I can’t cope

[Captain24]

Sorry I fell asleep @rav3n 

My new psych would never say that. She has been nothing but amazing. She never pushes me too hard either. She listens and cares. She wants me in hospital earlier than August but I just can’t go. When I told my old psych I was going she made sure I knew I could leave at anytime and even recommended it. She was no help at all. The appointments with her always dragged on. My new psych, we never have enough time! 

I really hate that my bipolar and social phobia get in the way of life. It ruins everything. It’s what makes me feel like a bad person. 

I never realised that you think of me at other times. That’s pretty nice. Thank you. I often think that maybe it’s just a job for you guys. 

I know this is the place to be for the ups and downs but you must get sick of me always being stuck in that loop. Never getting out of it. It must be hard listening to me whine all the time. But in saying that this is the only place I have that constant support. If it wasn’t for here I don’t know that is still be alive. 

I do think that they would miss me. Sometimes I don’t think they will. It’s like an uncertainty that’s not real. It’s the thoughts aren’t facts thing. Poor Jett misses me when I’m at work especially nightshift. I don’t know how he is going to cope for 3 weeks in August. 

Im glad you are around in the weekend. It’s good that someone is. 

[Semly]

Hi @Captain24,

I’m sorry to hear things have been tough. I’ve been here on and off and maybe chatted with you once. Anyway, I feel so much resonance when you say that you feel like, in the hard times, it feels like a loop and (I feel) that there always must be a time when I’ve been unwell/struggling/not coping just too many times for anyone else to listen or care - it really is good that these forums are here. It’s so good to hear you have a lovely psych now - it makes the world of difference. 
I wish you well and hope you have a good Saturday. 🌷

[Captain24]

Hi @Semly 

Im sorry that you understand. It means you have been in the position and I don’t wish that on anyone. 

I hope you are currently doing ok. 

The forums have been a godsend for me and for many others. 

I hope you have a good weekend

[rav3n]

@Captain24 all good, did you sleep okay?

sounds your new psych gets you, and if never do what your old psych did - that goes to show that you 100% deserved better and your old psych did not get it. i do get that the treatment from your old psych makes it hard to think you deserve more, but i'm so so glad you have your new one to help you work on changing that. 

juggling bipolar and social phobia sounds exhausting, and it makes a lot of sense why building and maintaining relationships can be really tricky. you're not a bad person for finding things hard or exhausting, i reckon if other people were in your position, they'd feel the same. 

i'm one of those people who think about others a lot, but don't show it/express it as often. i didn't realise i did it with my friends and family until a couple years ago so i try to be more forward abt it now... but it's still something i'm working on. 

i don't get sick of it cos i've had friends who have been that loop, i've experienced my own version of the loop, and i know that being in that loop is so fkn hard, but it's a lil less hard when you've got a space to let it out - like you mentioned. if coming on here and venting helps even a little in getting through your day, then that's a win. 

the thoughts aren't facts is a good one to keep coming back too, but it is so easy to forget it. aww Jett!! he'll miss you heaps for sure!! Pix and your mum's dog is gonna be with him too, right? 

glad to be here!! do you have much on this weekend? oh and i think i read somewhere a bit about your training, but how'd it go overall!? is the training still on-going or finished?

[Captain24]

I did sleep well. Do you sleep well or have problems? @rav3n 

Add in anxiety disorder, cPTSD and possible adhd. It’s a damning mix. It’s like I have no hope. One thing has to be sorted at a time. Currently we are working on the meds for bipolar. I’m coming off one slowly and added another one in. It helps with anxiety as well so that’s good. When I’m off the other one I have a new one to throw in there. 

Im always thinking of others. Like right now I'm wondering if someone has taken my besties son shopping so he can get something for mother’s day. I’m hoping tyme is having a great time in her trip. I’m wondering if the girl that wasn’t at work for the last nightshifts is ok. I don’t even like her! 

They are staying here and I have a house sitter. Pix and Jett loved them both last time so hopefully they will this time. I am worried about Jetts separation anxiety though. But he will still have Pix. 

The course was just 2 days and it went well. It was a mental health first aid course. Now I’m registered. I did have to take a few minutes out on the second day to reregulate myself though. 

I’ve done my list for today. I built shelves to put my Lego on in the spare room. But to get to the Lego I have to clean the other spare room. I did make a start and crushed all the boxes that were in there. At least you can see the floor now. I’ll have to do a run to the tip sometime these days off. I have a heap of boxes in the garage too. 

Im trying to tell myself that it is safe to mow my lawn. But I’m petrified I’m going to find another snake. It has to be done though. My exposure therapy is not that far advanced. 

Do you have any plans? 

