Lived Experience Forum

ClockFace · ‎28-05-2023

I went to bed at a reasonable hour last night, I was going to bed early tonight but a few things got in the way then while I wasnt looking my sister went out so I had to wait for her to get home so she could do her medication. I woke up at midnight to my sister sleeping at the table, I went out for a smoke and came back in and she was awake so I told her to go to bed, she refused, had a couple go's a her. She ended up coloring in, its just defiance, go to bed and go to sleep its not a hard concept. I mean if I could and just sleep I would but I have to persist with waking every few hours.

I woke up all itchy again, I dont think Ive written about it before, but Im really itchy around my neck/chest area, next time I see a GP Im gonna have to talk to them about it. I cant see anything that looks itchy, my skin looks fine but it has a tendancy to drive me nuts, especially if I get hot in that area.

Im pretty sore, but mostly ok. Sitting down I seem fine, in comparison to pre-procedure pain. Walking Im alright but standing is a bit of a challenge. Standing has always been my biggest challenge. I have been thinking about the possablity of not being in pain and what that means for me. I think theres a few challenges to tackle. Because the pain has been ongoing for so many years my muscles would need to be retrained and will need to have some physiotherapy or something to rehabilitate my back muscles. Im concerned that familly will see me as being pain free and therefore able to do more than I am capable of because my back muscles are not up to it.

My sister is supposed to take all her medication at certain times of the day but removes the one that calms her brain down and allows her to sleep and takes it later, or not at all. If she doesnt take it she stashes it and gives it to one of her support team. I dont get it, why would you purposly avoid taking medication that helps you sleep. You should be taking it at the same time each day and go to bed at the same time each day. But what gets me most of all is she then winges that she hasnt slept for a day or 2. If you want to sleep take your meds and go to bed. If not dont winge that havent and just shut up about the choice you made.

Ive woken up in the morning, Im more stiff than in pain now. I have a bit of pain in the lower back and my neck is sore again but in general Im actually not to bad. I have to go pick up my glasses which will involve a bit of walking so that will be interesting. Im in a fair mood at the moment, I have a bit of hope today.

I went in to get my drinks and smokes and decided not to get my glasses, they are spares so desperate need for them and Im glad I did because I started to be in pain on the way home. I dont know that I would have managed walking to Specsavers in the shopping centre. My shoulders are causing me a lot of pain, they have been for a while but I was hoping it was the back thing but maybe its not, maybe its a seperate issue, which doesnt excite me.

My next thing is my pain medications, I am almost certainly addicted to it so I cant just stop. Ill have to speak to the pain specialist about how I go about coming off it and even if I do. The procedure is temporary, no idea how long it will last but not a huge amount of time I would think. So they might just keep me on it until I have the next procedure as that will give me longer term relief and worth going through withdrawals for. I just dont want to go through some of the withdrawals and then start back on them because the pain has returned. I had a small taste of withdrawals when we changed to the new pain medication and I am really not looking forward to going through full withdrawals so Id like to do it just the once, not start, stop and start again.

Money within the family is a touchy thing. I borrow money from Dad and it can be a bit of tense event but most the time it goes smooth. I dont get him to buy things when he goes out for me unless he has my card, though rare that I would ask him.

My sister on the other hand was always accomodating, or seemed to be. She would get stuff when she when in, she would also call and offer to buy stuff or just come out and say do you want XXX for tea. She always come across as generous to everyone but it has been getting twisted around to me asking for stuff and not paying you back or taking advantage etc. She complains about pretty much everything, but she has been setting me up to complain about things. Ive taken to if she doesnt have my card I dont get her to get anything, even if she is getting stuff for the whole family, I will sit out of it to save the eventual complaints and winging that will come later.

Mum complains about the number of times that we go into town, I go in once a day to get my stuff, thats it, 99% of the time. I look after myself then no one else has to. I prefer it that way cause then no one can winge that I am getting them to get my stuff all the time, I dont have to wait for anyone, I can have it in a routine, I get enough drinks to last 24hrs. I get my own drinks, smokes and my meals are delivered. I look after myself.

Sister goes in and often a few times or for several hours. Dad rarely goes in. Mum complains because people dont come and tell her they are going into town. I normally go in early in the morning, so she would still be asleep. I also dont feel the need to run around after people to find out if they want me to go somewhere else while Im in town for stuff they want. I just want to go in to the one store that I can get to without too much issue, get in an out and home. With my back pain I avoid walking a lot or far, I dont need to go from one shop to another buying things added to which paying for it becomes an issue. Mum wont pay for shit, so she expects you to pay for it and get the money back off Dad. Essentially you do all the leg work for her and if Dad decides not to pay or holds out on paying your out the money until its sorted. I live pay to pay I cant afford that, I cant afford the 3 day delay in transfer. I have settled that I deal with my stuff and I leave others out of it unless its at the same place Im going and they give me their card, in return they leave me out of their stuff. It might seem petty and maybe it is but Im sick of all the money BS. I have debts to pay with each, even though I dont believe they are totally fair, I want to pay them back, its gonna take years but if I can pay them back then I dont have to deal with them anymore. She was going on about me owing $6500, once she did some paperwork it turned out to be $4500 which if I can get her to provide me with the required information and evidence I can put in for a grant through work which hopefully will repay this money. But she winged about me borrowing this, it was ligitametly being used to cover my expenses when I ran out of money as I was spending everything coming down to see her in hospital, I only earned so much so it was a choice between paying for my expenses for the fortnight and seeing sister etc when I can afford it or borrow the money to cover both to make her feel better. But no its a big deal, its an issue and Mum, less so Dad have got involved and Ive had remarks from mainly Mum. I had to explain the above to Mum which I dont think she really cared about but she left me alone.

For the most part I look after myself at home, I do my washing, I do my own shopping, I look after my own finances, I normally help with cleaning the house. The car Im driving is my Mums as the engine siezed in my old one, Dad is buying me a good cheap car which the cost will be added to the bill I have with him. I deal with my medical stuff myself, though again Dad has assisted with the financial side of this. But I go to all my appointments and deal with all medical and psychological things (my sister regularly has someone attend though has decided to take it on herself all the sudden, though tends to forget what was discussed). Sometimes family ask how I am going or how I went with an appointment. I dont tend to go into detail at all, I give a general overview but unless it may impact them then I keep it to myself. I dont think they have a right to know the ins and outs of my medical/mental conditions. If Im reducing, changing, adding medication, etc then I would tell them. I used to tell them about illnesses etc but they down play, dismiss and minimise and I dont see the point telling them something they clearly dont want to hear about.

Maybe I should be more generous with my time and money, spontanious and offer to buy everyone tea. Maybe I should do more for people in the house. I see what the money thing does to the rest of my family, my sister is constantly saying Mum and/or Dad owe her money (and me ofcourse). I owe too much money, both in the family and externally to spend it on everyone else. I spend enough on me and have a tightish budget that I try and keep to. A meal for everyone is gonna cost quite a bit and Mum has a tendancy to latch on and ask for meal after meal. Added to which I havent been eating full meals for quite sometime, so if I buy a meal for everyone, that includes me that Im barely going to eat. Mum doesnt put her hand into her pocket for anything and she doesnt do a thing to help with the running of the main house. She just orders people to do shit for her. I do what I can housework type stuff wise. I might increase that with the treatment etc. but its been limited by my physical limitations. My sister really doesnt do much, she makes it appear that she is generous and paying for stuff but that is all a cherade, Im quite sure that she adds the costs of meals she bought to Dads bill and same when she offers to buy you stuff while shes out, Im sure that goes onto the receipt that is used to go onto Dads bill. Im also sure that stuff she buys for herself magically winds up there aswell. I find that really frustrating, I pay for my meals, I pay board. Dad does put some money towards my Lite n Easy but she doesnt pay board but Dad pays for all her meals, except she doesnt have a budget or give Dad a list of what she wants, she goes and buys what ever she wants and bills Dad, no matter how much it costs. I have serious questions that the bills my Dad gets from my sister are completely legit but Dad wont question it because my sister has my Mum behind her and Dad wont fight both.

I just went to have a nap, partilly cause I was tired and I was, but more so I needed to rest my back. Stiff, its I dunno, its really weird it feels really odd its hard to put a finger on what exactly is the problem. Stiff is as close to a good word to describe it but its not exactly right, it spasms and tenses up. I got out of bed at 4pm, which Dad had to make a comment on. The whole medication thing which tires me out seems to be getting missed still, Ive only been on it for ages.

What gets me is I woke up spoke to Dad, walked past my sister and neither said they were going out. I went out to have a smoke, came back in and both were missing and my sisters car. I have no idea where they have gone, when they will be back, nothing. It would have been nice to get a little information about whats going on, at least when they will be back. Turns out Dad had gone out the back and my sister went to the shops.

I was just talking to Dad, everything, well not everything but a lot of what my sister was complaining about with my Mum I am starting to question. No doubt my Mums a bitch and there are serious issues but you know theres things like collecting stuff for Mum, well there is heaps of stuff thats been collected by my sister for my sister. So yeah my Mum would add to it but its not like Mum had sent her out day after day my sister had a lot to play in that but she doesnt admit to that side of things. So it makes me question a lot of other stuff. The things that she says about Mum and basically tells Dad and I what to do and not to do with Mum, depending on the day. Thats the other thing, there is little consistantcy in what we should do and she doesnt stick to anything. Both Dad and I are sure that she will turn around and throw us under the bus the moment it gets real with Mum. We are at this thing where they are trying to resolve things between the family and Mum, my sister is saying stuff about my Mum in these meetings, there are witnesses but they now want to see my Mum so this is going to be relayed to my Mum. Thrown under the bus time.

My Dad got a message from my Mum this morning it was something along the special relationship that my sister has with her GP and Mum was jealous of that because Mum and Sister had a special relationship. You know its getting my Mum down etc. All I could think when Dad was telling me this, if Mum put 10% of the effort into having a relationship with me I wouldnt go days without seeing her, when we live in the same house. It would also feel nice to be wanted even a little bit.

Im trying to do something for Dad and clearly concentrating and yet she wont shut up, she does it all the time. Ill be typing and she will be making random comments and questions. Just shut up, Im not interested in little tid bits of useless and pointless bits of nothingness

I know Im not perfect, I get that. Theres things that I need to change and Im going about some of these changes and getting involved with psychs. I try to stay out of everyones way, do my stuff for me even when I am in pain, I even got in shit for this cause I would do this but not stuff for others, I do my chores, even when there are change after change in dog food. Essentially, I want to be allowed to live my life the way I can work it, I want to be understood and appreciated, I want people to understand my conditions and just accept the way things are for me. I appreciate that my conditions impact others, but I shouldnt be blamed for it.

tyme · ‎28-05-2023

Do you know if your council/municipality has activities in the neighbourhood you can attend? Just to give you a break from the house? @ClockFace . I know my council and neighbourhood community centres have light exercise classes, gardening, knitting, coffee and chat days, market days, yoga, pilates, craft sessions. They are all free and designed to engage the community.

