Hey @Mothlet - glad you decided to share with us, I'm hearing how much these diagnoses have thrown you. And very fair! I think BPD (and HPD by the sounds of it) is still unfortunately an incredibly stigmatised diagnosis.
Something I've found helpful to try to remember (even if not everyone in the MH system approaches it this way) is that the purpose of diagnosis is to guide treatment. It's supposed to be descriptive, not prescriptive - i.e. no diagnosis can ever encapsulate the richness of our complexity, they cannot tell us how our experiences shape us, they only describe patterns in how humans respond to trauma.
I can tell you now, you do NOT have to listen to any of the awful things that can be said about these diagnoses. Many descriptions approach these experiences from the outside looking in - they often describe how it impacts others moreso than what it is like to actually experience it. We are allowed to be 'attention-seeking' because as human beings, social connection is a need, and when we didn't receive enough of the kind of attention we needed as kids, we crave it from wherever we can find it.
You've also reminded me of something I have spoken to my therapist about recently - 'manipulative behaviours' that essentially function to pull people closer. Self-harm can be one way we do this; I've also been known to (without really meaning to) have an emotional meltdown in order to prevent my partner from leaving, and similar things. It can leave me with awful feelings of guilt and shame later on, and I've called myself manipulative for doing so.
My therapist said that when we have complex developmental trauma, like in the case of BPD and C-PTSD, our attachment systems are wounded, because as children we didn't have enough emotional safety to feel secure. The abandonment wound can run so, so deep, and sometimes we end up feeling like we are back to being that little child within us. She said to me, "Would you call a 5 year old manipulative?" "No...I guess not."
We may not like our behaviours, but for me it has been really helpful to understand them better, to see that they're not some sign of being a horrible person, they're just the maladaptive ways that my mind tries to feel connected, and tries to protect me from real or perceived hurt.
I don't think you lack insight, because you are literally demonstrate reflective capacity by opening up this thoughtful conversation, with the intention I imagine, of feeling like you can understand yourself better!
I'll tag one of our members, @BPDSurvivor, to share some of their experiences too.
You're not alone 💜
