I haven’t posted on forums in a while, and a lot has changed. I have a psychologist, somewhat supportive chosen friends/family, and actively use mental health strategies. But I still feel stuck and empty. I have been diagnosed with BPD/CPTSD, but the trauma still doesn’t feel real and like I shouldn’t be suffering this much from something that happened years ago. I used to be able to remember everything that happened in detail, but now I only know it as a fact, and can’t recall exact details anymore. With every small thing that doesn’t go my way in life, I still have suicidal/self-harm thoughts that are difficult to manage. I know that mental health struggles take a long time to learn to cope with, yet I still feel like a failure everywhere in my life especially self-managing my wellbeing. I have a safety plan, self-care/distraction strategies and try to keep up with a healthy lifestyle. It all feels too much, and it seems when I reach out to loved ones I have to constantly remind them how to support me, which makes me not reach out because it seems like another high-effort task I have to do. When I try to reach out to crisis numbers like lifeline, it takes a long time to be connected to someone. I know that I am privileged in being able to access all this support, but it doesn’t feel very supportive. I’ve been trying to scale back on daily tasks, break things down into small steps, change my environment, but there’s still so many things that are out of my control it feels like it’s slowly chipping away inside me. I also feel that the things that keep me going like my partner, little brother, hobbies and appreciating small
moments like having a coffee at a cafe or going for a walk and feeling the sun on my skin require a lot of effort, and getting more difficult to stay alive for.
