Hey there, I'm new here and a bit nervous posting. I feel like it's so hard talking to people that haven't experienced the ups and downs of living with someone with mental illness and it's hard to find good support systems sometimes. I would love to hear your thoughts on how I can make sure I don't burn out/ how I can support my partner better / any advice!
here's the (long) back story...
I have been with my partner for almost 2 years now. He has a history of psychosis and schizophrenia, which I knew about but had never seen the full effects before recently. I knew his story and his previous history of being in hospital for 8+ weeks (which happened years before I met him). As someone who suffers with anxiety/ depression myself (which is currently okay), I always had empathy and understanding for him and his illness. The only real impact his illness had on him was the side effects of his anti-psych medication he was on... which severely impacted our relationship as a new and young couple and ended up causing a lot of problems.
He went to see a psychiatrist last year to get his meds reviewed and they slowly reduced his dose to nothing and he fully came off them last year. I saw some changes in him when he was off them, he was thinking very deeply, questioning a lot of things but slowly would become overwhelmed. In hindsight I can see now he was very sick (this is something that I feel guilty about - I feel like I failed him and his family and that I should've known better). He would tell me things that he said his Mum/ Grandpa/ Dad had told him, which I would never question. They were private things about their pasts that he asked me not to share. All of which we now know we're never true. The biggest delusion he had was when he told me that he had done something really bad/explicit/violating with one of my close girl friends. This, at the time... I didn't know was a delusion and absolutely broke me. I felt like my world had turned upside down and couldn't believe I was with someone that could do something so disgusting. He was also distraught when he told me, he felt so much shame and guilt and hated himself for it. After everything coming out - we realised that this delusion wasn't true. I have been speaking with my own psychologist about it too... who also concluded that is highly unlikely it's something he actually did, because it was so out of character. He ended up in hospital for 4 days after this happened. Which was another battle in itself for me. I felt like I'd just been hurt so badly and his family (who are SO lovely and supportive) almost we're protecting me and I felt like keeping him from me a bit. So I went from living what felt like a normal life with my boyfriend... to him telling me this horrible "confession" ...to him completely disappearing from my home/life/ Me unable to contact him etc.
Fast forward to now, hes back home and on a different medication which he feels is still not working that well. I can see a difference but also know that he's not fully well yet. He gets really anxious and still seems a bit like a different person. He has also started seeing a psychologist that seems very spiritual, and with my partner being extra vulnerable at the moment... it seems like he is taking everything this guy is saying as gospel (pardon the pun). This is also very out of character as he's not normally a spiritual person unless he's sick. After his appointments he was saying very odd things that worried me a bit. But I also felt like I was being negative because he felt excited about it.
I just feel so exhausted, like I am second guessing everything he is saying at the moment. Wondering if I need to be logical with him and redirect his thoughts or if I am just being unsupportive. I feel like I am going crazy and constantly not knowing what is him and what is his illness. We both feel like we are simultaneously bringing each other down a bit. I feel happy one minute and the next I'll get a message from him that makes me feel so anxious and worried. He decided today that he's going to go stay at his parents house for "a bit". This was something that was mentioned but never fully discussed together. I know it's probably for the best and he constantly tells me how much he loves me etc, but it's still just so hard.
I am so overwhelmed by everything, I don't know what to do, how to look after him or how to look after myself. I'm so scared of the future with him and I don't ever want to experience the kind of
pain he put me through again, but I love him so much and really want everything to be back to normal.
Will he get better or will I never see my old love again? Is this something I will always have to deal with? Any help would be so appreciated!
