My Mosaic

[Jynx]

@Bow here for ya hun 💜

A lack of contact from your arts and crafts group does NOT automatically mean you weren't missed hun. You are going through a LOT, maybe they thought you needed some space! 

I'm glad you have another couple weeks, that must have been a huge relief!

[Ru-bee]

Morning @Bow I've been thinking about you and just wanted to check in with how you're feeling this morning?

[Bow]

Hi @Ru-bee 

@pretty much the same as the last few days. Haven’t really got out of bed today. Just laying here trying to hide from the world. Didn’t make it to my psych appointment- told her I was sick- don’t get as many questions that way. My SW turned up at my door though, straight into house hunting questions though. Nothing really about how I actually am. 

[Ru-bee]

That would be frustrating when that's the only thing they're checking in on @Bow if you were able to have them ask you about something else - anything else - what do you wish you could've spoken with them about today?

[Bow]

It’s all she really asks about and wants to talk about lately @Ru-bee  and while yes, it’s a huge thing that is taking up space in my head at the moment, it’s not the only thing. 
perhaps she could ask how all this housing stress is actually making me feel? How’s it impacting you throughout the day? I’ve hinted at numerous times to get via text that I am really not ok, but she doesn’t seem to want to check in further regarding that. 
I’d just really like for someone to actually show care about ME. Not where the next roof over my head is going to be. 

[Ru-bee]

That's completely understandable to just want them to ask about you, and how you're feeling about it all @Bow  

While it might not be the same, I'm interested in how this is affecting you day to day and how you're feeling about it. I know you mentioned yesterday that it's causing you a lot of anxiety, is that still pretty high today or are there other emotions coming up too?

[Bow]

Thanks @Ru-bee 

yeah still a lot of high anxiety. Especially since our current LL has given us 2 extra, last weeks to be out. It’s all the uncertainty, the unknown of not knowing where home will be. Whether I’m gonna have my own space apart from a tiny bedroom with a bed in it. Having zero control over the whole process. We can put together a great application, write a nice cover letter and hit send. But that’s it. Then it’s just a waiting game. With for the most part, zero communication from RE. It’s frustrating when you get ghosted. It’s frustrating when you love a house and apply and then nothing. You try not to dream too much, imagine too much how you will decorate each room, where my bed would go, all the amazing space downstairs at this house we applied for. Only to be disappointed. Living in a house with all your belongings packed in boxes. We’ve pack just about everything so we are ready to go, but when is go gonna come??? We wreck our brains wondering what else we can do to be ready… start cleaning, but ya still gonna live here. Living in limbo. Beating myself up over what else I could do to improve our chances. What if I was working??? If only I had my stupid life sorted out and not having all these MH issues when maybe I’d be able to work. 
All that… all that lack of control. Frustration. Waiting. Unknown. Uncertainty. It can very easily tip me over the edge on any given day. Something might trigger me and push me. I seen a vision in my head so clearly a few days ago. Standing on the very edge of a cliff…. Holding back all these big words, like a big pile of them trying to push me forward and then one tiny thing happens and adds to the pile and then just pushes me off the cliff.

then I feel stupid that I allow things like this to upset me and send me into a spiral so much. Like be thankful that you’ve currently go a roof over your head. It’s hard to describe the feeling that I sit with not knowing where home is next going to be. It’s a hopelessness. It’s a despair. It’s horrible.

sorry that ended up being so long 

[Ru-bee]

No need at all to apologise @Bow I'm glad that you're able to let that out here

Reading that I almost feel like I'm right there with you, with my stomach in knots, but of course that's just a fraction of the feeling that you're describing. It's no wonder you feel more readily triggered, and like you could tip over the edge at any moment...humans like certainty and routine, and this stretched out period of not knowing where you're living next must be taking so much energy.

Sure, it's great to have moments of gratitude for what you do have right now, but that doesn't mean you can't feel overwhelmed at the not knowing where you're moving next. Those feelings are very understandable, and absolutely valid in this situation. While I wish I could take them away for you, there's no part of me that thinks you shouldn't be feeling them or that feeling this way makes you any less resilient or strong.

[Bow]

It’s horrible @Ru-bee  i got no other words really. I got a headache tonight. And feel real sick. Stress hitting me hard tonight. 

I’m so tired