Worth while looking around.

ClockFace · ‎29-05-2023

@tyme

Yeah that's what my support person is looking into. We gonna do GROW

ClockFace · ‎29-05-2023

I went to bed yesterday at 1pm yesterday and woke at 4pm. I really didnt feel myself, I kept getting a really weird headache, it was really bad, like it was trying to be a migrane but just not getting there. I felt really off, upset stomach etc. So I went back to bed just before 7pm and slept all the way through to 3am. Thats a full 8hrs, I havent slept that long in for a really long time, like I dont remember when the last time I slept that long without a break. I actually feel pretty damn good, my back is ok, there is a slight ache but its pretty good. I dont know whats going on but now I managed to eat a full meal and Im actually keen for more. Thats the first time in weeks that I ate that much but even longer that I want more to eat after that. Last night I fed the dogs, generally I have been having to break it out into sections and it would take like 20min. Last night it was one hit, from start to finish, I mean I had to wait for clarification on the dog biscuits deal but it wasnt my intention to stop and I wasnt in too much pain to continue. Today I had to take my Mum to get her hair cut, then she asked me to get some money out of her account, off I go, walk back to her, back to my car. Then drove over to the shopping centre and walked basically from one end to the other to go to Specsavers and back again. Then to the servo to do my normal thing. For me that is a huuuuggeee amount of walking and normally I wouldnt be able to do that in one hit at a time, I would have normally needed a lot of breaks, lots of sitting etc. but today one thing after the other with no break, no rests except for sitting in the car. I wouldnt say Im sore, Im heavy, like when I was doing weights and I had just done a full work out heavy. Which given I havent walked that far in years is understandable. I went back to bed at 5am and slept until 9am, so I slept heaps in the past 24hrs. I have a doctors appointment in an hour so I cant go back to bed. I need a script but I want to talk to her about the neck/shoulder pain Im getting and the headaches. Im assuming its from the procedure but I just gonna get it checked while Im there. The other thing Im going to discuss is the pain meds and me likely being addicted and how I go about withdrawing from them. I mean I know you dont just stop, do you reduce the dose, is there another med you use. Should I start now given how short a time frame the branch block relieves pain or do I wait until after the long term procedure? I dont know that Id be starting today but I want to know what I am looking forward too. Ive gone through alcohol withrawals before and that wasnt a fun process at all. Am I looking at the same kinda thing? When I woke up at 9am I noticed issues with my left hand, then into my elbow. Its like when you get pins and needles and its wearing off, it just wont wear off. I have Ulnar Nerve issues and was supposed to get surgery probably 2 years ago but was too heavy at the time. Ive lost enough weight that I would be able to have the surgery now, which I may do, but with everything else going on I have been putting it off, added to that its 6 weeks recovery time so I couldnt afford all that time off work. But given I am now on SCI I might see if I can get it done. At the moment its more uncomfortable than painful and its not interferring with anything really. Its like 12:30, Im about to leave to see the doctor, but Im exhusted, given how much sleep Ive had I really should be but I cant believe how tired I am. I really wish I didnt have the appointment because I just want to go to bed. I keep getting really hot, its freezing where we are at the moment, then I go back to being cold. Like t-shirt to jumper and Oodie. Added to the sleep and the nausea I keep getting I wonder if I am coming down with something. I dont think its anything overly nasty or I need to worry the doctor with and given everything going on Im not keen to raise another issue even minor. But if it continues then it might have to have a conversation about it with her. I keep having a weird feeling that time has passed but I wasn't present for it. Almost like I'm doing something and I wake and it's done. Like I'm tuning out for a while. It's really odd. Like I was removed from my body for a while then put back not knowing what my body has been upto in my absence and I got to catch up suddenly. Something has bothered me for ages, this concept of wifes/girlfriends training their partners. You know what I mean. If/when this was reversed there was outcry and amongst other things led to a revolution. There is this concept that women are supposed to be in charge in a relationship or its sexism or abuse etc. Women are now empowered and want equality and equal rights which I am all for. It really shouldn't be taken that I'm not. My question is how is it equality when you are training your partner to be the way you want. Why are you finding men with "potential" and designing a man that fits your mould or better put subjecating him, enslaving him to fit your desires for him. Yet if the same was done to you, you would call abuse and leave him. Why do we have this, who wears the pants mentality. Firstly that term still indicates the position of authority lies with men. Secondly, it states someone needs to be in charge in the relationship. That there needs to be a dominating person who makes the decisions. I think and maybe its part of the reason why Im single, two people, who love each other as is can decide together how and where they live where both parties have equal say, both parties are respected and loved for the person they are at any particular time, not trying to train or change each other but working to grow together. The whole thing of women dragging the man to councilling because he doesnt do this or he doesnt do that. You probably do and dont do heaps that gets on his nerves, difference is he isnt trying to change you. Now if you were going to councilling to grow together, to mutually resolve irritations etc thats a different story but most the time one person is trying to get other people to point the finger at your percieved failures and make you feel inferior. I just hate this culture where one group is treated less than equal to another and in the process of equality the other group is subjicated and speaking out is met with hostility from all sides. I was thinking on the way home maybe this is why my sister and I are having so many problems at the moment. She is not wanting equality between the two of us, she is wanting to be the boss in our relationship and change/manipulate me the same way my Mum does to my Dad. Me being me is very much against this, I dont want to be in charge of her, the things in her life that I have been forced to take control of I am actively trying to give back. Though its a bit different, I have this authority because she cant be trusted with them and not try and take her life. I on the other hand can make my own decisions and participate how I see fit. I dont need my sister dictating how I do things, what things I do and how I run my life. I am not her partner, I am not responsible to her, I dont have to refer to her regarding my life choices. Theres not even equality between us, there should be equality how our parents treat us but that doesnt happen either. So Friday I had injections into my, I am dealing with muscle challenges, spasms, headaches, neck and shoulder pain you know I havent been in this little pain for over 20 years so my back is adjusting to even being able to stand straight. I dropped Mum at her hair dressers appointment this morning, she had bought a second hand electric oven (Buy, Swap, Sell) and had them drop it off at the hair dressers. How she cant see thats not appropriate I will never know. Her appointment went long, Dad was gonna pick her up on the way to their doctors appointments, so he went to his and I had to go pick her up. So that means I had to pick up, days after a spinal procedure, the damn electric oven, which wasnt exactly heavy, heavier than Id want to pick up at this stage, but one side was heavier than the other which made it weird to carry and that really played with my back and I am not exactly in pain, but Im not enjoying the feeling. She got in the car and says it wasnt to heavy for you? Does it matter, I mean I have already had to pick it up and put it in the car. If you were concerned you would have sorted out a different solution to me picking it up. I spoke to a GP today, got my muscle relaxant script, though it took a little work, she was keen for me to stop using it, they are trying their best to reduce my medications, but just at the moment, days after a spinal procedure with me having spasms and I use it to minimise them waking me up while I am asleep. This was not the time to stop this medication and thankfully she saw it that way, eventually. I spoke to her about the headaches, shoulder and neck pain etc. I spoke to her about my pain meds. She referred me to my pain specialist. I have an appointment with him tomorrow morning, depending on what he says Ill then have to wait until I see my normal GP on Wednesday. Its not ages away but I have been trying to keep Wednesday mornings appointment for referrals, I dont see my normal GP for like 3 weeks and I really need these referrals. Its a bit of a juggling act with my doctors at the moment, I have my normal GP and a GP that deals with my pain medication etc. I had to do that because its hard to get into my normal GP and impossible at short notice to get in on a regular basis. Turned out the doctor I chose for dealing with my pain stuff has a reputation for being the best pain GP in the clinic. My normal GP is good with my mental health and other physical issues, she keeps up with it all, which is a challenge, Im living it and I stuggle to keep up with it all. The pain GP was primarily a requirement because of the regularity that I needed to see someone to get scripts. There was a big issue with PBS who sent all the docs I was seeing letters about the prescription of pain meds. They were able to sort it out but we had to minimise the number of GP's I was seeing to get pain meds. It was hard to get into the same GP regularly, especially when I was getting a few days or so of the initial pain meds. Now, with the help of my pain specialist and the pain GP we got onto the new pain meds which I could be prescribed for longer periods. My sister just came in from a meeting. They went to do something about getting this house, which I thought was all a go they were just waiting for a vacency. Turns out no and my sister finally found out why and thats because Centrelink have her down as owning her own house. She was winging that how did they not know etc and that they still had an old car listed blah blah blah. My sister said, bearing in mind she is on DSP, she did not know she needed to tell them. You mean your excuse is that they should have just known and it wasnt up to you to tell them your circumstances had changed, while recieving a pension from Centrelink. It never crossed your mind. Ive been on centrelink for 1 month in my life and even I know that you would have to tell them if you sold your house. Shes like this with a lot of things, I didnt know I had to this, I didnt know I had to that. Its not an excuse, its your job to know these things. You cant walk around life with your head up your arse saying I didnt know. She worked in the government for years, she knows what they are like. She has just bought a new car, bet you she knows her obligations inside and out but when/if she gets this house I guarentee you at some point, I didnt know. Man is she gonna know. She can be as mad as she wants that they didnt tell her sooner etc. but it was her responsibility to tell them years ago. I just assumed she would have. You know when we lived in her house, Dad did a lot of the running of the house, he took care of bills, he took care of garden, he did all the bits and pieces you have to do with your own house. She didnt. They had deals with who paid what bills wise, but Dad managed them, he made the payment and she chipped in her bit. They paid the deposit and she had a bill with them. She might have on paper owned the home but it wasnt exactly her house, she didnt do the things that make you a home owner. Dear old Dad, the guy you trash every second you can held your hand every step of the way and covered your arse. You wouldnt be able to do it without him. I will say she bought the house for everyone to live in instead of them going into a rental. So many things she wont sit still long enough to read and learn what she needs to know about the conditions etc. She will winge to me that she doesnt understand, it doesnt make sense. Whenever something techy is bought, I thought it would do this, I thought it would do that. Set it up for me. Then there is the can you help me decide, I dont know what to do, oh its all too much. She has a great knack for shifting responsibility to others and then blaming them when its not exactly what she wanted or she was locked into something she didnt want or it didnt work the way you described, as if Im an expert on how everything (especially tech wise) works and features installed etc. If you want to know the ins and outs of a ducks bum get in the water, dont send someone (especially someone not invested) to do the research and give you a report. I know I talk about my sister alot, our lives are pretty intertwined. We live together sure, but we spend a lot of time in the same room, we are both unmarried and help each other a lot. Im also in charge of aspects of her life due to her decisions, Ive been very involved in all that and she is trying to stand on her own again. But this stuff with her medication is doing my head in. Atleast 3 or 4 times a week she makes requests about more access to her medication. Seriously, her doctors and support people got together and decided to increase her access from each dose to having a day supply in hand at a time. She will then ask for more panadol, which didnt bother me cause she can buy it OTC so me giving her a small amount is neither here nor there. But then she wants access to her webster pack for extended periods of time, trying to get that time unattended. What I know is that the doc rang me and told me what they have decided and what they want me to do and thats it, thats what Im doing. It would be good if she could pull her head in, respect the decision and me and shut up. My back is really weird, Im getting random and regular spasms throughout my body, mainly back, shoulders and neck but some in arms and legs. But Im getting random pain in my lower back, like random punches in my lower back. Its not anything like the pain I used to be in and Im not really complaining because Im a million times better than I was. I had a laydown mainly because of this damn headache but it did calm my back for a while as well. My headache is really getting to me, as Ive said its this migraney thing, mixed with pressure. Its not bad enough that I am getting any visual issues, its like a subtle migrane, there enough to really hurt but not bad enough to have me in a dark room, in bed, curled up. I really wouldnt have imagined that I have all these words inside me, for a long time now I have been writing essays a day and posting them. There is so much more that I have to say. Im finding this really helpful to get all this out, to "talk" these things through. Its like a weight is being lifted off me, sadly the next day its lowered back down on me again and I write once more. I doubt anyone is paying alot of attention at this point which is understandable, you only have so many hours in the day and I doubt many hae enough spare to read through all my carry on. As previously written about they are reducing my medication that stops me shaking, mainly my hands. I thought they were going to increase it to combat anxiety in general but they decided that cause it can cause depression they would cease it. They are hoping that increasing the dose of a med I take will do the same thing. So far my shaking is increasing, a fair bit in fact. The increase in the other med isnt cutting it. I have the GP that handles this on Wednesday so I will be talking to her then. Holy shit, getting settled for bed time and my sister tells me that shes told Mum its ok for her to use the car I drive. I have no issue with that, I have a pain specialist appt in the morning which is from home and Ill go with Dad to the family thing. Both are in the calandar but as I tried to explain to my sister there are more things I use the car for than going to appointments. So I wanted to know what time she needs the car, this all was an issue. As I explained to Mum who actually listened to me, I just need to know when I need to have my stuff done by so she can have the car when she needs it. Like I will shift my life about so you can do what it is that you will do, all Im asking is some guidance as to when you would like to do those thing. But no there has to be a shit fit about it and instead of listening you already make up yoour mind that Im a bastard and want the car all to myself or something. When my sister and I shared the car the same thing happened and the same reasoning etc I had and it was just about accomodating others, trying to ensure that the car was available to them when they wanted it, something that wasnt done for me.

