Acceptance is hard work

[AuntGlow]

Yes, of course! @MissinTooth 

You could give it a name, a character, an archetype - anything that creates a little separation from you at your core. Because your most grounded self will be a different part of you. (You could also name and create a persona for them too!). This can actually be really fun to do - you can journal or be creative from these parts of you as well. It can be such a great way to integrate them and get to know them. (Because we want to love and accept all of you!). 

Have you practiced any meditation or box-breathing today? 💛

[MissinTooth]

@AuntGlow no, I didn't do any meditation or box breathing yesterday. I struggle with consistency when it comes to meditation. 

I was so very tired when I got home from work, and so deep in brain fog that I curled up on the couch and didn't really do much of anything. I went to bed really early.

I heard back from the counsellor and she sent me a much longer email than the one I sent her. She was glad I'd told her about the SI, told me that we would talk about it when I was ready and in a way that supported me. She said it was natural to not feel comfortable talking about it. She sent me through crisis numbers which made me feel...I don't know...resistance kicked in at those numbers and I kind of went..."NOPE." The walls went up, not with her, but at the thought of using them. 

The idea of giving my anxiety a name sounded strange at first, like splitting parts of yourself, but now I think it actually could be a fun and creative way of looking at it. 

[AuntGlow]

@MissinTooth Thank you so much for sharing this with us. I would like to take a moment to sit with how far you have come. Pausing, reflecting, sharing - these are all really wonderful (and very hard) things to do. 

I am so sorry to hear that you had this experience with your friend, it sounds like it was so incredibly overwhelming and isolating for you. It really feels to me like she was projecting a lot of unconscious triggers, reactivity, and wounds onto you, which isn't fair at all. It also shows me how you absolutely weren't to blame for her behaviour and how things unfolded (I hope you can sit with this for a moment). 

It's understandable that you found yourself triggered by the Facebook comment, I would have been too. It's so easy for these kinds of emotions to resurface, especially if there's been no real closure. 

I think it's amazing that you were able to get your assessment done in a way that felt good for you, this is huge! It's great to hear you're turning to meditation when you are experiencing more heightened emotion too. 

I know this felt like a lot for you, but I can see you are really working towards coming back to yourself and supporting your wellbeing to the absolute best of your ability.

Reading this made me smile. 🥰

[MissinTooth]

@AuntGlow thank you for such positivity, I need that today.

I am still at fault to some degree and own that. It's hard to sit with. I failed the friendship because I withdrew and struggled to communicate with her in the first place. I failed the friendship because I couldn't regulate my triggers enough to be even functional within it. I spent every night for the first 6 months silently crying, hiding in my bedroom. It was rough. I tried to fix me, to work on my communication, to work on my triggers but it was never enough - nothing I changed or did was never enough. I've internalised this, I think. 

Edit to avoid having two posts in a row...

Oh @AuntGlow I just...I feel really sad. 

[AuntGlow]

@MissinTooth Any time. 💕

I can understand why you would have internalised this experience... however, what I can see is a person who was trying their absolute best to regulate through constant triggers - this would be hard for anyone to do!! I think this part of you deserves SO much compassion. I am sending you a big hug from afar. 

If it feels okay, can you tell me more about this sadness?