Lived Experience Forum

[sol_87]

Morning all,

My tummy is in knots this morning because I have inadvertently (or partially) disclosed my diagnosis (schizophrenia) to some of my most important friends. 

Last night I went to see the most amazing play. It told the story of a schizophrenic woman. Here is the first paragraph of the synopsis. 

'Based on a true story, Beautiful Highness centres around one family’s incredible grit and determination in dealing with mental ill-health. Unsentimental, heartwarming and gently humorous, the play crystallises just how important a sense of belonging and connection is for all of us. It is an empathy recharge for those living with or supporting someone with a diagnosis; family members, carers and practitioners.'

It really was an amazing play and I feel richer for having seen it. 

There is just one problem. I went with a meetup group hosted by one of my best friends, to whom I have never disclosed my diagnosis. This friend is a hyper-connector and has paved the way for the development of most of my friendships in Melbourne. And I have considered disclosing in the past, but I have felt that I did not fully trust this friend (due to some of her treatment of others with mental health diagnoses, and her general capacity to be vindictive and cruel sometimes). 

It was probably a really dumb idea to put my hand up to attend this meetup in these circumstances. And at the interval of the play, when everyone was discussing the plight of the woman who had the diagnosis in the play, I did think to myself that 'this could get really awkward' if I ever disclose it. (After hearing her thoughts about the illness beforehand).

The worst thing though, was the fact that the play was exceptionally moving to me, and by the end of the play, tears were streaming down my face. I think it was a release of so much pent-up shame and stigma about my diagnosis, and the empathy provided by this drama just opened up the floodgates. 

As soon as the play finished, I felt that I was in a tricky situation because she and all the other people in the group would see that I had been crying and potentially think something was up, so I jumped out of my seat and charged out of the theatre. I was the second person to leave. And I saw my friend notice that I left so swiftly.

I rushed to the bathroom to wash my face, but I still felt teary. And when I left the bathroom when I couldn't see any of the people from the meetup (some of the people from my friend's choir were there, but I didn't know them well, so didn't feel like I needed to stop), I exited the building and made my way out into the world to come home.

I texted my friend and said sorry for leaving early without mentioning why, and she texted back to say that she had noticed I had left, hoped I was okay and thought the play was intense but wonderful. 

Now, I have a knot in my stomach, because my behaviour actually drew unwanted attention to myself, (by being so quick to leave), and I feel like there is no other course of action but to call my friend and disclose my diagnosis today.

It sucks so bad. I have kept this a secret for more than eight years. And now I am behind the 8 ball, feeling obliged to disclose because I made a scene, and if I don't disclose now then things could get even more uncomfortable later.

The people in my life who do know about my diagnosis are closer friends because of it. I really feel like I can be myself with these people. So there can be some positives to sharing my diagnosis. I have just always just felt like I didn't trust this particular friend with the information. But now I feel like I have to.

And my psychologist always wanted me to disclose. To her and others. 

I just feel anxious and crappy. It really affected the positive effects of the play!

Thanks in advance for your thoughts.

[Dimity]

It's your call @sol_87 but as far as your friend is concerned there could have been any one of a myriad reasons for exiting promptly - including needing a trip to the bathroom. If you're not confident and comfortable disclosing, don't  - this one meetup doesn't compel it  Your friend may eventually learn of your diagnosis some other indirect way and if so I hope they prove to be an ally.

.

[Paperdaisy]

Hey @sol_87 That sounds hard for you. At the end of the day, it's your diagnosis to disclose or not disclose and it's not really anyone else's business. I don't believe that person should think any differently of you and if they did, would they really be a friend? I also don't think that being moved by a play 'outs' you, humans have a range of emotions for all different reasons and you shouldn't have to explain your feelings to others. It's really up to you how you move forward with this but you deserve to be accepted and supported by people who call themselves your friend. 

P.S. I saw 'tell me I'm here' Anne Deveson's story about her Son's battle with Schizophrenia and balled my eyes out at the end (I don't share her life experiences).