Dimity · ‎29-05-2023

It's great that your back is better and walking is easier @ClockFace

ClockFace · ‎30-05-2023

Im really keen to get back into my routines again, I dont know how to go about it though. Im sleeping heaps and at random times, so that makes schedualling things really hard. Then there is the fact Im going to be back in pain again soon enough so any routines I get into will go out the window again and I think I will feel really shitty if I start then stop soon after.

Bloody Macca's Coke. I go in to town each morning for drinks and smokes. I buy a days worth at a time primarily cause I cant carry more than one days worth but also because Im trying to quit smoking. My sister has a thing for Macca's Coke and keeps asking me to take her to get it when we're out and this morning, she asked me to go get her one while I was in town. I wasnt happy about it. A) its $5 and Im on a reduced income, hence the giving up smoking thing. b) I hate waiting at the drive thru etc. The people serving are rude and abrupt, cant hear you, ask if thats all, it just shits me. Initially I said no but decided to get it for her purely based on I couldnt deal with another spit from Mum about it cause the sister would run to Mummy and winge that I didnt get her a damn Coke. Thats how she wins, the same way Mum wins, wearing you down, making it so uncomfortable and frustrating to say no to anything she wants because she will twist it a little and complain to Mum and then Mum will go to Dad and Dad not wanting to deal with the ten tonne of shit from Mum will have a go at me. Shit down a pole, always ends up on the bottom.

We have family therapy -1 today, you know the one my sister thought should be more about her. Turns out she doesnt want to go today, like really doesnt want to go. Given its about her I think she doesnt have that choice and given since the first session I didnt want to go anymore but Ive been going she can harden up. She has screwed it up for both Dad and I, wanting it to be more about her, Dad said it, she cracked the shits. I really feel that we arent wanted there. Im struggling to find the point, everyone needs to be willing to change but they dont seem to be and I cant imagine Mum will be either, Im really not looking forward to her finding all this out, nor the backflip that my sister will do when it all comes out. I dare say she will be quiet or say minimal that she cant twist around and make it sound that she didnt mean what she said.

Turns out that Mum wasnt as understanding about the car thing for today. That was a shit fit with Dad. I dont know the ins and outs of it but whe wasnt happy about it all. That did make me think, how much can I trust what Dads saying either. He has been caught out on more than one occasssion, that said he was caught out by Mum and/of sister and I know I cant trust them. Im really starting to think I cant trust any of them, they are all playing this game, I dont know what the end goal of the game is but they are playing it and trying to get me involved and I dont want to be. I just want to have a peaceful life, tranquil. I have enough issues and shit with my mental health I dont need made up crap, I dont need Days of our Lives. Mum cant be straight with me when we talk, but goes behind my back and winges to Dad, who apparently walked out on her. I was trying to make sure she had the car when she needed it, I was tryinging to be thoughtful but no Im a arsehole. If I dont get my sister a Coke then that goes back to Mum.

I had my appointment with my Pain Specialist, so have confirmed that I have Sacroilliac Joint Dysfunction and additionally Lumbar Facet Joint Dysfunction. I will call him when the pain returns and they will book me in for RF Ablation. The pain in my neck and shoulders and the migraney thing all probably relate to how they had me laying during the procedure. The back pain I have would be due to the procedure itself. He expects that my pain will return within the next 10 days, which I am so looking forward to. Im to continue with the pain reliefe that they have me on, there is no point going through wiening me off that and the withdrawals associated for the pain to start again. We will do that once the next procedure has been done. So I have 2 sources of pain in my back, putting me in a group of 10% of back pain sufferers. I have going back into pain to look forward to before another procedure which will give me longer time without pain, which I am looking forward to. I am glad I get on well with my Pain Specialist because I will have a long relationship with him coming up. The ablations arent permanant, they last a good amount of time but the nerve eventually regrows and the ablation needs to be redone.

So, family therapy -2 today. My sister had her support person this morning so she went down with her. Dad and I came down together. By the time we got there my sister was there, but she wasnt preparing for the meeting, she was telling them that she wasnt up to coming. So they drove into the city and went all the way to the business to tell them that she wasnt coming. This was news to both Dad and I and we were both pretty ticked off. This is mainly being done for her benefit, we are going because she wanted to do it. Then to get to session 3 and just bail that wasnt fair. Though we did take the opporunity to talk about my sister a bit and the comparisons between her and our Mum. Some of the issues I/we have with her etc. We talked about Mum and just a lot of random stuff. Dad let a huge worm out of the can, it looks like he is finally giving in and he is leaving within the year. He is looking potentially going to Bible School in USA. Which I think is cool, Im not overly swinging that way but its a dream hes had so Im all for him chasing it.

This will rip apart the family though, Im not saying it shouldnt happen, its just a fact that each family member will be flung in different directions. My sister is already looking for a house though government assistance. Mum and I will have to find places to live, seperately of course, Im not living with my Mum by myself. Im nervous because of my financial situation, being financially capable of living on my own. I dont know what the plan is about the money I owe Dad. I really cant see myself being able to pay him back and having my own house. Im keen as because I have been looking for a way to escape the current living arrangement. My first issue is financial but the guilt and ties to being at home helping look after everyone is pretty strong. I cant just up and leave owing Dad money and leaving Dad to care for Mum and sister. But this, if it happens, is my out, its my way of escaping the entrapment and I can be free.

Sister got home and she was carrying on that she couldnt do it today, she does appointments like this every day of the week. Now I see her calandar, she has a support person twice a week, who she was with today when she ditched our appointment. Then maybe twice or three times a week she spends an hour with someone. Its not that huge of a committment. I really dont care that she said that she couldnt, its important and needed to be done.

Before and after the appointment we did a fair bit of walking, for me at least. My back is no better or worse than before but my legs ache so bad, like intensily bad because I havent walked that far in one shot in years. Its gonna take a while to build up my muscles again, again its been years, well decades since Ive been in this little amount of pain, so there is a bit of muscle degredation.

My sister is on the hunt for dope, shes asked me, wanted me to see if my only friend had connections, shes now asked her peer support worker. Im not against dope, medically it has a great purpose and I have used it medically. But buying from an untrusted source and smoking it is kinda dumb, Ive been there and done that. Given what she is going through and medication she is on it would be really dumb to introduce pot. It concerns me that she is seeking this out in the first place. This is where support from an actual psychiatrist would be useful.

Unbelivably she just asked how early is too early to take her night meds. I said I didnt know, I said what time do you normally take them, she had no idea. How the hell am I supposed to indicate what time is to early if you dont know what time you have usually been taking them. I could say 7pm and shes been taking them at 11pm and it impacts her. I usually go with 2 hours before the time I normally take them if I want to go to bed early or something. I dont know why 2 hours but its been good by me so I stick to it, I must have heard it at some point, I been on meds for over a decade.

