Sharing thoughts on a relationship topic.

[Powderfinger]

I'm.wondering what others thoughts are on being in relationships with people that are so very trapped in their past. 

I'm asking this question because I've had this experience and would like others to share their thoughts. Being in your own head all the time isn't fun. 

How can two people be with one another when one is in their past. Projecting from their past, not able to let go of their past, making decisions based on their past, doing what they did in their past. How can you even be present in a relationship when you are living in your past. 

In my experience it caused me great pain and damage. Of course I tried to help the person move on and show them a future. I don't think it made any difference. It broke my heart too. I slowly died in myself. 

How can a person say they want a future with you and live in their past with you at the same time. 

How can you be in a relationship with someone who makes big decisions but doesn't involve you in those decisions? Pushes you out. I thought partners in serious commited relationships did these things together? 

They know what they have done. I've told them all of it. It hurt like I cannot even find the words for. It hurt because we had an amazing opportunity in life that doesn't always come by. I thought to me that it was real true long lasting love finally. 

I haven't come to terms with it. When I think about everything that has happened, my thoughts aren't good towards me. 

I really did stand by this person. I believed I was loved. Things went very wrong. I think they want to re enter into a relationship with me again. Discussion yet to be had. I'm not saying yes and I'm not saying no. I've changed so much. Everything that got said and done, made a huge impact on my self esteem and self worth. There has been incredible damage more towards me than herself. 

I feel if someone doesn't believe I'm worth them using their own head and getting relationship counselling in how to be a good and healthy partner, then my decision would be to not get back together. 

I'm grieving another huge loss and I'm hurt all over again that my hurt is invisible. 

What are your thoughts? Have you been in a relationship/s like this. I'd like to hear from others. I'm tired if felling alone and being lonely. 

The support and conversation is much needed. 

[Zoe7]

Hey @Powderfinger I remember from the beginning when you first came to us you were struggling with the inequities and hurt in this relationship. I think you hit the nail on the head yourself in your post - your self esteem and self worth was severely impacted so I would personally question if this is a road you want to go down or more importantly could tolerate again. Only you know that but in my experience, the longer we are put down and the more we are hurt, the more of ourselves we actually lose. Any relationship should indeed be a partnership - both parties working together to build their own lives, their own future and their own happiness. Sometimes we need to close a door on the past ourselves so we do not repeat history and can genuinely love and be loved.

The loss of any relationship is very hard and that grief is very real - and maybe in this instance it is the grief that is talking to you because you feel that loneliness. We often do things against our better judgement when suffering that grief so whatever road you choose to take or whatever decisions you make here also maybe allow yourself to grieve first.

[Powderfinger]

@Zoe7 

Hi,

I've seen you around the forums. I appreciate you sharing your thoughts. To your first suggestion for a question to ask myself, I already know the answer. ABSOLUTELY NOT. I have no tolerance left for it and no will to build tolerance for that ever again. 

I know I lost myself in the relationship. There's too much going on in my head to speak extensively. I guess to put it simply, I've disconnected from things. People, places and so on. I'll also say I am diagnosed C-PTSD with severe depression and anxiety. 

Living with this is incredibly hard. An unwanted present of severe childhood trauma and neglect. I know this illness is not my fault. I know that I do my best even in my insufferable days. Some partss of the relationship I was in, was extremely traumatising for me. It re opened wounds that I did not want opened. The damage of that happening was an afterthought every time. 

To be honest, I'm not in the right space to be in a relationship. The damage and hurt is too significantly huge. 

You are correct, there is grief, heavy grief, mixed in with deep hurt, anger, sadness and very little understanding. I was the one in the relationship and I am currently thinking where the heck did it all go wrong? 

You do reflect and look back. You see how it used to be and you see how it was towards the end. The contrast is also again significant. 

On to.of it, I thought I had found "my one". The girl I was going to marry and spend the rest of my life with. I had never felt the way I felt for anything new ekse I had ever been with, than I felt with her. That adds a whole other thing to also feel and feel confused. 

The confusion I have wasn't created by myself. It was created by verbal and non verbal communication. Why the heck wouldn't I be confused. 

I gave the relationship 100%. I was never half out nor half in. All or nothing. There is some places I go in my head that I do not like. They are dark thoughts. Not suicidal but just horrible thoughts. 

The thing is too, I am at a lot more than just one crossroads in my life. Trying to navigate with no compass, map nor directions. Not for now any way. 

Thanks again for sharing. 

[Zoe7]

Hi @Powderfinger What I see in your words is a reluctance (probably not the best word) to enter into this relationship again. I see how 'broken' this has all made you and how much of yourself you have lost throughout. In my experience when we are in such a one sided or abusive relationship, when we give everything and get little that is positive in return, then it is hard to recognise that it is a toxic relationship until we are out of it and can reflect upon it from a distance. 

Wanting that connection and that love with someone can often cloud our thinking when we so desperately want or believe the person we are with is 'the one'. Any relationship requires work, give and take and compromise but when that all seems one sided then it is not an equal partnership ...we then need to question if it is what we deserve in life and can continue to live with ongoing. Personally I do not believe this is any way to live life - we all deserve our needs and basic desires to be fulfilled and if that love is not returned then we deserve so much more

I too have CPTSD, depression and anxiety - mutiple and ongoing abuse until early adulthood - so I do get how the need to be loved and cared for in part stems from what we have been through and that fighting for that connection and love can also cloud the reality of the situation ...but for our own wellbeing it is sometimes necessary to break those chains and move on. That is not at all easy and the grief around that loss is immense - maybe more profound than others because of the heightened emotions we feel as a result of our mental health issues ...but there is a way forward - it is a slow process but one we can all get through with support and care from others.

I am more than happy to walk this journey with you @Powderfinger and provide some of that support along the way when yiu need it. I do understand how hard it is to break free of a toxic relationship and also how hard it is to 'get over' that loss - if that is the way you go. If you do decide to return to this relationship and give it another go then you will be doing so with your eyes wide open. Whatever you choose you deserve respect, care and love to be returned so keep that in mind in making your decision.

[Powderfinger]

@Zoe7 

Morning, 

I am just acknowledging your response for now. I have a fairly busy day ahead. I will respond to this when that is all over for the day and I am having my down time. 

[Zoe7]

I hope your day includes some good moments and you get to that down time sooner than expected @Powderfinger 👍😁 

[Powderfinger]

@Zoe7 

Thank you. It wasn't a bad day. I'm just very tired lately. We had 41 degrees here today. It's been like this for a week with no rain and no signs of cooling down. I've only just stopped for the day and it is 5:22pm. I have a headache starting. 

I'm going to reply to your post tomorrow. I need the rest of the day and night to really rest. 

I will say in brief, I liked your post and I look forward to conversing with you again. 

Stay safe and take care. 

Powderfinger. 

[Zoe7]

Look after yourself @Powderfinger That is the priority 

[Powderfinger]

@Zoe7 

I'm.trying to get much better at that. Looking after myself always meant protecting myself. It doesn't mean that anymore so I'm having to re learn. Talk tomorrow.

[Zoe7]

It really does take re-learning and a lot of effort to do that @Powderfinger I too had to do that - still learning myself but one thing I really needed to do in order to look after myself is find a better work-life balance - that I am also getting much better at but still working on.