Mum of 4 little ones not acknowledging things are not good

[WarriorSpirit]

I am trying to help a mother of 4 young ones. There are many issues I see within this family. I really want to try and help but have not been able to break through that barrier with Mum 😭 She either can't, or won't see that there are problems.

Things seem to go under the radar with any medical personal and other family are simply not backing me up. The children's father has never shown any care or interest in the children and their wellbeing. How do I find support for this family? I don't want the government to interfere as they are not humane. Most of the workers we have encountered over the years are quite young and inexperienced with REAL life and the many family dysfunctions. I am simply not comfortable with them. If they offered support, real support and acknowledged that grandparents are one of the biggest assets that can help hold a family together, it would be a different story. 

Where do you turn to get much needed help? Thank you to anyone that cares enough to read and offer practical support 🙏

[Jynx]

Hi @WarriorSpirit welcome to the forums, so glad you found this space! 

I am hearing how much care and compassion you have for these kids. We all need someone looking out for us sometimes. 

Just curious, what is your relationship with the family? Are you a family friend or...? 

And are you at all worried about the safety of the children? 

I can totally understand your concerns, and if there's also frustration there too. Unfortunately, we can't force people to change. We can show them the door, but they may not be ready to walk through it. That can be soooo incredibly difficult - to sit in that space of the unknown and feel helpless to change things. I hope you have some support around you, some ways of looking after yourself? 

Also I do hear you about not wanting govt involvement. It may be something to consider as a last resort - like any field, there are going to be good and bad apples in the bunch. There is every possibility that it could help spur the changes these kids need. 

[WarriorSpirit]

Hi @Jynx, thank you for your reply.

I am the grandmother, the Mum is my daughter. I just wanted or hoping someone knew of any organizations that help with this sort of thing other than what I mentioned. These kids need me in their life and I am not going to allow someone to come and rip them away from their Mum. There is so much that I will not go into here. I don't believe that the gov has the right or the heart or care or brain to know what is best. If the  organizations they affiliate with, showed any real care or understanding they would acknowledge that grandparents have a better insight than them as a stranger to the family, but they don't. They are all caught up in the world of theory/paper work, their kpi's and ticking the little boxes. My family are real and not a job to be processed. I don't think they have the ability to see how many people are good at putting on an act or play the cards right when there are scheduled visits. I've seen it numerous times, and have heard many a parent say they just put the act on to get the case manager off their back. Anyway, I really don't want to make this about gov lack of care.

I just want to know is anyone has experienced anything similar and if they managed to get help/support outside of the gov that hasn't sent them homeless. I am wondering perhaps I could try to get some kind of assistance for the oldest child, 13, but it is tricky. I can't say too much. I can't give the families identity away 😢 

[Dimity]

Maybe that depends on what sort of help or intervention you're looking for @WarriorSpirit .

In Victoria some charities and religious organisations help out struggling families in different ways. And the gp could help the mum access psychosocial supports eg by referral to the regional primary health network. The local community health service might have a counsellor or social worker you could talk to to get advice on what's available in the area. 

It's a very different situation but I'm also trying to help someone who's fallen through the cracks. Look after yourself too, it can be very distressing.

[Jynx]

@WarriorSpirit I do hear you, and I definitely wouldn't want to push you towards options that feel like they could make the situation worse, because that is also a possibility. You know your situation and your family's needs best. 

I will second what @Dimity has suggested about local community support through churches and community centres and the like. If their mother is resistant to the idea of a gp, you could always see one yourself, just to find out what they might recommend, then pass that info onto her. Sometimes social shame and stigma, and that fear of the unknown, can prevent folks from reaching out, so maybe 'de-mystifying' the process could help encourage her. 

I would also recommend having a chat to 1800RESPECT if you haven't already - even if there's no physical violence occurring, the impacts on the children are still very real. They might also be able to point you towards other local or national services that may help. 

Sounds to me that your grandkids are lucky to have you looking out for them 💜