Acceptance is hard work

[MissinTooth]

@tyme that's the second time tonight you've said that I'm strong. Little secret...I'm not, I'm just...stubborn.

Thank you. Tomorrow is a big day! It feels like a big day.

Luna is a Border Collie X Blue Heeler. What breed is your dog?

[tyme]

We all have the streak of stubborness in us. Sometimes it's when we don't feel strong that we actually show we ARE strong. 

I LOVE border collies. They are Soooo intelligent. Long haired? Luna must be soooooo active. Both border collies and heelers are such active dogs! 

I have a cavoodle. Her name is Ruby. She turned 1 recently. @MissinTooth 

What time do you leave the house tomorrow for work?

[MissinTooth]

@tyme she's long haired, but I keep it shortish. Otherwise she gets too hot and it gets too difficult to maintain.

She is 8 years old and isn't active as she should be. She has arthritis in her back legs, which impacts on her movement. 

Your dogga sounds beautiful. 

I will leave for work at around 7.15 am. Speaking of work, I probably should head to bed. 

Thank you for the chats and for believing that I am strong. 

[tyme]

I'm heading off too. Goodnight @MissinTooth 

[MissinTooth]

@tyme hi, just wanted to pop in and let you know that I had my Welcome call this afternoon and have my Intake/planning call on Monday evening. So thank you for following that up for me. 

I don't know...maybe a vent or an update...

Back to work has been...an adjustment, which lead to a meltdown last night. Adjusting to an increase in teaching responsibilities, a new school wide format for teaching, and a full time contract (instead of four days a week) is going to be interesting. I have to work closely in a teaching team with two other teachers and I'm having difficulty with one of those teachers. Maybe a communication issue...

I'm finding that I'm super intense and anxious and busy and overloaded at work- but the adrenaline is high and I don't stop. I've even been waking up in planning and organising mode at ridiculous O'Clock in the morning. Monday morning it was like...4 am. I mean, I'm a teacher...who has time to stop? And It resulted in me being too tired to manage my emotions effectively. I cried, then slept super early. 

I woke up this morning - still ridiculously early - feeling more positive though. I had a late start (because we're a team of three teachers on two grade 5/6 classes, once a week we each get a 9.20 am start instead of 8 am). It was nice not to feel that rush right from the word go and my day has felt calmer and my emotions have felt calmer. 

Some interesting thoughts came up yesterday though, so might have some things to work on there. 

[tyme]

Sounds like a helluva lot of changes lately. Did you WANT to go up to full time work? @MissinTooth 

It sounds like a lot, considering you are also studying. 

When you woke up feeling so stressed, were you able to re-regulate yourself? 

A teacher needs their sleep! I'm so concerned about you. I'm mindful it's only the start of term...so I'm guessing you have many weeks to go... then reporting?

[tyme]

Also @MissinTooth , you mentioned you were working in a team of 2 others. It's not team teaching, right?

[MissinTooth]

@tyme I wasn't really given a choice. I was welcomed as a full time staff member in a staff meeting without them having even had a conversation with me. I'm not chuffed at the idea and questioning my capacity to deal with it, but financially...now that I'm paying rent, it's a sensible decision. 

Was I able to regulate myself? Hmm...probably not. I'm not sure. I sit somewhere close to the edge of meltdown most days that I don't know if I'm actually regulated or not. Anxiety is a constant state and I just go about about my day within it. I don't know if that makes sense...

Today, I feel regulated. I've had moments of anxiety but some days...it's just an all day thing. 

Many weeks to go. Nine and a half and then reporting. Sleep is an issue for me, has always been. I had night terrors as a teenager for years and years, and now I have nightmares and moments of waking up with a general sense of being unsafe and I generally only sleep for two hour blocks at a time. I um...when I get really stressed and anxious, I can and have had bouts of insomnia. And if I'm embarrassingly honest, I'm fourty years old and afraid of the dark. 

I can also...what I can only liken to hyperfocus on things and totally not sleep. My brain won't shut down and I got into

What's kind of like an adrenaline surge or something, where my body and brain can't be still enough for sleep. I did that recently with an assignment, and didn't sleep for two days. 

[tyme]

Hrmmm.... that's odd that they welcomed you as a full timer without speaking to you. But who knows? Probably misunderstanding? @MissinTooth 

We all have our own fears. If it's not this, then it's that. Your feelings a valid, and I hope you find a way to work through these challenges.

I'm not sure if we've mentioned it in the past, but do meds help with your anxiety? Does ADHD come into the picture at all? Please do not feel pressured to respond if you are not comfortable doing so. It's understandable.

[MissinTooth]

@tymeit doesn't matter now. I made the good financial choice and shall deal with the consequences. 

I not on meds. I don't have a diagnosis of any kind. I think I'm afraid of it, I can't put my finger on why. I kind of used the excuse or, "it doesn't matter what's wrong with me. I don't need to label it and I have to live with it no matter what, so maybe it's better to figure out how to live with it." And I've also said, "I don't want meds, I want to do it naturally. I want to figure it out and develop strategies without meds."

Lately though...there's something that maybe would like to know. Something that's really tired of doing life like this and maybe there's another more peaceful and calmer, different, way to live. Maybe a diagnosis will help me to better understand me and maybe then I'll feel a little less like I'm broken. 

I don't know...