Space verses abandonment fear

[Sharni-lea]

My partner has upset me again, I cried and cried, she told me it's her not me (possible BPD), she said she knows she hurts me, doesn't know why. She messaged to say 'be careful' after I left in tears and said 'think smart' I replied 'whatever', her 'sorry', me 'what for' her 'just because I said whatever then sorry for messaging' not for anything real. I know she tends to now spiral into feeling guilty and hating on herself sometimes suicidal, she has her own supports. I just don't know if I reach out or break the cycle by leaving space and wait for her to reach out. She has moved out to 'get help' so is not physically here. Does me staying silent re-confirm her abandonment fears and make bpd worse or solidify boundaries, you hurt me you do the work etc? So conf5 

[amber22]

Hey there @Sharni-lea 

I'm so sorry that you are experiencing a bit of a confusing time with this, it does sound really tricky to navigate. 

Have you sat down and spoken to your partner and how this makes you feel? I can see that you're very aware of how your partner feels and the things that they may need in order to try and reduce this behaviour (e.g. their support systems that they have in place, them moving out and not physically being with you etc.), but have you communicated about your feelings and worries regarding this with them? 

It is really important to care for yourself too and make sure that your boundaries aren't being crossed, and that your needs are also being met. 

Sitting with you,

Amber22

[tyme]

Hey @Sharni-lea ,

Thank you for sharing. 

What I'm about to share is from a borderline's perspective. I'm not saying your partner has BPD, but because of your question, I thought you may want to hear it from my experiences as a borderline.

Firstly, the feelings of being rejected are very real. It hurts like someone has just rubbed salt on an open wound. For me, what helped was being given 'space', but also being reassured with the person telling me they were giving me space but would check in tomorrow or check in in an hour's time. If people gave me an exact time, I'd know they were not rejecting me. However, if you check in at that time and I still wasn't ready, then what would help is if the person told me again they'd give me space but would check-in at XYZ.

Something else that worked was after being given space, the person would send me a text message to tell me they were giving me space, and when I was ready, it was up to me to contact them. This empowered me to make the first move.

Setting clear boundaries for yourself is what will protect you and your partner. Communicate these boundaries and agree on them. As much as possible, give your partner choices e.g. do you prefer me to sit with you, or do you prefer me to give you space and come back at 3pm?

Hope this helps.

Please tag me if you have any other questions e.g. @tyme 

[tyme]

How are you going @Sharni-lea ?

[Sharni-lea]

@amber22 , thanks Amber, yes I probably over share if that's a thing. Before I was aware of BPD and symptoms of adhd, bipolar, even depression, I assumes this was solely relationship challenges. She originally said she maybe has lost a little love or isn't as in love as she once was, the more we spoke though the more she contradicted herself and was hot and cold, push pull type cycles. Now says it's all her not me or us and she will get help and come back, but can't promise anything but what's me to wait, but knows it's selfish and says I deserve better. She knows how I feel every step of the way but my emotions make her angry. If I cry or get upset she feels guilt and gets angry and distant. When I say how I feel she says she knows and she's sorry and she feels bad and it makes her have suicidal ideation as she wants to end it for us and make it easier. I try Distance and not reach out but I miss her  and also worry she will feel I'm not wanting her to come back as she convinces herself I'm out living my best kife when really I'm sitting here ruminating. So so hard. She says she cares about me and my feelings but just cant show it right now. She is actually showing very selfish and thoughtlessness towards my feelings quite often from Stone walling to saying she needs time alone but then going out with a friend etc. I've offered to walk away, she says she wants me to wait as she's scared by the time she's 'fixed' I will have moved on 😞 

[Sharni-lea]

@tyme , thank you. It is so hard and I am hard on myself as I feel my own hurt and anxiety make me reach out sometimes and I hate myself for breaking. At one stage she said me saying I love you was even pressure as she knew there was an expect to day it back, she says she does love me but sometimes just can't say it, then I make her, by just being here, feel guilty as she knows she's hurting me. I will try gibe times, thank you, I did start telling her I was going for a shower etc so when I didn't reply instantly she didn't get upset as sometimes I'd come back to my phone blowing up about why I wasn't answering etc. In my heart I believe she loves me and is just really struggle but she does make every choice with 100% selfishness at the moment even when she knows it hurts me, then feels guilty, but not enough to stop making the poor choices ie Stone walling, choosing others over me etc. But has never been outright nasty. I have been sending little memes every day trying to show support but neutral so not about us just about her having strength etc or each day being a new day etc.. just so hard 😪 

[tyme]

Hugs @Sharni-lea ,

It's a bit of a ride. For me, I had to be explicitly taught interpersonal skills. As a borderline, I felt that I didn't learn them when others did. Therefore, I didn't learn them until my 30s when I was explicitly taught and had to practice it with therapists. 

Learning to communicate and tackling things was something I had to keep practicing. Naturally, I avoid things, but have now learnt that it doesn't solve the problem. 

I hope you can open up to someone in due time to help you work through some of this. 

Sometimes, people find it hard to say they love you, but by their actions, you know it's real love.

All the best. I look forward to hearing how you go.

[Sharni-lea]

Thank you,

I guess that's the problem, her actions do t show love either as she says she's so debilitated she can't show me right now.