[rav3n]

@Captain24 glad to hear!! i have sleep problems too, it started off anxiety-related but now it's turned into a poor habit. have you heard of revenge bedtime procrastination? i think that's what i've been doing for a few years, and i've only recently started working on it. 

that is a big mix, and i imagine a lot of your symptoms across those overlap too. i remember reading that people with social phobia tend get their ADHD diagnosis missed, and a lot of the time the ADHD side goes unnoticed due to the social anxiety masking symptoms. glad your psych caught this one though! how's the adhd diagnosis process going? 

yesss exactly!! sometimes i think back to ppl who i went primary/high school with, who probably have forgotten me but i still wonder where they are now 😆

oh even better! hopefully it'll make the leave less overwhelming for them since they'll be in the comfort of your home as well. separation anxiety is toughhh but glad Jett has Pix to him company. 

great job on completing the mental health first aid course!!! so fair to take some breathers, there's some heavy in the content. 

wow you got heaps done this morning!! oh yep, very fair if you're not ready to mow the lawn yet. are you thinking of hiring someone to do it while you work on that fear? maybe standing outside and watching someone else do it can be like a next step? 

my plans involve couch rotting and watch some shows/movies, maybe do some cleaning and maybe have a 'mother's day' dinner tonight instead. what's your list for tomorrow?

[Captain24]

I e never heard of that @rav3n. What is it?

Bipolar and adhd can present really similarly. That’s why I need my bipolar stabilised first. I didn’t know about social anxiety though. That’s interesting. My psych was diagnosed in December and can see many signs in me. The Pdoc is going to finish the assessment when all my meds are sorted. There is a huge possibility though. I think she is also looking at asd. It’ll take 3 months to get off the meds anyway. As the dosage gets lower I will suffer more withdrawals. The smaller the amount the higher the withdrawals. 

I wonder about school people too. I wouldn’t say friends as I didn’t really have any. 

Im going to tell the house sitters to watch him and get them to call mum if he is struggling and get her to take him to the vet for anxiety medication. He has bad anxiety but I don’t want him medicated. But if he needs help for while I’m away I’m ok with that. 

My psych said to get someone but my social anxiety gets in the way of calling for help. I really should get someone to do it though. Maybe a lot of prn will help. I’m ok to do one side of the backyard as that’s not where the snake was it’s the other side and out the front that’s the problem. Maybe if I start I can keep going.. I don’t know. I need to settle my anxiety to start. 

I feel like I’ve made an achievement for the day so that’s good. 

Tomorrow I want to get rid of all the boxes to the tip. Finish sorting out the spare room and put all my Lego on the shelves. Bathing both dogs would be a bonus. We will have a Mother’s Day dinner tomorrow night. I’ve got something for mum from her dogs but I forgot about something from mine. I’ll just put money in a card from me. 

Couch rotting sounds good. That’s where I am right now! Both dogs are asleep on me. What do you like to watch? If you’re working tomorrow night dinner tonight sounds good. 

I really want to go back to bed. 

[rav3n]

@Captain24 i'm terrible with explaining so i've just copied this from google: revenge bedtime procrastination where individuals deliberately delay going to bed, even when tired, to reclaim personal time and engage in activities they weren't able to enjoy during the day. It's essentially a way to "revenge" oneself on a busy day by prioritizing leisure at the expense of sleep.

^ i'm in a weird spot where i really enjoy my down time late at night but i also want more sleep.

ohh i didn't know about bipolar and ADHD presenting in similar ways too, and those med changes sound challenging as well. makes a lot sense why you'd feel low and exhausted.

yep, sounds like a good plan to have those meds handy as backup, fingers crossed he won't need it though.

so fair, i hate making calls. even if you get one side done, that's still pretty damn good. 

haha love how you got the dogs covered first! i always find mothers/fathers days stressful, i never know what to get. money sound like a safe bet tho!

i usually rewatch shows (currently rewatching Greys Anatomy) but i also like a mix of genres. i want to find a something with comedy tho, need a good laugh! how about you, what are you watching?

i hear ya, sending you some gentle hugs 💙

[Captain24]

I’ve done that in the past where I’ll keep going with Lego or whatever I am doing and put sleep off then regret it the next day. @rav3n 

Im going to do the med changes a little faster so they are done by the time I go to hospital. It'll be much easier to just be on regular meds than juggling them. But I do guess that’s what my current thoughts are stemming from. There is a long way to go yet. 

I’m trying to talk myself into going out there. It’s pretty cold so hopefully the snakes are hibernating. But last time it was warming itself on the colorbond fence. 

Mum prefers money. She has to buy expensive shoes plus she likes to buy photography stuff or new things for the computer. I just got chocolates from the dogs. 

I watch home and away and neighbours! I’m currently watching parenthood on Netflix. It’s ok but they all keep talking over each other and I find that difficult to cope with. I like drama and comedy but not silly comedy. I watched Greys when it first came out. I haven’t watched it for years. I’m a big friends fan though. I don’t know how many times I’ve seen it! 

We have the cold rock ice cream van in town at the moment so I just went and got ice cream plus a tub for the freezer. It was so good!!! 

[Captain24]

This just came up on Facebook! @rav3n