Running

[avant-garde]

@rav3n 

The open art house is probably the one I'm most anxious about, I don't know what to expect, but I'll be continuing the illustrations for my short story. 

I prefer baking but I don't hate cooking, I prefer salads to stir frys though

The poetry group was just me and one other who I know already from my Thursday community group, we just shared our poetry, but I like that anyway.

[rav3n]

ahh yep, the not knowing what to expect makes me feel anxious too, would've been nice if someone had given you more info. i wonder if they have a site or something that can give you a lil overview? @avant-garde if you don't mind sharing, what's the short story about? 

nice! would love to see what you cook up in those workshops, hopefully there's some baking involved in the future too.

oh yep, it's nice when its smaller groups/one other person!! how often do you write poetry? have you done poetry writing classes in the past?

[avant-garde]

@rav3n 

It's a kid friendly take on having abusive parents and the journey to restoration.

I've done my research and there's not much available, not even photos. 

This year I've taken on the challenge of writing 1 poem a day so that by the end of the year I have a manuscript titled "365 days of poetry" in the hopes to get published, so at the moment I'm writing at least once a day. I've done some study into creative writing as my undergrad electives.

Can I talk to you about something from yesterday?

[rav3n]

@avant-garde writing a short story and the 365 days of poetry!? that's amazing, and i have no doubt that both pieces of writing will have a lot of meaning and impact on others. have you had work published before, or will this be your first time?

yes of course!

[avant-garde]

@rav3n 

I've made my own little booklets before, but this will hopefully be my first professionally published. 

----------------------------

24/4 - publicly berated at the group

1/5 - handed over letter and worked in the library

8/5 - discussion about letter

when I walked into my Thursday community group this week (8/5), the facilitator wanted to discuss my letter from last week (1/5), that it got so much bigger than it needed to be. 

turns out the facilitator made it bigger, not me, but I felt like I was being told off, that I handled my trigger badly and someone got hurt as a result and didn't want to come back, that the letter should never had happened and the power of the written word and how hurtful it can be and I should have just gone to her. 

The previous week she came into the library to talk to me (1/5) about what happened in which I told her that it wasn't the opinion that upset me and triggered me and set me off the previous week (24/4) it was the volume. she assumed that it was the person who is hard of hearing and was holding the letter when she walked back into the room where they meet, but it wasn't her at all, it was another person, the one who came into the library (after reading the letter) where I was and said her piece in front of the library staff and other patrons at a raised volume (1/5).

The upset wasn't my fault, I handled the conflict the best way I knew how, but it felt like I got told to shut up anyway. Honestly, it hurt, my letter was well written and her assumption caused the issues not my letter!

[rav3n]

@avant-garde how exciting!!! can't wait to hear how it goes.

i'm sorry to hear that you were spoken to in a poor tone, and that the letter wasn't handled well. sounds quite frustrating and upsetting to those incidences happen one after the other - but as you said - it's not your fault. 

i hear you, it is hard to shake off being told off/shut down, especially when you've tried your best to handle the situation well. how are you holding up now? did the facilitator do anything after to resolve the situation or is still in an awkward place?

[avant-garde]

@rav3n 

What I keep coming back to with me is the need to feel heard...

I think it's still that awkward place, that when the two ladies (the one who yelled and the one who got upset) come back then we'll know where the group stands. 

The facilitator said that for the 30+ years they've been running it hasn't been like this and it made me feel like I'm the problem. 

I still feel like I'm the problem and it just fed into my childhood beliefs that there's something intrinsically wrong with me...

[rav3n]

@avant-garde i gotta hop off now unfortunately but i'll be on tomorrow & i'll respond to this then!! take care 💙

[rav3n]

morning! @avant-garde hope today's off to a smooth start.

just responding to your post from last night (totally okay if you're not up to talking about it today):

absolutely hear you. not feeling heard is something i've struggled with too and whenever i've tried to make myself heard with my family, i get shut down with similar reactions - making if feel like it was my fault for bringing it up in the first place, having them escalate a simple situation, being made to sit in an uneasy space feeling confused about the outcome, etc.

i assure you that wanting to speak up does not mean there's something wrong with you. and the fact that you had written it down in letter form too goes to show that you really thought this through and wanted to have a genuine discussion... but then instead you were met with poor responses/reactions, which sucks. but that does not reflect on you - it reflects on them and their ability to handle conversations. 

in my experience i've found that i've had to pick my battles - this does not mean i'm not standing up for myself, rather i'm being mindful of when/where i place my energy. in the times i haven't made myself heard to the other party, i've written it down in my journal and gotten it out of my system - but if the feeling is still lingering and heavy, then i go have that chat. there's a quote i read that really changed my perspective around who i sought out when i needed to feel heard, but i'm mindful of sharing it as it may also be upsetting for some to read so i'll only share if you're interested - no pressure at all if you're not.

[avant-garde]

Morning @rav3n

I'm still waking up (with a bit of a headache, stress I think, or dehydration).

I'm not in a place where I am able to pick my battles without it adding to the narrative of my past, it's either I battle with them or I battle with myself.

You're not the first one to suggest I pick my battles... but you're the first I've been honest about it with. 

I get frustrated because the people I open up to, therapists, counsellors, friends, they give the impression that it's easy and ask me why not, which again adds to the narrative that there's something wrong with me if I can't.

Those with lived experience know how hard it is to get there.