My Mum was going to drive a bit of distance away to pick crap up while we were in our meeting today. She was going to do this alone as we were all out. She just asked if she could have the car tomorrow, which is fine as she didnt do it today shes going to do it tomorrow. Now I am very much against me picking up crap for her, I have said no countless times. My sister comes in and asks me to go with Mum, she will drive, I just go with her. The concept that, that is still me going and picking stuff up seems to be missed on my sister, who had a great excuse why she cant go with Mum. She thinks Mum is nervous about driving that far or something. Mum hasnt driven for I dont know how long. I do understand what my sister is saying and asking, its just not a game I want to play. If Mum is concerned about driving that far, which she should be as its outside the bounds of what her doctor has stated she can do, then she shouldnt go. She is ticked off cause neither Dad or I will go an get it and trying to prove some point, though to my mind the point being made is she can get off her arse and do it herself. The game is that I go with her, its not really collecting stuff its just going for a ride. I mean a couple hours in a car alone with Mum is not appealing, not remotely. But I dont want to spend my time collecting things, not when we have a house full of shit already and then some. I dont want any part of her hoarding, I want it to stop not encourage it, Im not going to faciltate Mum doing it in any way. Added to which, while my main issue with my back is kinda dealt with, Im sore from the procedure and I did find that driving in the car today with Dad aggrivated things. Then there is the thing that it wont take long at all for the Mum driving thing will turn into the me driving thing. I also think part of it is my sisters anxiety about Mum driving turned to me doing something about it, her giving me a job, her having control over me and my actions. Its not her job to try and make me do things of any nature, its certainly not up to her to manipulate me into doing things I have said I wont do anymore.

I know she is going to go and complain to Dad and try and make him make me go with Mum so I preempted that and spoke to Dad first. I explained the situation and said that regardless of what is said Im not changing my mind. That Ive been clear that Im not doing the whole picking up shit thing anymore and Im not participating in any way. If Mum isnt sure she should be driving, if she is concerned then she shouldnt be going. The doctors have set a limited range for her to drive for now and she should adhere to that and pull her head in about this, I think its a cot that she wants to do up, which she never will. Seriously, she needs to stop thinking/believing she is better than everyone including the doctors and do what she is told, again she wont. FFS she is in heart failure and still smoking. I know I smoke, but heart failure, thats kinda serious, they have been telling her for years to stop and its now really serious so maybe its time to listen to them. When they say local driving, its to get you used to driving again, dont make everyone else drive you do the doctors, hairdressers etc, all within her range but she wont do it, she wants something outside that range and all the sudden shes gonna drive. I really dont want to participate in any of it, get used to driving again and build up ur tolerance, be responsible, grow as a person, most of all if your not going to do any of that, stop expecting everyone else to do the same, especially when its to your selfserving and corrupt requirement. I think there is a lot to be said about parents having expectations etc on children, but a) Im well an adult now and its my expectations of myself that I am trying to live up to. b) when the parent is more a child than the children were 30 years ago they kinda lose their right to have a say. c) I dont need to live up to the expectations of others, I determine who I should be and my own values. I determine things based on the people around me, not just my parents. That should be respected, even sought after by the parents and my decisions etc. should be again respected and honored as much as they expected that of them when we were growing up.

Yesterday night I forgot about my sisters medication, I gave it to her and she put it on my side of the table but said nothing. I saw it but didnt really register and left it down. I saw it when I got up in the night and thanked her for not doing anything but she still dobbed on me to Mum who then ofcourse told Dad. I made a mistake, I get it but it didnt need to be dobbed about, it didnt need to be a thing, it was a couple hours. But if anyone else wants to step up and deal with it and be sure they wont make any mistakes over months then be my guest. I didnt ask for this, it was dumped on me. I wasnt given a choice or a say in the matter it was just expected that I would take care of it. They dont get the stress involved, I mean it should be really simple and straight forward but my sister makes it as difficult as she can as often as she can. She tried to take hold of 2 days worth tonight and when I went to get them, she went to argue but figured better of it. We do what the doctors have said, nothing else, so do argue, dont bargin.

ClockFace · ‎31-05-2023

Mum has been talking about ending her life, getting a new car, moving out etc Basically, if anyone has a right to do these things its her. Dad is basically brushing it off and/or ignoring it. He cant cope with more than one person wanting to end their life. His purpose at the moment is to stop my sister my sister doing anything, she has actively tried so thats his focus. I cant work out how he is activly participating in stoppoing my sister doing anything further, except going to the family therapy thing, which he winges about. I mean he is the one who dumped me with her medication and is aware of my stress etc surrounding it and not once has he offerred to help or take over doing it. He can see the problems its causing me and the rift its causing between my sister and I and he is happy to leave it with me, he is not willing to step in and take over. Even after I have said Im going to give it to Mum to do because she was being a bitch or complaining because I made a mistake.

I dont know what Dad is supposed to do about Mum saying she wants to end her life, the therapist at Family Therapy said to ring an amulance. I kinda get Dads response or lack of one to Mum but he clearly has the same for me. I have been open with him and told him that I am really struggling, Ive told him that the only reason I havent is because I dont want my sister to grow old alone. The more she pushes me away, the splitting of the family so we would all be living in seperate homes, that makes that reason less of a reason. It makes me feel less of a purpose in sticking around. Thankfully, Im currently in a good spot, I am potentially going to be in a pain free environment, Im going to be getting mental health help, life medically is taking a turn for the better. Though, financially, on my income I dont know how I am going to afford any of it, especially if I am going to be living alone. Dad leaving for the USA would mess that up considerably. Dad splitting the family in general will mess it up. But regardless of how I am feeling, expressing that to Dad has no sway on how he feels. He cant cope with the concept that I want to end my life as well as deal with my sister attempting to do so. It is pretty hurtful that he cant be there for me as well as my sister, yes my sister is probably in a worse place, though she has a heap off external support, Dad is worried what happens when that goes, it would be good if he put aside a little understanding for me and protected me from my sister and to an extent my Mum. But you know tell my sister to pull her head in sometimes when she is having an issue with me, where I am actually right. Not leave me out to dry with both my sister and Mum teaming up against me. I feel like I am in a battle with my sister and/or Mum and Dad is just spectating from the sidelines or shelling me from the sidelines when my sister complains but completely ignoring my requests. And its not even like my sister and I have equal weapons she has a automatic with endless suppy of ammo where I have a 6 shooter. Thats a weird analogy but its the best I have.

My sister has all this external support and both Dad and I are supporting her at home, as much as she resists it we try. However, I have very little support externally and at home, most the time at home I have the opposite of support, as often as I get support I am thrown under the bus 100 times. My sister has some extra support because she is on the NDIS and of course she has been hospitalised twice so she has some support for suicide prevention. She winges about being out all the time, talking about this shit, thats why she couldnt do the Family thing today, she doesnt appreciate all the help she is being offered, she doesnt understand how much support is being thrown her way, how many people are trying to help her and make sure she is ok. Me on the other hand, I feel like I have the scraps, little in the way of support services, both internal and external and any which way I am dealing with it all on my own. I cant come home and talk about whats going on whith my supports, if Im progressing or not, most of the progression I am making is essentially on my own, my own effort. My sister is putting in minimal effort, as far as I can see and relying on her supports to move her forward. When its gone, how is she going to cope, has she learnt any ski!!s, techniques etc to cope on her own. Even if she has, she is walking on a spiders web and when the weight of her issues is squarly on her shoulders and her supports holding her up I am worrie that she will fall through that web and we will be back at square one. At least the route Im going I am growing independantly and building a firm foundation. Im going to fall through again, but I will have something to hold onto to get back up again.

I am in a financial hole. Ive been in it for years, it started with getting a credit card and a loan and basically going to town, PS3, big screen, new furniture etc etc. Bit of a Bipolar episode that put me 10s of thousands into debt. I managed repayments for a while but ended up defaulting as I got sicker. Then Mum and Dad moved me closer to home, I was out of it on medication and didnt pay rent etc again thousands of dollars. Eventually I owe currently close to $60k externally and another $20k within the family. $5k of which hopefully will be covered by a grant through work. Im now on a reduced income as I am on SCI and they only pay 80% of my pre-injury income which wasnt a huge amount due to all the time off sick. My sister likes to ask me to buy her things when I go into town, which I have been getting her card for as I am trying to watch my money and buying, then getting repaid is annoying hassle that screws my math and I just dont trust I am getting my money back. I mean she borrowed over $100 and when I asked why I hadnt had it repaid she said she just used it on stuff she bought for me, thats not what was agreed upon. How did she spend roughly the amount she borrowed. I dont even remember asking her to get stuff, I remembered and asked some time after she borrowed it. Now today Im going into town, on the way there she sends me a txt asking me to buy her smokes, I said I didnt have her card and she said she would transfer the money. I waited, no transfer. I ended up buying the smokes because it would be a shit show if I didnt. I got home and she had all the excuses under the sun for why she didnt tansfer the money and I said ok, transfer it now. Still not done. She has her phone in her hands, its a 30sec job but no. So that just firms up the no card no buy thing. I spend enough money on smokes and drinks etc. to make it hard on myself now I dont need her assistance.

The thing that really ticks me off with this, she just bought a new car, everyone owes her money like lots of money, she always seems able to help. Financially she is a lot better off than me. She, with the parents help, bought a house and obviously made good return when she sold it. Because her income is pretty minimal. I dont hold it against her, but she has the money, stop rubbing it in, stop making hard on me, who does not.

Mum and Dad are the same, they have a bit of money behind them, they worked hard for it. They have helped me out heaps with it. But dont expect me to have a surplus of money constantly available when Im on an ok income but have massive debt and massive medical bills.

They treat me as if I should have tens of thousands behind me, like this endless supply of money, mainly my sister and mum, two people who put their hands out to Dad for free cash when ever they want to. Dad buffers my sister and pays for my Mum, they have no idea on the actual cost of things. They have no idea how much it costs to run a house now, how much doctors/specilist/procedures cost and add up when there is multiple a year. I mean Im up to my 5th procedure for the year and I have atleast 2 more to go, maybe 3. Each one of those is several hundred bucks, not to mention appointment fees etc. When your income is ok, lower end of ok, and you have all the above you dont have much money spare to put aside. Then add being a smoker etc and well money gone. I want to give up smoking and am working with a support network to do that but it will take time. It would be really good if they treated me with some understanding financially, but why would they they dont give me any understanding in any other area.

I saw my GP this morning, turns out I have high Lithium levels, a symptom of which is hand shaking so my hands shaking that we stopped with more medication might have been high lithium levels. Would have been great 6 or 9 months ago my GP at the time realised this. So we are reducing that and hopefully will prevent Lithium Toxicity and Seritonin Storm, which I have had a taste of previously and dont want to do again. Im boarderline anemic again, so that might be part of the reason I want to sleep so much, I mean you have the pain medication and just the effort to do anything with the pain. We did the referrals for the Psychiatrist I want to see and to the business for a psychologist which will select a suitable psychologist for me. Organised some more breakthrough pain medication and she told me how to deal with this infection thing I have. It was a really long appointment like 45min but we got a heap done, I feel like we are making some progress

The pain in my back has started to return, which is disapointing, I was hoping for a bit more time without all the pain. But I contacted the Pain specialist and have been able to get in on the 21st June, much sooner than I expected.

