Caring for yourself as parent

[Mac59]

Hi all,

I am new to this website. I have a son in his mid 20’s who has struggled with low self esteem and depression since he was 18. A string of break ups left him heart broken and with no esteem. He has seen many psychiatrists and psychologists but to no gain. No drugs have made any difference as he can’t seem to physically tolerate them.

He seems to now be picking up physical symptoms and we have learnt has been self harming.

We have tried to be supportive and guide him in the right direction to seek help but it is all too hard for him. He generally believes it won’t work for him.

We continue to be heart broken and know there is not much more we can do as he is an adult. 
Just wondering how other parents cope so that it doesn’t impact on their daily lives?

 Thanks 

[hanami]

Hi there @Mac59 and welcome to the forums. I'm so glad you found us here as it's a wonderful community that offers support and friendship. 

I can hear how this situation with your son is breaking your heart. As a parent of four I know how bad it feels when one of them is going through something not so great. You can feel helpless and their sadness breaks your heart.  For your son to be in so much mental pain must be so hard on you and your daily life. 

Have you checked out Carers Gateway? I'll put the link here.

You may find something of help there. I hope others can chime in to this conversation and offer you some advice. 

Keep reaching out

hanami 💮

[Mac59]

Thank you so much for your response. Some really useful information on that site.

[Former-Member]

Hey there @Mac59, welcome to the carers forum! You've taken the first step here in getting some extra support. I really hope you feel supported here. Your sons situation sounds very similar to my younger brothers who I also care for. I can really empathise with what you're going through ❤️ 

I'm hearing that you're at a loss of how to support your son, and it's so clear that you have been there for him throughout his life. I'm so sorry that he is such a difficult place right now, but I'm glad he has such a caring parent ❤️ 

It also sounds like you're feeling a bit powerless and looking for ways to continue your support but balance it with your own wellbeing. Is that right? How have you been coping with all of this so far and what are your own supports like?

Here are just a few additional resources to help you our

• the Daily Check In Space is a place for carers on the forum to come each day (or whenever suits you!) to reflect on what's challenging and what you're doing great at
• This big discussion thread of self-care for carers
• Self care toolbox for carers
• This SANE webpage on being a carer

And one handy tip on the forums is that if you scroll down to the bottom of the homepage screen, you'll see all these tags (I've attached a photo) and you'll be able to find search via topics. Click here to find all the carer self-care posts

This sounds like a really difficult time, and as long as you're there when your son asks for support and you keep reaching out with love, he will appreciate that. No matter what. My brother often won't respond for months a time, but always appreciates the messages and support when we receives them ❤️ 

Big love,

TuxedoCat

[LouiseVictoria]

Hello.  Thank you for sharing.  
This is my first day on this site as I too am feeling as you are with regard to our 16yo daughter. 

COVID got her hard at a crucial time and for the past two years had been depressed.  Weekly psychology appointments, medication and after two years she’s despairing that she will never get better.  Our bright, beautiful daughter struggles every day, has an eating disorder and self harms.   It is utterly overwhelming.  

I look at what should be the best years of their lives and it breaks your heart that everything is so tough for them.  

I have come here, like you, to understand how to support them and keep them trying to be optimistic when they aren’t, at all.  The fear and isolation of supporting a suffering child can be overwhelming.   

As parents we want to fix their hurts but we are going blind most of the time.  What do we do when nothing seems to be helping, it’s so so hard.  

I don’t think there’s a way to stop it affecting your daily life.  Our other children need attention too, you become stretched so thin and it can be easy to lose capacity to do anything for yourself.  Fear is ever present and you can be obsessed with helping them and trying to engage them in life.  

I don’t have any answers as we are struggling like you, but I hear you.  Carving small moments for yourself to do something for you, whatever that may be, is important - but I also know that’s challenging.  

Im so sorry for your sons experience with heart break.  My elder daughter is nearly 20 and would love to meet someone who would take care of her ❤️.  She doesn’t even know what it is to really like someone or be liked in return and that’s a whole other heartache.  

parenting is the toughest gig ever and I’m sure you’re doing an amazing job and I really hope your son feels some lightness soon.