Hey there,
Im in a relationship & he is amazing & I love him so much.
Unfortunately he is currently serving some time in prison as he had his own mental breakdown when his Dad died & made some poor choices.
It’s been 7 months, I’ve supported him every step of the way. I visit every week & write to him every night.
He is due to get out next month.
We were both friends with a guy before he went in but he was always funny about me and the guy thinking there was something going on.
There never was but it’s something that plays on him still & obviously with not much else to think about atm he has insecurities.
I stayed away from this guy & didn’t maintain the friendship to make him feel better.
Until today. The friend called me & I went & hung out with him.
I have 100% zero interest in him as anything more than a friend, but I knew that it was a terrible idea yet I still did it.
I feel like I did this to self sabotage my relationship. Like I’ve waited 7 months for my partner & been so loyal and then when he gets a release date I suddenly go and hang out with the one person that would hurt my partner if he knew.
Like I finally have a chance at having a real go at an amazing life with my partner & I deliberately do something I know would be a deal breaker to him.
I hate myself so much right now. I feel physically sick & am so upset with my choices.
I thought I had come so far with my own insecurities in therapy that I wouldn’t make such a terrible decision.
But yet here we are.
How do I stop myself from ruining my own relationship that I want so bad?
I feel like I’ve already done it now anyway. He will probably never forgive me or trust me & he already has trust issues from his Mums infidelity with his Dad.
Why do I always do things like this to myself? It’s like a part of me wants me to be miserable.
I’m heartbroken & it’s all my own fault.