So Mum decided not to go to pick this crap up, I went down to put the stuff for my infection in the bathroom, she was all sad face on the phone to her best friend, who lives in another state. I think she truely thought if she pouted and put if off long enough someone would take her, she really doesnt get that we are all sick and tired of picking up shit, driving in general. I mean my sister and I do heaps of it for medical appointments and Dad does his share taking the rest of us to appointments we cant go to alone, procedures etc and Mums appointments. We really dont need to add more driving for no reason to the list, I mean if we got this shit she would never do what she is saying she would do, we have sheds full of that promise. Not to mention my pain is coming back, so I dont want to drive long distance and I cant shake this stupid migrane/headache thing.

It amazes me, Im not working at the moment, Im on Salary Continuance Payments due to mental and physical issues and my days are still pretty full. I mean I sleep a fair bit a lot of days and I write on here heaps but there is always medical appointments and shit to do at home, like I only really look after the kitchen area, though not as much as I used to but there is always trash to go to the bin, cans to go outside, crap on the counter, dogs to deal with. Im not saying Im running around like a headless chook but there does seem to be a significant amount to do, though my sister is basically out all the time or coloring in. She doesnt seem to want to do anything at home, quite happy to make a mess, particularly of the kitchen counter. She cant work out what a rubbish bin is for or how to put anything away. Dad is a shit to, he makes a sandwich on the counter and then leaves the crumbs and wonders off but he has got better since he has had to start helping me.

We are 4 adults living in one house, you would think we could take care of ourselves, pick up after ourselves etc but no. I mean my sister cant even do her own laundry because she "cant stand the smell in the laundry". Seriously that is the lamest reason and she has heaps of laundry. Dad apparently told her she will need to take some to the laundry mat and do it there as he cant get through it (yes thats how much she has). Its winter, the lounge is full of her crap so we can only put up one indoor clothes line not the 2 we have. So we cant dry clothes fast enough, Im constantly running out of clothes because Dad is washing load after load of my sisters clothes and at some point I have to get prioritised to get a load or 2 done. 4 adults, you think we could co-exist but Dad and I (more Dad at the moment) do the majority of the housework. Dad looks after Mum. Mum doesnt do anything external of her room, but adds a lot of work externally. As I said my sister is out most the day, be it medical appointments or just shopping and wandering around, I have no idea what she does with herself all day. But she does a great job of being away enough that she is too tired to help at home.

I got the confirmation of the procedure on the 21st. Also got the cost, theres an error but reading between the lines Im looking at another $2000 upfront with $1100 out of pocket, which is a lot to come up with every 6-9 months along with regular cystoscopies for my bladder cancer and costs for Psychiatrist and Psychologist, that doesnt take into account all my regular medications and medical appointments. I honestly dont know that I am going to afford to be this sick. Ive gone to Dad for the next procedure costs and even he is getting stretched, but that is partially because of his plans that he is working on.

Im in a really foul mood tonight, so Im going to bed early or Ill say something and make life at home worse, or at least make tonight worse. I have this headache/migrane thing again, Ive had it most of the day, on and off but most the day. Its really making the day hard and driving me a bit batty. My back pain is coming back so that got me down first thing this morning and as it gets worse so does my mood. It was a full on day with medical appointment being 45min, a lot mental health so hard. The money thing is difficult and getting to me. Im gonna be emailing my financial councillor tonight and fill him in.

I told my sister that I have my procedure on the 21st and she was so unenthusiastic about it, like she didnt seem to care. I mean 20 years of contstant and increasing pain and I finally have a resolution you would think she would be at least a little excited for me, show some enthusiasm but no. Then Im wandering around and her and Dad decide to get take away steak for tea. They watch me put my tea in the microwave and dont even bother to offer for me to join in, I find out part way through heating my tea. The steak is because my sister is anemic, not that one steak would do much, but funny thing I told them both I was boarderline anemic and I told my sister that I would like a steak as well. Though its gonna make a late night and I want to bail on today and its an $18 steak so I would expect anything amazing. Maybe Ill treat myself in the near future to a decent steak.

The random spasms and twitching along with shaking hands are really getting to me. Not having full control of ones body is hard and I feel for people that live with it permanantly. Its not like Im dangerous or have arms flailing but its this weird movement of my body that I have no contol of, no notice that its going to happen, its not painful for the most part, sometimes its a bit of a pinch. It just stops you doing what your doing briefly, I mean you move and you instictively just stop all movement as if to reset and go again, but its happening a fair bit and in all different parts of the body, except the legs, I dont have them in my legs/feet. Then there is the worry of it getting worse, maybe its not medication, maybe its not the back maybe I have a movement disorder and this is just what I have to deal with, or it gets worse and worse. It could be my back, the changes from the injections and the upcoming changes from the ablation, it could be the cause, not the hands of course, so maybe I have to do physio and get my muscles back in order and build up muscles from under use.

I seem to keep resolving issues and opening a box with a heap more. I just cant close an issue off, I mean worked out my back, procedures for life. Find bladder cancer, procedures for years. There is find an issue and resolve with my back to find its a different issue and we need to fix that now. I am really hoping that when the fix this issue they dont unbox another one.

As I said I am grumpy tonight, Im not feeling very positive about things. Im happy I dont have to wait months for the next procedure and that it wont be long that I am back on the pain free bus. I am pretty ticked off that my pain is returning, I really hoped for longer, but I was always going to, it would always be one more day, one more week and it will be in the future.

I want to write more, my head is kinda going but not, its weird hard to explain but there are thoughts just not coherent maybe. Today has been a pretty emotional day, a really hard day. Hopefully, while I know I am likely going to be in more pain when I wake up, the hope is I am more accepting of my pain situation. I got to keep in mind that its 3 weeks to my procedure, only 3 weeks. But that also feels like an aweful long time when you have had a taste of pain free, that freedom so many take for granted. Im gonna have to work on strenthing my legs etc when I have the procedure but you know once thats done and if I can keep up with the procedures then Im going to be a lot better overall. Ill have something I havent had in 20+ years and that is the freedom to move and walk to my hearts content, not limited to how long I can go before I need a break. I wont have to argue with family about limitations, just what Im willing to do. Anyhow this is it for me tonight, Im in pain, Im sick of twitching and spasms, hopefully I can sleep and that be that.

tyme · ‎31-05-2023

Hey @ClockFace ,

It sounds like your dad just 'turns off' to whatever your mum says? Seems like this is his way of coping?

ClockFace · ‎02-06-2023

I went to bed at 8pm, a bit later than I was aiming for but I didnt say anyhing to start anything last night so its ok. I woke up again at 9:30pm, wasnt up long, mainly long enough to pee. Then again Im up at 1am, this time I needed to drink, Im not sure why but I downed a Monster in around 10min and am on my second, I dont see that lasting long either. Im typing and its like my hands keep bouncing off the keyboard the twitching is that bad and its happening a lot. Again, I dont know why its happening. My migrane thing is persisting, its still there and doesnt want to go anywhere.

Its 1am as I said and my sister is still up, I have no idea why, I expect that she hasnt had a particular night med. She doesnt take it regularly, which is just dumb, it helps her brain slow down and for her to sleep. But its a med that works best if you take it regularly. She doesnt sleep for days at a time, doesnt take her meds, then sleeps at the table and winges that shes so tired, "you have no idea". Thing is I probably do, I have gone days without sleep but I also did 5.5 months of back and forth to looking after her, that made me pretty exhusted, I did that while suffering from serious mental health problems and back issues. So yeah I think I have an idea. But that said, no one experiences anything more intensily than my sister. Pain, I have no idea. Sleep I have no idea, Mental health no idea. You know, she just shits over everyone else suffering wise. Thing is Ive had my fair share, I wont say Im worse than anyone else but my diagnosis, medication and procedures all indicate that I do have an idea, a really good idea and maybe that should be appreciated. Added to which, in my mind a fair bit of what she is dealing with I think is somewhat self inflicted. Have your meds and go to bed at night, thats really not a hard one in my mind, 99% of people in the world do that, well maybe not have their meds but they go to bed and sleep. With her pain, settle the hell down, pace your self, dont take on so much, stop thinking there is so much to do, this is more pre-hospital. She is winging less about pain now than she did before she went into hospital. It sounds like that her doctors are stopping prescribing the strong pain killers that I use for breakthrough pain to her. She didnt take much but still relied on it and now she wont have that crutch to lean on when what she has runs out. With her mental health I dont want to say that she put herself into that position, but she wasnt active in minimising/preventing. She didnt say no to Mum, she kept offering to get stuff while she was in town, like she would go into town, go to the shops and then ring Mum and ask if she wants anything and get a shopping list everytime, or an order for takeaway. Then she would have to pay for it and try and get the money back from Dad. Mum would ask her to go pick something up and she would just do, bone tired, sore, worn out and she would do it rather than say no. She seems to have expected someone else to step in and put an end to it. But Mum doesnt listen to Dad and I, I dont care, Dads going that way but she has more sway over Mum than we have. No one, well I do but no one else says no to Mum, its not the side stepping, indicating etc, the actual word no. Its important to say the word NO rather than leave room for a yes, saying maybe, leaving a little wiggle room etc, you got to say NO, my sister and Dad are really bad for that. I think some aspects of mental health is imposed on the sufferer, they have no choice, but there is an element that we make it worse by our actions or inactions. My sister expected others to step in and left herself open to further damage by not doing anything for herself. Which is a common theme for my sister, she leaves the hard stuff to others, without asking them to do anything, just expecting they will on their own accord.

One of the things I have learnt with having so much back pain is prioritising. Even with pacing and planning etc there are going to be times when you cant achieve everything you want or need to achieve so you have to prioritise what is most important, what is most achivable and most impactful. My family looks at the situation and puts their head down and charges head first into the lot and does themselves serious damage in the process. Then they do that day after day and well you can only do that for so long until you cant do anything. Ive been there and I have no intention of doing it again. They look at me doing the prioritisation thing and think Im lazy or not helping etc. But Im protecting myself, Im in for the long haul no a short stay. It was this that got me into strife with not taking my sister to get a coke but I can get my drinks in the morning etc. My drinks are a priority because I need fluids and Im addicted to smoking. But a once off coke, going through congestion and a long line at maccas isnt to me, its a want of someone else at the expense of my anxiety. See I dont just look at the cost in financial terms but also physical and mental health terms, what is it going to cost me in those departments and its me paying, so am I willing to pay that cost. Getting my drinks means a short term increase in pain because Im lifting a bit of weight, the trade off being I have drinks and smokes for the day, so yes willing to pay the cost. Even if I didnt have to weight up the physical and psychological costs, just being a human, independant, capable of decision making etc etc I should be able to decide if I want to deal with the traffic and wait for a Coke for someone else.

