Acceptance is hard work

[MissinTooth]

Hello, @AuntGlow 

I had a rough day yesterday, but managed to spend some time with my niece. I gave her a birthday present, and got to spend time as she played with it. She's two, and her laughter and smile added some lightness and joy to what was a really challenging day. 

Initially reaching out to the SANE counsellor was more desperation and fear than bravery, I think. But then, I spent a lot of the day regretting it. Wanting to take the email back. I don't know how I feel about it - I need to work through it and need support with it, but also...other people knowing makes me feel vulnerable and anxious. 

As I was explaining to @Jynx yesterday, I'm not used to being kind to myself, at showing myself gentleness. It's actually really hard for me to do. I'm so hard on myself. I don't know anyone different and it feels odd to try and be kind and gentle with myself. And I don't know if my mind believes it. I'm still struggling with how people here can be so kind and gentle with me. 

Today...I feel as if I've made progress on a few things. I've done some housework, I have dinner on in the slow cooker, and I've finished my first assignment. I don't feel like such a failure at life today. I'm now blending in with my couch and trying and failing to relax and watch a movie. The sitting still is hard. 

[Till23]

Hey @MissinTooth what sort of wood fire do you have? Open fire, pot belly or one with a glass front you can watch the flames?

[MissinTooth]

@Till23I have an old wood heater, mounted into a fireplace. It's got a glass front on the door. I can watch the flames.

[Till23]

Oh that's great @MissinTooth I love watching the flames I find it relaxing

[MissinTooth]

@Till23 wood heating is the best kind of heat. I'm not a fan of the dust, the spiders or the mess from wood heating, but the heat is better than heat pump warmth. In my opinion, anyway. 

[MissinTooth]

@AuntGlow how are you? You've probably answered that question a few times tonight - sorry 😕 

[AuntGlow]

Thank you for sharing this with me @MissinTooth. 

This is so beautiful, I am really glad to hear your niece created some space for lightness and joy. 🥰

You know, I am not sure bravery fully exists without fear present - it's what makes the act courageous. You are allowed to be both. I'd also like you to know it is really normal to feel uncomfortable after being vulnerable. (I experience this too!) You are being so open with another human, so of course it is going to feel exposing, and it's natural to want to protect yourself. I would really love to know how they reply, I have no doubt it will be positive and supportive.

Mmm, yes, self-compassion is really hard. Especially if this hasn't been modelled or provided to us. It's okay if this takes time. I think many of us are working on this... @Jynx I would love to hear your favourite method for slowly cultivating more inner kindness. 

This is definitely progress, yay! Sitting still is hard, I agree... if there is excess energy in the body right now, are you able to explore some gentle movement tonight? ✨

[MissinTooth]

@AuntGlow thank you for your beautiful replies.

The ebbs and flows have got me tonight. The ups and downs. I wish I could hold onto the ups for longer. 

I will share their reply with you, when I get it. It's the weekend, so it might take them a couple of days. I'm sure it'll be supportive and positive too, it's not that I worry about. As you said, It's hard being vulnerable and dealing with the protective brain. 

[tyme]

Drawing @MissinTooth ! Did you end up using any Art Hub videos for guided drawing with your kiddos?

Also, you mentioned somehwere about your niece. How old is your niece? I live next door to my nieces and nephew - they mean a lot to me. They drive me bonkers, but I still love them.

Hope you have an better week with work and everything else.

As for setting aside protected time, it's totally okay if you haven't. At least you know that idea is there if you feel you need it.

Hugs to you.

[MissinTooth]

@tyme I haven't yet, but we are doing some art and some drawing every now and then. I have started teaching Comic art as an elective a couple of times a week, and I've done some guided drawing using Smiling Minds with them. We only have small pockets of time for art. 

My niece turned two last weekend, so she's really young. But she's also really spunky. She will tell you to "go away." She loves Miss Rachel and I was singing a Miss Rachel song to her and she put her hands on her lips, screwed up her nose and was like..."No, my song!" I was like..."okay then!" You are very lucky to live so close to them. I missed her so very much when I lived in QLD last year. 

I did some of that today actually. I finished my assignment and then made a good effort of blending into my lounge for the afternoon. I tried to watch a movie but my focus needed more focus! And I have no idea what happened in it. 

The hugs are needed, thank you.