Morning all,
My tummy is in knots this morning because I have inadvertently (or partially) disclosed my diagnosis (schizophrenia) to some of my most important friends.
Last night I went to see the most amazing play. It told the story of a schizophrenic woman. Here is the first paragraph of the synopsis.
'Based on a true story, Beautiful Highness centres around one family’s incredible grit and determination in dealing with mental ill-health. Unsentimental, heartwarming and gently humorous, the play crystallises just how important a sense of belonging and connection is for all of us. It is an empathy recharge for those living with or supporting someone with a diagnosis; family members, carers and practitioners.'
It really was an amazing play and I feel richer for having seen it.
There is just one problem. I went with a meetup group hosted by one of my best friends, to whom I have never disclosed my diagnosis. This friend is a hyper-connector and has paved the way for the development of most of my friendships in Melbourne. And I have considered disclosing in the past, but I have felt that I did not fully trust this friend (due to some of her treatment of others with mental health diagnoses, and her general capacity to be vindictive and cruel sometimes).
It was probably a really dumb idea to put my hand up to attend this meetup in these circumstances. And at the interval of the play, when everyone was discussing the plight of the woman who had the diagnosis in the play, I did think to myself that 'this could get really awkward' if I ever disclose it. (After hearing her thoughts about the illness beforehand).
The worst thing though, was the fact that the play was exceptionally moving to me, and by the end of the play, tears were streaming down my face. I think it was a release of so much pent-up shame and stigma about my diagnosis, and the empathy provided by this drama just opened up the floodgates.
As soon as the play finished, I felt that I was in a tricky situation because she and all the other people in the group would see that I had been crying and potentially think something was up, so I jumped out of my seat and charged out of the theatre. I was the second person to leave. And I saw my friend notice that I left so swiftly.
I rushed to the bathroom to wash my face, but I still felt teary. And when I left the bathroom when I couldn't see any of the people from the meetup (some of the people from my friend's choir were there, but I didn't know them well, so didn't feel like I needed to stop), I exited the building and made my way out into the world to come home.
I texted my friend and said sorry for leaving early without mentioning why, and she texted back to say that she had noticed I had left, hoped I was okay and thought the play was intense but wonderful.
Now, I have a knot in my stomach, because my behaviour actually drew unwanted attention to myself, (by being so quick to leave), and I feel like there is no other course of action but to call my friend and disclose my diagnosis today.
It sucks so bad. I have kept this a secret for more than eight years. And now I am behind the 8 ball, feeling obliged to disclose because I made a scene, and if I don't disclose now then things could get even more uncomfortable later.
The people in my life who do know about my diagnosis are closer friends because of it. I really feel like I can be myself with these people. So there can be some positives to sharing my diagnosis. I have just always just felt like I didn't trust this particular friend with the information. But now I feel like I have to.
And my psychologist always wanted me to disclose. To her and others.
I just feel anxious and crappy. It really affected the positive effects of the play!
Thanks in advance for your thoughts.