I went and saw my support person, we had a general chat, got her up to speed on the procedures etc. Talked about NDIS and we have a bit of plan, basically we are gonna wait until after the next procedure make sure that it works etc and then put an application in. Im gonna join Grow, will look into that tomorrow. Also stop smoking stuff, Im gonna hopefully look into that today or at worst tomorrow. I am gonna ask my sister to stop smoking at the table when I stop smoking. Im gonna need all the help I can get. At the begining the other person that works with her was there and overheard the stuff about my back and was interested, I know he didnt mean that negatively but it was like I was some kinda case study, it was very cold, not seeing the person but he was astounded at the costs I am under for procedures etc. How many procedures Ive had this year etc.

Its Mum and Dads birthday at the end and begining of the month, my sister asked for the money Im spending on them. I dont know why she is asking for the money a month out from their birthday, well 6 weeks from Mums, more so I dont know why when she knows that I am effectively broke at the moment. I get 80% of my income, which was reduced anyhow to begin with, while my medical costs are going through the roof. How does she think Im going to have the money at the moment, and why does she feel she has the right to ask for it this far out.

In 20min I have an appointment with an excercise physiologist, I have absolutly no idea what to expect. I am going to talk to her about physio but apart from that, no idea, so it should be interesting.

Im actually in a decent mood currently, Im in pain, my head is doing me in but my mood is ok. We talked about future stuff today, you know maybe playing lawn bowls once I have some conditioning in my legs again and the pain is dealt with. There was something else we talked about that I was keen on but no idea what it was. We discussed me going back to the gym at a later date which Im keen on. Not like weights etc just stuff to tone effectivly and lose weight. AIA will pay for the membership she recons.

The main reason for the claim was my mental health but the rehab focus is certainly about physical health. They dont seem to be doing anything about my mental health rehabilitation which I think sucks. There should be programs etc to help improve and maintain my mental health but Im not being given access to them. At least not yet, maybe they are waiting for my mental heath situation to stabalise and allowing the professionals to do their thing.

I am getting so sick of "thats not what I meant". My sister senting texts and talking, texts have to explaination of what she is asking, they are one sentance, no basic info, nothing to say what its about etc. like the birthday money thing. "Can you transfer however much you are giving for Mum and Dads birthday please". Nothing about what shes doing, why Im doing so early just a command. Then you get the comment when you question it or get offended (more often) "thats not what I meant". Any time you get offended by her and you call it out its "thats not what I meant". She always has an excuse, she always has an out for what shes doing or said and you have no right to be offended because she didnt mean it. Which I dont buy, I think more often than not she knows exactly what shes doing, she intentionally sent and said what she did, how she did because she wanted to get a rise out of me. If you keep having to correct yourself after the fact then maybe start saying or texting what you mean to say. Its not hard, either that or stop flapping your gums. Also, if its good enough for you to rewrite history and say what you meant after the fact its ok for me and anyone else to explain what they meant if it was interpreted incorrectly.

Dad and I had another talk he took Mum to the doctors and they basically fought the whole way. He did say no to her idea of him digging rocks out of a pit after paying for the rocks, to use in the garden, that apparently was a big fight. We talked about my sister a bit, she gave Dad another bill for $7000. Its for money she has spent for Mum or family. I did question how she can have so much money to be owed that and buy a new car, while being comfortable enough to have money left over, which she has because she keeps buying bits and pieces like rings etc. I also suggested that I bed the take away she buys is also included in the bill as well, because Mum wanted take away so she got take away and Dad should pay that bill. I really struggle to believe that of the $30k she has claimed in last several months (6/7) is all Mum and the house. I also know Dad has told her to stop doing it so I really dont think Dad should have to cough up the money. But Mum has her back and Dad wont fight, well rarely so she gets away with it. On the flip side I BORROW money from Dad to pay for medical expenses and I have to pay it back with interest. He hands money hand over fist to my sister/Mum for crap, stuff not needed but holds me accountable for every cent for procedures to resolve my pain, treat my cancer. It doesnt seem right to me. But I am of no interest to Mum, the only time she is interested in me is when she wants me to do something. My sister however, Mum is offering to take her away, locally and overseas. She is doing all sorts of stuff to get my sister back as her "friend". Me, needing treatment, needing procedures, specialist and all the money I spend on medical costs, well it appears that she couldnt give a shit about that. I think Id actually have to be dying before she got involved and helped, even then I dare say Id be needing to pay someone back.

The difference between how my parents treat my sister and I are, stunning. She gets pretty well everything she wants from them. As I said, Mum has her back so Dad cant do what he wants. Thats because Dad wont fight for what is right, what is fair. He wont say to Mum that we are prioritising my sister and its not fair to me. He wont stand up for me and say that my needs are important, critical even and we should help him more financially to get the treatment needed, because he can atleast get the money back from me. Its one chance he has to recover some of the money being spent. But hes helping drive me into the financial dirt at the same time he is helping my sister afford a new car. Mum to have what ever she wants. Sister to not be required to have the same financail burdens as me, like board and food, she doesnt pay either. In fact she doesnt even have a budget to work to with shopping, she can buy what ever she pleases and bills it to Dad. Me, I pay for all my food, everything except for a bit of milk. Im never asked if there is anything I need from the shops when my sister goes in, I never get anything added to the shopping bill for Dad. If I want anything, I have to get it and pay for it. I do get a small allowance for my Lite n Easy from Dad, he lowered my board by $70 a fortnight (I think) to cover some of the cost for me. That is the only thing he has done allowance wise. I realise my board wouldnt make a dent in the costs incurred for me living there, so there is that as well. I dont really expect my sister to pay the same board as me as her income is lower but I do expect her to pay one. I also think if I have to pay for my food, she should too. Again, she just brought a brand new car and I am borrowing money for medical requirements, I think she can organise her own meals or contribute to the BUDGET for food. I want to drive that home too, yes she got some money from the sale of her house, she is on a lower income but its not a equal footing because I earn more, not much by the way. But she has just bought a new car, brand new while I am scrimping and saving, begging and borrowing to afford life changing procedures, procedures that are critical. Im paying extra costs associated with living at home than her, and they are aware that I am in financial difficulty from past illness induced spending (they dont believe it was). My sister has been given every break possible because of her situation (its not good either) but every chance Mum and/or Dad do their best to kick me while Im down, actually they rub my face into the dirt.

Just to reiterate, I had to borrow money from my Dad to pay for a procedure to hopefully eliminate my pain on the 21st June. My sister just went down and bought another, she has more than I can count already, handbag because its Mimco and went on special at midnight last night. But she cant pay for her food or board. I am in a heap of pain and having to have break after break but I am feeding her dogs cause thats too much to ask of her.

My pain is really starting to return, feeding the dogs was a real challenge, there was a couple breaks but dogs were patient. I think its a job that will have to return to Dad. Ive finished, some time ago and Im still in a lot of pain, though my pain hasnt returned in full. Its creeping up my back, so it started again in my lower back now its getting worse as it goes up. I still have pain in my neck and shoulders from the procedure and my migrane thing has got worse from I assume, bending over. So while my pain isnt at its worse, I have additional pain and spasms to contend with. Im9 about to go lay down for a while once Ive finished my drink.

SANE contacted me, Im finally starting my councilling sessions next week, which is pretty good timing I think. Just before the procedure so they will see where Im coming from and end up at.

I was in a pretty decent mood this morning, but Im ending the day in a pretty foul mood. I was ok until Dad and I talked and I thought about the differences in how my sister and I are treated by my parents. I did blame Mum for it and still do for her part, but Dad has his part to play in all this. He has chosen not to make things fair between my sister and I. He has chosen to demand that I repay him for everything I borrow while giving my sister a free ride because Mum said so. I dont know if Mum had instructed him to charge me board, food etc, it wouldnt suprise me, while not charging my sister the same. But either way he did it, he also didnt defend me, stand up for me, say that whats going on isnt fair or just. He has just allowed me to be screwed over and then turned around and given my sister a firm financial hand and for that I am mad at both my parents not just Mum. Im mad with my sister, because she acts all so hard done by and that she entitled to the help she has received and I deserve to be screwed over. Not only does she get help from my parents but some of her medical costs are covered by the NDIS, so where I am paying for therapy she isnt. I have no problem that NDIS helps her she has met the requirements for their support, I have not as yet. But its the entitlement and the way she acts that she has it so much harder than everyone else, especially me as I work and therefore get so much more money than her. I get $700 normally more than her, I dont have any supports however and I know which one Id prefer.

My sister stated that she is setting up the printer this weekend, like I should have done it, like she was having a wingy dig at me. I dont understand how she cant comprehend what is going on with me. The printer is quite large, quite heavy, quite awkward. I can barely stand upright, bending's a big issue, walking is an issue. How am I moving it? How am I getting around it to plug in bits and pieces, how am I sitting down and setting it up on everyones devices, especially when 1/2 of them are Apple and I dont know Apple and Im shaking and having spasms. Like just at the moment, my back is less than ideal, its the worse its ever been, its in the top 3 pain Ive experienced and Ive experienced some intense pain, like Testicular Torsion. I understand that its an inconvienience for you, you've made that clear. I dont totally understand how, I mean Im keeping out your way for the most part. Its only that I cant do as much for as normal. Thats maybe the thing I find hardest of all, what does it hurt you to show compassion and understanding. You have been in pain before, you are in pain, you have a spinal stimulator for your pain. You should get pain, you should get extreme pain and if you say you worked through it you werent in the same pain as me and you'd be lying anyhow cause you hardly do anything now and I know full well you were limited with what you could do with compartment syndrome. Its the same with Mum, she is in pain, spinal pain and cant do anything, though then she does stuff which makes me think how much pain are you really in if you can wake up and decide to pull apart your wardrobe? Did your issue amazingly heal itself for 24-48 hours so you can do some intense stuff cause you feel like it randomly and then OMG I cant do anything. That doesnt really happen to me, I go to bed in pain and I wake up in pain, day in day out.

I keep saying Im grumpy, because thats about as much as you can get away with being here, God forbid you were angry with Mum or sister and thats what I am Im angry and Im bitter primarily with my sister tonight, well a lot of late. Im kinda nothing towards my Mum now days, Ive gone past being angry and disappointed that most the time I have very little feelings towards her in general. The way my sister treats me, particularily after everything Ive done for her when Mum wouldnt do a thing and Dad put in his effort which he thinks was huge but did nothing to address medical appointments etc. that was all left to me. For my sister to show such, I dunno, but this disregard, brushing off, contempt for my increased pain and the limitations that has imposed on me, to show basically no sympathy or understanding, yeah angry and bitter. Then to take it a step forward and complain about having to help me by feeding her dogs that was a real kick in the guts.

