my sister has BPD

[kittycat77]

Trigger warning: abuse, mental health, self-harm 

I'm new to this forum and have trouble talking about what's going on. I'm feeling completely helpless and defeated and don't know where to turn so I guess I'm giving this a shot. 

My older sister (24) was diagnosed with both biploar disorder and borderline personality disorder a couple of years ago. It has been extremely hard on my parents and my other siblings as we are all living together and have to deal with her manic episodes. 

This past year has been extremely difficult. My sister has been splitting more often and recently has been having a manic episode that is going on three weeks now. In the past, my parents have called the ambulance on her when she has been manic and we've had to get police involved at different times when she runs away from home and doesn't tell anyone where she's going. 

She is also very addicted to smoking weed, has no money, no job, isn't studying so her episodes have been even worse lately. I understand that she has a mental illness. But everyone in my family is going through their own mental health problems/trauma/PTSD/addiction. 

I've become pretty numb to her outbursts (as I've been experiencing them my whole life) but recently everything is getting to me. She said the other day that she hated me and if I died she wouldn't go to my funeral. She also threatened to hit my sister. Threatens to off herself when she doesn't get her way or when we're not buying weed for her. 

She is the most carying and loving person when she is well but when she's manic I don't want to be around her. I don't want to keep enabling her addiction but it is also usually just easier to buy her weed than have her verbally abuse me. 

My whole family is exhausted. We've tried everything I can think of. My parents have offered to pay for her therapy, private health, and medication. We've all gone to pick up weed for her at different times because it's just easier for everyone. She usually doesn't take her meds and uses weed to cope most of the time. When she is depressed we try to get her to see friends, do art, go for a walk and all she just wants to do is sit in her own misery. 

She does nothing to help herself and doesn't accept help from anyone. She's manipulative, abusive and evil when she is manic. Then she apologises when she feels better or has weed again and expects everyone to act normal. 

She has ruined family holidays when we go to see relatives, hurls abuse at my family and expects everyone to bend over backwards to help her. 

I literally feel useless. My mum has called the CAT team several times on her and they say they basically can't do anything unless she tries to off herself or hurts one of us. Apparently her threatening to off herself or threatening to hurt us doesn't qualify as her being completely unstable. 

None of my friends have family members with such intense family problems so most of the time I feel isolated and like I'm losing my mind. 

Luckily I have my parents and two other sister's to support me. But when my sister is like this it affects everyone's mental state. She refuses to accept help, won't do family therapy, won't save money and it is starting to way heavily on everyone. 

When she is like this there is NO getting through to her. You speak calmy, she abuses you; you ignore her she follows you through the house and continues to hurl abuse. She's broken countless houshold items, thrown things etc. 

I'm scared that she's going to hurt one of us or that one of us will hurt her because we can't take it anymore. 

She can mask her outbursts around friends and extended family but hurts her immediate family the most because she knows we love her. 

I can't keep forgiving her for her abusive behaviour. I can't afford therapy. 

I want to move out but have no money myself. I want to stay at a friend's house for a while but I feel guilty leaving the rest of my family to deal with her outburts.  

When I say we've tried everything. WE'VE TRIED EVERYTHING!

I'm reaching my breaking point. I don't want to cut her off completely but literally cannot cope living with her anymore. I feel like I'm going insane. Everyone else's mental health and personal problems get pushed to the backburner because my sister takes over everything. 

Is anyone out there experiencing something similar? I can't take it anymore and feel my own mental health is deteriorating. I don't know what to do. 

I feel alone and helpless. I'm scared of her. I'm scared for my family. I'm scared that she's going to hurt herself or one of us. 

I don't know how to fix this. Or if I can. 

[tacocat]

Hi @kittycat77 

Welcome to the forums, and thanks for sharing. 

At really sounds like you're exhausted, and understandably so. I get the feeling that even if there was a solution placed in front of you right now, you would be too tired to act upon it. 

Perhaps you and your family need to step back for a bit, to care for yourselves, and get some perspective on all of this? A solution, or at least a way of managing the situation may appear when you're in a better headspace. 

[Jane59]

Hi @kittycat77

I am reading your post whilst searching for some much needed support for myself and family as we struggle to support our child/sibling with BPD.

So much of your experience with your loved one with BPD is mirrored in my families experiences. I cannot offer advice but wanted to let you know, I understand your feelings and your post has resonated with how I am feeling, very much.

Thankyou for your post on SANE and I  wanted to say you are doing an incredible job as a loving sibling and hope you and your family are assisted in learning

ways to finding some peace in your lives.

I really feel a little less alone for reading it.

♥️

[SupportW]

My suggestion is to contact NDIS for mental health support which from the information you have given would qualify for NDIS disability support which could give help for your sister support and respite for your family. I am a disability support worker and have clients with similar health conditions.

[kittycat77]

It's comforting to know I'm not the only one out there who is struggling with these issues.

Thank you for replying to my message it's given me a little more peace of mind to know that other people understand me. 

I think what has helped me through the tough times is seeing friends when I feel up to it, crafting, reading, going for walks and so on. 

These things are not always easy to do in difficult home-life circumstances however. I think the most important thing is to have friends and family around you who will be there for you. Whether it's to listen to you, distract you, give you a hug or whatever you need. Support is there, you aren't alone. 

Another thing I've found is to try to be kinder to myself. It gets exhausting to bare the weight of your families burdens and can quickly lead to burn out (been there). Set boundaries with this person, don't beat yourself up for feeling like you alone can't solve the issue. Mental health problems are complex and not something that can be easily fixed. 

Yes your family member may be struggling and has very intense emotions, outburts, or says or does things that they don't mean. I can't begin to understand what goes through my sister's mind and how tough it must be. But she also will never fully understand how the rest of us are feeling. We are all human, we are all trying our best. 

The fact that you are writing on this forum proves how much you care about your person. 

You are allowed to feel angry, upset, hopeless, defeated. Your mental health matters. Doing things that make you feel good is important. Sticking to boundaries, expressing your feelings and sharing what you are struggling with is completley valid.