@tyme First thing's first...I'm safe.
But if I'm honest and I acknowledge it out loud, I think I'm actually a little bit scared.
I've kind of kept away from the forum for a little bit today because I don't know if being here is stirring the pot, so to speak. I'm going to try and explain this in some kind of logical sense...but I apologise in advance if it isn't logical.
I started yesterday off with the realisation that it was my Aunt's 80th birthday. She passed in May last year. I was in Queensland and couldn't make it home for the funeral. I had to say goodbye and watch her funeral live through the screen of my computer. And it was so hard. Today, we had a family gathering to celebrate her sister's 70th birthday (my other aunt). It was initially planned as a combined birthday. For me though, it felt like a chance to finally engage with my family in their grief and to finally let down the walls of my own grief. My aunt who passed last year, she was a safe person for me growing up. She was really important in my life as a child - not so much as an adult, but she was one of those relatives who was ever present in the background and who made me feel good.
For some reason, that became a spiral where I hit my triggers. I went to bed last night, knowing that I was somewhat worked up and sleep was going to be difficult. But I did fall asleep and woke in the middle of the night from a nightmare. I don't even remember what it was about, but my heart was racing. I spent some time on here, using distraction as regulation and then remembered your advice and downloaded the Smiling Mind Ap and did one of the sleep meditations. It didn't put me to sleep, but it helped me to calm the farm enough to go back to sleep. I woke again a couple of hours later feeling scared for no apparent reason (it's not the first time, it happens sometimes).
It's really complicated - Last year I lived with a friend and it became an unsafe situation for me. When I moved back, I lived with my parents for eight weeks. I've not lived by myself for close to a year and a half. There's a distinct lack of noise in the house of a night, and a lack of light (as a side note, I'm afraid of the dark and need to have some light to feel safe). I don't know whether I'm just adjusting, whether I'm slipping, whether I finally have the space and the safety to deal with my "stuff" or whether being here on the forums is hitting on things that are making me feel all stirred up.