Ive started reducing another medication last night, I dont know that its affecting me yet and Ive had some strong emotions and a busy day. Ive been taking the left overs of an old med recently to help me sleep. Im going to try not having it tonight and see how I go sleep wise. Im not expecting great things, but they are on a mission to reduce my medication load so I need to know if I can sleep without them, spend some time not taking them and then when I see a doctor next discuss with them sleep aids. I dont sleep well as it is but Im concerned that I wont essentially sleep without something, especially given my pain. I want to keep a few of this medication aside for nights where my brain is working at capacity and slow it down, though writing like I am has helped a lot in that regard.

Thats something that is bugging me. I write a lot and I watch Netflix etc just as much, one goes in hand with the other. My sister seems to be of the opinion that because I do it alot she can just start talking, not taking into account that I am actually concentrating. The other day I am counting something in my head and all the sudden she starts counting out loud, at me, quite loudly. It made for concentrating on what I was doing really difficult. She doesnt interupt like a polite person, she just starts talking, Im trying to write a sentance and concentrate on what Im doing and she is half way through a converstation and then mad at me when I ask her to repeat herself because like most people in the world I cant give my full attention to two things at once. And just cause its me writing or watching TV doesnt make it any less important or me less deserving of manners.

Again, I told the sister that I cant afford to pay for her stuff and wait for her to repay etc. Im financially stuffed and Im struggling with my own stuff and habits, hell I just had to borrow money to pay for my next procedure from Dad and he just transferred $7k to her. I made it clear that I wouldnt pay for stuff but would get it if she gave me her card. So she acknowledges she should have given me her card but could I buy her smokes. I dont know why she does it, now its frosty at home cause I said no. She decided to ask why I didnt get her stuff and I went through it again and she doesnt understand what the problem is if she is going to repay it. Ive made it pretty damn clear I think. I dont have thousands in the bank. I dont have much of anything. I also dont need the stress of it all, just leave me and the little money I have to try and fend for myself. And you dont have to understand, just appreciate that I dont feel that I can afford it and your not getting your way. Now she is all shitty because she got told no and I stuck to it.

Sister was carrying on about how she has been helping me, again I was spending money to be there for her. But she was also winging to anyone that would listen about how she was sick of it. I also am trying to avoid going further into debt with anyone. I do get that she has helped me, but she is also in a far better financial position, especially at the time. $30 is a lot of money for me, it going in and out of my account is difficult to track and waitin/trying to get the money repaid is too stressful. She can't deal with stuff and thats ok but as soon as someone can't deal with her stuff she can't understand

I went into the shops at 3:30am Ive had a couple hours sleep that was really broken. Im pretty awake, I will try and sleep again shortly. I think its in part from the medication reduction and in part for the pain as thats pretty bad tonight. Actually pain is really bad tonight, Im getting pain shooting down my leg, sitting right in my side, like a dagger being repeatedly thrust into my side. Laying in bed I cant get comfortable, keep bouncing around and crap. Id doze off for a little bit and then up again. After 3 hours I gave up. My neck is really bothering me. I had to lay down yesterday afternoon because of that migrany thing, I dont think I slept though. It came back when I got up but not as bad, its a bit the same at the moment.

Tomorrow I will start buying uncooled drinks, probably keep the iced coffee for now but I am starting my quit journey tomorrow. My support person has suggested that I go through Quitline. So tomorrow I am going to look through their website and look at how I start this. Im going to start actually quitting pretty much ASAP as I just cant afford to keep doing it. Im going to have to drop back to bone financially. Dad does it pretty well so Im kinda looking to him as my example. He drinks instant coffee a fair bit and then a can of coke at night, I dont think I could do that but buying unchilled vanillla Coke and Sunkist they are a couple bucks each instead of $10-$13 for a 4 pack of Monster. Ill keep up the iced coffee for a while and then wein that out later. So that will save me a fair bit of money each day.

Im really struggling with the stress of my finances and medical cost at the moment. Im getting further in debt to stay afloat medically and Dad is finding it hard to keep up as well so I cant rely on him much longer. I somehow got to get the money together for a cystoscopy that I expect I will be having shortly. Its actually getting to the point where I might have to start making choices as to which procedures I actually have.

ClockFace · ‎02-06-2023

Heres a thing, my sister (and Dad) get ticked off because they will go into town, even with Mum, get home and she will say she needs smokes so another trip into town. My sister is out pretty much every day, so it stands to reason she has the opportunity to buy herself smokes, she can tell she is getting low and needs more before she next goes into town. She doesnt, she then gets me to buy her smokes. It irritates the shit out of me, organise your smokes yourself. I can do it, I can do it while in a shit load of pain, you can do it. If you gonna bitch about Mum doing the same thing then either shut up and get her smokes or work your shit out.

My sister also goes on about Mum sleeping lots, sleeping through appointments etc they are a choice. I dont disagree, some of it is a choice, some of it is that Mum is not well. There has to be an understanding that while Mum makes demands on others that are unreasonable or just inappropriate such as go pick stuff up from me from buy, swap, sell, especially while we have made it clear that that is a thing we are not doing anymore. Yes Mum makes choices but thing is so does my sister, we all do, but she makes choices that lead her into poor mental health positions. Such as Mum has been crying all night because no one will go get a jumper or something, so my sister is apparently ready to go and get the stuff. Apparently she went off last night and got stuff. She makes the choice to enter into conversations with Mum about topics that are touchy, at 11pm. You know Im not talking about this, is a great response and then you just stop messaging about the topic. Yeah, we are talking about txt messaging, its really easy to not engage in that method. Even phone call, not doing it and hang up. Give her a chance but if she persists end it. I wouldnt mind all this happening if a) it wasnt part of what made her attempt to take her life b) it impacts me and Dad cause my sister engage us for support and to discuss. When you say something like you're being an idiot dont go pick stuff up she gets offended. Basically what she is wanting is for someone to give her permission to do a stupid action. I dont want her going of and picking stuff, anything up. It opens the door for her to go back to being out all the time and back to the same situation we were in a few months ago. Added to which it makes the whole Family Therapy program a useless waste of time, if you're just going to ignore what they say, what everyone has said whats the point of any of it. Then I will firmly say, dont blame me, dont ask me to participate, dont get angry cause Im not coming along for the ride and dont get all sad and shitty that Im not in hosoital every waking moment etc like last time. That all said, ages after you got home, weeks, months have passed and my sister still hasnt sat down with my Mum and been honest with her and explained whats going on, what Mum is doing thats causing the problems and how Mum can actually support my sister and if anything is unfair, that is.

Choices are really important, Ive made plenty of bad ones. Plenty that have aided in the position I am in now. Continuing smoking, while an addiction, is a choice, Ive made plenty of excuses to continue, its not the right time for heaps of reasons. But its never the right time, its just time. So I have planned that I will stop on the 6/6/23 mainly because its a memerable date to give up. Im modifying my drinks habit for a cheaper version of what Im doing. They are my two biggest non-essential expenses that I have. It is a bit hard because Im not saving money and getting to go on holidays with it, or buy something I really want. It will go to paying for medical expenses and debt. But Im in a situation where I need to do what I need to do.

My choices however havent lead to major mental health issues, I mean they have influenced my current mental health position but I was in a situation where I didnt feel I had a choice, I felt that it was being dumped on me and there was an expectation that I do what I did. However, looking back I wouldnt do it again and I wont, if my sister ends up in hosptial again etc. I wont abandon her but I will prioritise me, my job etc and I wouldnt be carrying on with clothes and repeated trips and maccas again. This will not go down well with Mum or my sister but I cant do it again, I have learnt from the choices I made previously and will make different decisions. This is not being seen in my sister, making the same decisions over and over and and going down the same path. Looking for Dad and I to give her permission to do the same things that lead her to where shes been. Trying to justify poor choices and when if falls apart, when she winds up in hospital again, she takes a turn for the worst, she will lash out, she will blame Dad and I, she will be mad with Mum for doing this to her, but at the end of the day, this time it will be her choice and she chose to do the same thing and get the same result.

Im pretty sick of talking about my sister, she has a massive influence over my life and Mum did for a long time but I restricted that influence and I think its time that the same thing happens with her. I think I have to have and I suppose Ive been putting in place already, boundries. The most recent one I have put in is that I wont buy her stuff without her card. She borrowed some money from me and instead of returning it she kept it and used it to pay for stuff that I asked her to get. There was no discussion about doing it, it was just when I asked for the money back as I was budgetting for it she said that she had spent it. No evidence, no telling me how much she spent, what it was on it was just on stuff I had asked her to get, which to my knowledge I cant remember the last time I asked her to get anything, in fact I have been pretty dedicated to getting my own stuff regardless of the pain Im in. Its one thing I have been really keen on is while I might not be able to help around the house etc I would look after myself.

Her doing that, especially without discussing it with me and waiting to well after the fact so I had no way to dispute it, to recall for certain etc ticked me off in a big way. I decided then and there it was cards only, I would provide her mine and she would provide me hers. There needs to be a seperation in our finances. She has helped me out heaps financially, the last round of 'help' was for me to provide her help. This was the time she was in hospital. There is a program through work where I hopefully will be able to successfully obtain a grant used to repay her as this was due to abuse but I need stuff from her to do this and she is being as difficult as possible about giving it to me. Once I get the grant (I hope) that will be the end of intertwining finances because it doesnt work out in my favour, my sister will yell and scream about how screwed over she is each time but the truth is I hold all the stress, I hold all the worry, I have Mum having an issue. While I wait for the grant I can prevent further intertwining by spending for others direct from their card, not I spend and maybe you pay back. As I say Im very concious that I buy my own stuff, Ive been turning down meal offers etc. Im doing my best not to take anything fromo my sister, it cant be used against me, though the comment I bought the family tea has come up but I wasnt involved. I just think that there are too many strings, to much manipulation that comes along with borrowing or taking or accepting anything from my sister. It gets back to my Mum with a twist, it goes back to Dad to pay for it so Im opting out. Meals wise, Im not interested most the time because its fast food, while I chose to drink iced coffee. I chose not to gorge myself on fast food which has no nutrition, especially when I have Lite n Easy meals in the freezer. One poor decision consumption wise is enough.

