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Something’s not right

tori_
Casual Contributor

I'm losing myself and I'm trying so hard to hold on and not get left behind

I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder years ago, but I was always a functional depressive person, so I feel like I never felt it take a proper toll on me, as it has now. I became an insomniac, I barely ate, I was so low, yet I still went to class, did my assignments, went to work and masked so well around others, I guess I fooled myself until the rollercoaster came by and took my mood upwards, where I could pretend everything was alright and I was okay again. 

This time, it's completely different and I don't know how to handle it. I can't function. I sleep but don't rest, I eat but don't enjoy, I can't focus on anything; mind alternates between blankness and overthinking everything. I am currently doing a post-grad degree that is extremely rough and time consuming and I am not keeping up whatsoever. I used to be the type of person that, when the deadline is looming, I would snap into action and make it work. Now, it's like watching the edge of the waterfall get near and do nothing to fight the currents. But it's not a choice. I can't push myself to try. It's like my mind and my body is not my own and I can't control it. Whenever I try to study, instead of trying to process what I am reading, all I can feel is utter panic at everything I don't know and what I still have yet to learn. 

 

There's still so much to say but I can't organize the words properly. I might post again if I'm able to organize my thoughts and feelings. 

 

if you have any recommendations on what I can do, I would appreciate it. 

13 REPLIES 13

Re: I'm losing myself and I'm trying so hard to hold on and not get left behind

@tori_  Sounds like you going through a hell of a time. Are you doing things you enjoy. Do you have a hobby.  Self care?


might be worth going for a re assessment with your GP or getting a referral to a psychiatrist for a follow up opinion. Re evaluate your mental health plan and medication. How does that sound?

Re: I'm losing myself and I'm trying so hard to hold on and not get left behind

Hi @Tori

 

Welcome to the forums. It sounds like a lot going on at the moment; and study sounds really overwhelming. I’m glad you’ve reached out for some support tonight.

Do you have anyone you can talk to when things get really tough? Any professional support or friends or family that are understanding? It’s so hard to be managing the stress of study on your own, it can be really isolating.

 

Please keep posting 

Re: I'm losing myself and I'm trying so hard to hold on and not get left behind

Hi @tori_ 

 

I hear what you are saying - you have managed to deal with it all up until now - even when things have been really dark -

 

But not now - I understand - I have been though dark times during my studies as a mature aged student and needed time off sometimes - it can happen to anyone - it's life getting us to take it easy sometimes.

 

I used to talk to the counsellors at the university - they were really good - I wasn't having trouble with my studies - I had a tough personal issue that dragged me down - my studies kept me going through all of that - and it's all in the past now.

 

I suggest talking this over with your coordinator or someone else on your campus - there are always people there to help -

 

I do wish you the best -

 

Owlunar

Re: I'm losing myself and I'm trying so hard to hold on and not get left behind

Welcome, @tori_ , it's good to have you here. 

 

Hvae you considered maybe going to the GP and explaining how you can't function, and getting on some meds (or getting a meds review if you're already on them?) I found my first psychiatrist swopping me to a stronger anti-depressant made all the difference to me and saved my life. (We're not allowed to mention the names of meds)

 

A handy forum tip is if you type @ and then click on a name in the drop-down box, that person will get a notification and won't miss your reply.

 

Good luck...

Re: I'm losing myself and I'm trying so hard to hold on and not get left behind

I can relate.  I use medication plus regular therapy / counselling and psychiatrist.  I call helplines regularly (sometimes daily) - LifeLife, Beyond Blue, SANE, Blue Knot.  I go for walks or to the gym when I am motivated.  I use a fantastic meditation app called 'Calm' which is worth the $80.  I have a nice morning routine where I go to the same cafe at opening time for coffee, read the paper, and chat to the oldies there doing the same.  It is a great start to my day.  

Re: I'm losing myself and I'm trying so hard to hold on and not get left behind

Not really. I am currently seeing a therapist but it's a university issued one with a maximum number of visits a year, which I've used up most of already. My next appointment is after finals, in a little less than 3 weeks. But I feel drowned and lost now and I don't know what to do to push through this. I feel like I can't survive it. 

 

My therapist has encouraged me to look into hobbies that serve as a self-soothe because my anxiety has become very crippling but I haven't found anything I can successfully relax with. Drawing, painting or using coloring books gave me even more anxiety, because I panicked over color choices, how perfect my lines should be (and messy they were) and more. Journaling is another one that many recommend but I feel like I cannot get a handle of my thoughts well enough to put them into paper, and scribbles and scratches or white outs also make me spiral (friends have encouraged me to get checked for OCD...). I bought a word search book to see if that helps and it only does so much; I still spend most of my time thinking about the time I am currently wasting on this when I am so behind on my school work and need to study.

 

My only real and true hobby is reading, but it's time consuming, which is not helpful to my studying dilemma. I can read 300-700+ pages in a day, I don't like to read books bit by bit, which makes it an issue when I need a self-soothe hobby for a short time frame so that I continue with my day. I have other interests, and I hyper fixate on them as well, but instead of self soothe, it just feels like a temporary method to hold the panic and anxiety back before it comes raging even stronger than it had been originally.

 

Thank you for taking the time to reply, @Little_Leopard 

Re: I'm losing myself and I'm trying so hard to hold on and not get left behind

@NatureLover , thanks so much for the tip! Still trying to get acquainted with this forum. 

 

I had gone to see a GP and put on antidepressants but I don't think she took my situation very seriously. It was the first time we met and I had a psychologist's referral, so she gave me the medication, but no refills and said my depression was due to my stress because exams were nearing (this was midterms, a few months back) and I'd be fine. I went back and asked if they could increase my dose and asked for a refill and was able to get it but nothing since. 

I'll try and get an appointment to see if there can be a change in medication or dosage. I believe I am on the first choice option, when it comes to medicating for anxiety and depression, but she would know my options better than me so I'll give that a go.

 

Thank you for taking the time to reply.

Re: I'm losing myself and I'm trying so hard to hold on and not get left behind

@Acacia thank you for taking the time to reply.

 

I am seeing a GP for meds (which I dont think are working well, so taking someone else's recommendation on my post, I'm planning to see them to get that checked) and seeing a therapist from the university. My issue is I am only allowed 6 visits for the year and I have used most of them up these last few months. She has been a light and a huge help but it's slow going. I will be referred to another, more specialized therapist after my exams are done, but every assistance I can receive, I feel like it will be too late. These next 2 1/2 weeks for finals are the most stress and anxiety inducing and I can't function. Don't know what to do.

 

I feel like I've done all I can and reached out for help but this has no quick fix and I still feel like I'm slowly slipping away.

Re: I'm losing myself and I'm trying so hard to hold on and not get left behind

@Former-Member this was actually very helpful, thank you.

 

I always thought my issues were never as bad and that I dont need to see a counselor, or go to a therapist or call hotlines, but I do need help, so I will give them a try. Thank you for taking the time to reply. 

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