Take care 💝

[sol_87]

Thanks so much, @Dimity and @Paperdaisy

I really appreciate your support. And you are both right, there is a myriad of reasons why I might have had to leave early, or indeed why the play moved me so much.

It is so heartening to hear that I deserve to be accepted and supported by someone who calls themselves my friend (or that they could be an ally). I think I forget that sometimes. And think that I need to perform in a certain way or do certain things to deserve friendship. This particular friend has definitely made me feel like that in the past. She is either displeased with me or pleased with me depending on certain things I do. I can't really say that I feel 'accepted' or 'supported' by her even now.

And then there was the nasty incident with a friend of ours. My friend disclosed our friend's diagnosis to me without our friend's permission and then chucked her out of our friendship group for minor transgressions arising from her mental illness. I was horrified. And to be honest from that moment on felt like I really couldn't trust her (I had already thought this earlier). However, recently she has expressed regret for what she did to this friend.

It is all academic at this point anyway. I feel too blue today to reach out and disclose my diagnosis. Even though the play was beautiful and empathetic, it really did touch a nerve, and I still feel teary about it.

Thanks again for your thoughts. Your words have really clarified things for me.

Sol xx

PS. I heard about Anne Deveson's story. Was that at the Belvoir? (In Sydney?) I wanted to fly to Sydney to see it, but it felt like a bit of an extravagance, and I didn't do it in the end. Sounds like a wonderful play. I'm glad you got to see it!

[Paperdaisy]

Yes that was the one @sol_87 

Friendships can be challenging, I've had my fair share of those. I think sometimes when people are unaccepting of others, they have their own issues they are not dealing with. Whatever you decide to do, I wish you all the best. 

[sol_87]

Thank you! @Paperdaisy

Take care of yourself 🙂

[Former-Member]

@sol_87   @Paperdaisy   @Dimity 

Hi Sol87.

I feel paperdaisy and dimity have given good advice  and it is good because it sounds like you are open to views.

I do not think you should disclose the information to the person or group.

I enjoy listening to otgers chit chat about situations to see how true they are. The organiser is not true.

I opened up on this forum that faith and the bible are a big part of my life. Two were not so happy and really blamed God. That is fine. They were not open or intetested to my ways of dealing in things. This is no reflection on Sane because l have seen some are of faith.

My Pastor from my first church told me not to tell others what I was going through because they will all give an opinion and the opinion will change. I told about 5 and regret telling 3.

I wonder your thoughts that the bible saved me?

The reason l say it is l feel the team leader your friend is showing signs of non acceptance.

I cannot see why you would tell any in the group.

You could have left the movie for many reasons. Stomach etc.

Never Assume you know what others are thinking because when we ASSUME we know their thoughts it just makes an ASS out of U and ME

[Former-Member]

Hi @sol_87 

Short version.

You will not gain anything disclosong to the group.

One disclosed, if someone does not get on with you, you may assume it is because you told them.

Stick to the group.

Listen to what is said.

Everyone has an issue of some type.

I would be surprised if they all bring the issues with them.

Enjoy the event. Leave your issues at home

[sol_87]

Hello @Former-Member

Thanks for your messages. I appreciate your perspective.

I do like the idea of 'leaving my issues at the door' when going out (or to work).

I guess it was a perfect kind of opportunity to open up and disclose, based on the topic of the play.
And, that may have brought more openness and honesty into our relationship.

However, I wasn't feeling it today. And I have reason to be wary and distrustful of this person. I hear how she talks about others behind their backs!

And yet I do really value her friendship. And honesty is a good foundation for friendship too, I think.

Thanks again for your input and insight.

Best of luck to you!
Sol

[Former-Member]

Hi @sol_87 

Trust your instict.

I believe your interpretation.

I have a friend who gets scammed

Trusts everyone

She says she has a good heart

I say you may have a good heart and think that means you trust everyone  but you have unrealistic head believing everyone is good.

So she opens up and gets scammed again.

Just go to the events.

Not sure why you think others need to know more about you than they see in you "at the time or event"