On that, I dont know why they keep eating fast food, because too often not long after eating it they get upset at how fat they are, how bad their skin is and how miserable they are about it, then that night they do it again. Its so expensive, I mean its more expensive than buying Lite n Easy, its more time consuming than cooking a meal as the nearest fast food resturant is like 20min drive away. Its not convienent, well not for the one who has to go get it. It makes not financial, health or weight sense but the go back and back again to buy this 'food'. Ill eat it on occassion, Im out at appointments and I get hungry and Im not going home anytime soon. I used to but again, its a choice and I can make good or bad choices, I can protect my health or I can damage it.

The influence she has over my life is going to be hard to reign in as she sits across the table from me. She has a great ability, like Mum to progect her mood etc and bring others down etc. She can be angry or what ever when ever she was and she can make sure everyone knows it. Dad and I dont get that. We have to reign in those feelings and make sure her (and Mum) are not adversly affected by the way we feel, even if they are the cause of it. There is a big imbalance. Most the time if I am angry or frustrated I go to bed as soon as I can to prevent further fights and attitude from my sister. My sister has it in mind that she can dictate the feel of the house, thats her call. If she is really happy everyone else should be and encourage her, but if sad/mad then you should do as told, stay out the way and not escallate the issue. She will sit in the kitchen and project her mood and feelings often over night.

My sister seems to think I am her secretary, she just asked if I had made another appointment, this is for the Family Therapy. Dad had told her that she was to make the next appointment, he told me that he had said his as well. The problem we have is she bailed on the last meeting at the last minute saying she couldnt do it today. Rather than saying that and cancelling it in the morning, she waited until Dad and I were basically there to tell them she wouldnt be attending and both Dad and I are not happy about this. So I agree, she can make the appointment for when she can do it. Its up to her, Im not doing it. I also dont need to put in meal orders etc. She has a phone she can manage it. I really dont like talking to other people, phone calls to strangers etc is not my favourite activity. I got to do it at work, while not working at the moment, Im still doing quite a few video appointments, which I really dont like. But primarily she has a phone, its just her excersising control over me, giving me little jobs to do. She gets home and has a go at me that she asked for help and asked me to do it. Which she didnt, besides which Dad told her to do it, dont pass it on to me. Ive got my own appointments to deal with, this clearly isnt important to you, Im not interested. Im really tempted to stop going altogether.

Thats something she cant do much at the moment is excersise control over me with jobs etc, which is where the get me smokes without my card this morning comes in, do as you're told despite your feelings. Im in pain, she doesnt think its as bad as I say or I should somehow just push through. She hasnt said it outright but made it clear. But she cant come outright and tell me to do things, I mean she made it happen with feeding dogs but in general she is unable to force me to do things. She winges with quiet comments and sligh remarks but I dont care. I do things, when I am capable but I just do them. I took a couple bags to the bin, I said nothing to Dad but he thanked me when he noticed. My sister however, one of the first things said when I woke up was that she had folded the clothes and it was painful. She didnt do the ones on the line however. I get comments when I make any mention of pain, let alone if in conjunction with a task. She however expects praise and concern about her situation. Now, the pain she is on about, she burns herself and one of the burns got infected, it was deep, and she had to have IV antibiotics yesterday and is on antibiotics but her arm is in a lot of pain. I feel bad for her I do, but at the same time, she did it to herself, it was a choice to go through the process she does so I have little sympathy for her. On the other hand, my pain was done to me, I had nothing to do with it except to protect it from getting worse and I get basically no sympathy from anyone.

I worked out today that I have 12 facet joints that are dysfunctional, it never occcured to me how many I had. I knew it was serious but how serious I didnt realise. Like 12 joints, thats a significant amount of my spine, its no wonder I am in so much pain and I find it so hard to move.

My sister gets home and I come in and have a go about the text Ive gotten, where she is having a go that she told me to do it. Shes told me not to talk that way, well screw you Im pissed off. You bailed, you make the appointment. She doesnt like the way I talked to her so she up and left. Sure no worries, Ill feed your damn dogs, despite the pain Im in, just leave it to me. I dont care if she didnt like how I was talking, Im sick of being told and commanded what to do constantly. Im sick of having her dismiss my pain and minimise my feelings. But its all about her, got to make sure you dont upset my sister and thats not the suicide thing that has been the case for most my life. Always my sister first and I get the scraps.

Im sick of my sister treating me the way she does, Im sick of being treated like I dont matter. Im sick of being told I am pathetic, Im not really in as much pain as I express. That my mental health isnt as bad as I say it is. I dont know when my Mum and sister decided that the very honest kid became such a liar. Is it that its just easier to think of me as a liar, as pathetic, as a strain on the family to justify treating me like I dont matter, to investing nothing into our relationship, to treating me like I should just obey commands, to drive me down emotionally and mentally as much as possible. To negate any feelings unless you agree with them.

I spoke to Dad, I was pretty angry and loud. At the end of it all he said he had no idea what to do. Essentially what he said was he could talk to my sister and she would say she hadnt done anything, he could go speak to Mum and she would say I deserved it. He basically said he wasnt going to do anything, he wont fight for me. He will allow my sister to do what ever she wants, treat me how she wants, he will allow Mum to take my sisters side over mine every time, even if I have a ligitament position, even if what my sister is doing is wrong. I had a go at him because he keeps getting Mum having a go at him and cause its easier he has a go at me than to stand up to Mum and tell her she is wrong and actually be a father.

I dont know if whats going on counts as Family and Domestic Violence but Im going to approach my works program to help people in this sort of situation, somehow I have to find a way to leave. I no longer care that I owe Dad and my sister money, they have made their bed. I was putting up with this because I felt trapt, I felt like I had to stay out of a financial obligation but not anymore. The money I owe my sister is for helping her while she was in hospital. The money I owe Dad is to primarily for taking time off to help my sister and medical procedures. So, while I feel some what like I should pay them back, at the same time it wasnt me borrowing money to buy random crap. I just dont feel like I have to remain living in an environment like this purely based on owing money. Again, they made their choices and they chose to abuse me and treat me like I dont matter, Dad chose and continues to choose not to do anything. So neither am I. I sent an email to my team manager asking for the email address cause I cant log in to my system.

The pain is getting quite incredible, I cant find a single position where I have any relief, though I havent laid down and I really want to. Im about to do this regardless of how I feel, but I am going to have tea shortly and go to bed, primarily cause its the only chance that I have to find some relief. The problem is the dark, I mean Ill have my music going to drown out the silence but my mind is very likely going to be flying tonight. The dark worries me tonight because I dont feel safe and secure in my own room, at home. Im just waiting for a door to come flying open and Mum or my sister to be behind it yelling etc. I dont think my Dad would be behind a door but Im not 100% sure as he has yelled at me over not going to get a Maccas Coke. My anxiety at the moment is up, it was solidified how alone I am, that Dad will not have my back, he will not stand up for me with either my Mum or my sister. Completely alone. The best I can hope for is he wont do as Mum commands and have goes at me when I refuse to do things.

I think my course of action going forward is to essentially just be quite and keep out of everything. If I am up to doing things I will, if Im not I wont and if that cost me the use of Mums car then Ill take a bit more abuse I suppose and lose the car. Its about the only thinng Mum can threaten me with now and if she follows through then shes just an absolute bitch. I just hope Dad follows through and finds me a car soon. I dont expect him to buy me a new car, he said he would. But it would take another avenue she has to try and control me and back my sisters every command then Id take it.

I still feel so trapt, Mum uses what ever she can to control me, she uses money heaps, like me owing Mum and Dad money, thats all about manipulating me and controlling me to stay under their roof where she can continue to do the same and continue to abuse. My sister uses my Mum to do the same thing, to get her way and punish when she doesnt. They do all they can to strip me of any self esteem, any self worth. I mean the stuff about me being pathetic cause I say Im in heaps of pain, thats an attack on my self worth, that it doesnt matter that Im in pain. That they dont care and that they are going to dismiss me and the pain. If they dont believe Im in as much pain as I say then they dont feel so bad about telling me to do things like feed the dogs. No guilt if the pain doesnt exist, if you say it doesnt exist. Its so much easier than believing your son and supporing him through an extremely difficult time.

One day I will get out, one way or another. I told Dad that its my only choice, the only other one I have is to end it permanately but my choice is to work to find a way to leave, regardless of the things Mum and my sister will use to force me to stay. I keep having the thoughts of permanant escape, I dont want them, I dont want to feel like that. Ive lost the care of not wanting my sister to grow old alone, why would I want to keep subjecting myself to her manipulation and abusive behaviour in my old age. Im not gonna cope with it for much longer, let alone when Im old. Interesting thought, what will she do, how will things change when Mum passes away. What will she do when she doesnt have Mum to run to everytime I step out of line.

I want to say that I have no problem being held accountable for my actions, If I actually do something wrong then yeah I have to wear that. Im also 43, not a child so punishment is no longer a big thing. I mean if I crashed Mums car drunk then losing use of the car is a reasonable reponse. I dont take my sister to get a Coke from Maccas, losing the car is not a reasonable response, that is an overreaction, that is abusive, that is showing just how low to down the pole you really are that not following such a simple command gets such an excessive response. Im 43, I can make decisions for myself, I can chose my own path, I can dictate how I will support the family or at least determine the outcome of a conversation as to what things need to be done. At 43, I dont need my Mum and my sister giving me commands, correcting my life choices, correcting my attitude, I cant even get the time I go to bed right accoring to my sister. I go to bed to early, I nap too much, I probably sleep in too late, my medications play a role in that, but thats BS according to my sister, same as the nap tends to be as a result of the pain medication, BS again, she has never been on any of the medication or been to medical school but she is an expert on how medication, changes in medications etc affect the body and she has determined that medications with a warning may make you drowsy dont actually do that and multiple of these medications dont add up and cause sleep.

Its kinda like her professional opinion of years of medical training and he own experiences with leg issues have made her the perfect expert to determine how much pain I would/will experience from 12 spinal joint dysfunctions. Because she can appreciate that two diffenent sources of pain only occurs in 10% of patients. She know because her arm hurts from doing dumb things. That clearly equates to the pain I experience from my spinal issues. Im not saying she isnt in pain, Im not even saying she is in more or less pain than me, Im just not going to compare, but if she says it hurts too much to do something, I wont force, I wont demand and I wont expect her to do that thing, Thing is she does that, she compares and she is always in more pain. If I say it hurts too much she still expects that I do things.

It really hurts that my family cant appreciate the pain I am in both physically and mentally, part of me wishes that they would just keep it to themselves and treat me like I am in the pain I claim. But I would really prefer that they just believed me, I mean its unconditonal for my sister why am I so judged.

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