getting your needs met and once again I am not. I.am suffering and I actually just want to focus on me and my needs. She said she had absolutely nothing to say. I said as per usual. I got up.walkef away and said I have nothing further to say either. I just said next conversation will be sorting out the house, you need to let me move and you need to move on. This isn't healthy for either of us. All she said was I'm not stopping you from moving on. I ignored it and walked out. That was the last thing that was said. 

It's not good for me seeing her every day. It's clear that it's finished. She did say a while back if I leave she is going to leave too as she won't be able to afford the rent on her own. I won't be able to either but I'm thinking I can get a housemate in. Then it will be fine. 

That's the next step I'm.not strong enough or mentally equipped to have at the moment but it's getting to that point because it's toouvh having her around. Especially when I'm vulnerable, hurting. and confused. 

Regarding my dream I let go of. I didn't let go because I've been hurt too much. I let go because the person that kept that dream going for a long time is not the same person as back then. We grow, we change, we decide we want different things. Maybe in years to come it will be re ignited bit for now I really am letting it go. I'd rather be single. Life is easier when you are. I need to learn to love myself. I do not know what that even is or how to. I need to learn and I need to learn without being in a relationship. I need to be alone in all this upheaval. I don't need anyone around who complicated my life, hurts me, brings me down, who is toxic, who is unhealthy and who just can't make up their minds about treating me like shit one day and treating me well the next. I've done a year of it and it broke me again. My self worth and self esteem is lower than a body six foot underground. 

I also hear you about trust. I totally get it. Trust is a difficult and tricky one. I doubt I will ever fully trust again myself. This last half of 2020 I have changed a bit and socialised a tiny bit more. Opened up a bit more. I'm discovering the world is not as scary as I thought it was. Basically I want to live my life on my terms now. I've given so much of me for an extremely long time. I'm not married, zi do not have children and maybe it's just time to create a single life that I am happy in without the need of love from another person. Being single is not do bad either. 

[Zoe7]

Sometimes @Powderfinger we need to learn to live with ourselves before we can live with anyone else and sometimes living with ourselves is the path we need to take to find that better future for ourselves. There certainly is no right or wrong answer to that - some are happier around others and find themselves that way but I personally believe that we find out more about ourselves when we are alone ...we gain a deeper understanding of who we are and what we want by spending quality time with ourselves and in that way we can then begin spending time with others unencumbered by the constraints of our own minds.

Despite you saying you are extremely confused by many things I find what you are writing and what you are therefore thinking has clarity. You do seem to know what you want and have a clear path to move forward - it is just the process you have to go through to get there that is still ambiguous ...but you do know you and you do know what you want so that is half the battle.

The conversation you had with her today seems to have further clarified for you that it is over and you do deserve better. So I very much hope for your sake that she does move out soon. It can'tbe easy for her either living in this situation so I do hope she reflects on her circumstances and decides to move on. You can then spend a little time on your own and get a housemate in to help cover the costs.

Whatever the path forward in the interim - look after yourself - both emotionally and physically because one feeds off the other. You have a hell of a lot to give but looking after yourself at present is the priority.

[Powderfinger]

@Zoe7 

I have read your response. I want to respond and will. I just need some time to breathe and sort out some of the middle in my head. I'm also tired all the time and sleep is not fixing it. 

Speak soon. 

Powderfinger. 

[Powderfinger]

@Zoe7 

You are possibly in a much better place than myself. I may speak with clarity and seem like I know what I want and need stones, but you are only getting a very small snapshot of my life. 

Perhaps you can recall the days when your self esteem/self worth was incredibly low, the times the depression was thick. You are being heard. 

I have to wipe any concern for how tough it must be for her in thus situation. It keeps me stuck. She is an adult and bangs in all the time about how I did not let her make her own choices. It's not true, I actually did. I never chose anything for her. Always said it's completely up to you though. 

I slept in my worksheet tonight. I didn't want to be in the house or around her at all. I can see clearly how I am manipulated. I'm made to feel ashamed for my mental illness. I'm not good enough. Nothing I did was good enough. I couldn't even stand up for myself last night. I couldn't fight back. She either likes doing this or doesn't care for the good stuff. She likes to pull me down. 

I was always there for her, loyal and faithful. I believed that you stood by your partner not only through the bad times but the good times. This relationship is a dead end. I find myself wanting to stand up for myself even through writing here. I am not going to though. I had to prove I was worthy of being loved as a child, young adult and adult. I didn't know I didn't need to do that but no one told me any different. I didn't leave these toxic abusive people behind to continue proving myself. 

I do believe my therapist now. She did say she can see three types of abuse here. Psychological, emotional and verbal. She is correct on all three. I trust my therapist. The thing is Zoe I never was going to be enough for her. I never will be. I do not want to be in a relationship with her. I want her to go. I do not want to get back together. 

I did give a lot to her and my relationship. A heck of a lot. I'm tired if being put down, kicked when I'm down, being told constant bad things about myself, being told she never got to make any if her own decisions, being told I'm controlling, being told how unsatisfied she was, yet having a huge written lost saying the complete opposite of some of those things. 

It doesn't matter than when her diagnosis was all happening and I was struggling immensely myself, that I was a tower of strength and support to her. I took the load in if what I knew would be too much extra for her do she could have the time and less stress so she could cope with the diagnosis. She had my support. I was trying to earn more money so that we would be OK financially. 

The point is, it wasn't that So was doing wrong it was that she constantly manipulated and changed her mind what she wanted. I would then re adapt. I never would have done anything right Zoe. 

If I'm indeed so controlling I said it's no type of relationship to be in and it's no life. That's it. I will talk to my therapist about these things. I'm very confused if I'm a controlling person or not. 

My mental illness now is apparently a problem too. Apparently there's no room for her problems. Last night I just got tired. Hearing all of this just solidified in me that so no longer feel anything for her. It's a complete deaf end relationship and has been for quite some time. I'm not interested in working anything out. It's come to the stage where moving needs to happen soon. I think I'm going to move out if the house into my work shed. I need space from her. There's nothing further to discuss. I find myself not wanting to be around her at all. So, when I'm able to manage. Next step is moving out and getting more support with me moving out. 

The main thing is  I'm starting to see yes it's abuse and yes she will not change. I'm over her and the relationship. The damage is beyond irreparable. I'll never survive being in a relationship with her toxix, abusive and manipulative behaviour. Mental illness or not, it's in acceptable. I need to stay away from her and protect myself. I'm hurt and fell like trash.