Depression

[Vanessa52]

Hi there,

I am middle aged, in my early fifties and have been suffering from deep depression for a few years now. I am on antidepressants. I realise this could be due to going through menopause but my GP has recommended I don’t get HRT due to previous clotting issues in my legs.

I just find that this age is hard because you are supposed to be someone who has accomplished something, not just starting out. I chose not to have children due to a lack of family support and my mental health issues, so that is something I haven’t accomplished and although I have worked most of my life I’ve only ever found myself in entry level positions and have never been mentored or given a break. I have done a lot of studying, so I guess you can say that I accomplished getting an education, but I have never found it helped me very much and was often seen as “overqualified”. I’m unemployed at the moment and trying my best to get re-educated at TAFE in a subject I got a degree in in the mid nineties. I am having to do this while having depression and also having to deal with having Crohn’s Disease and pain which is very difficult and I find that I am missing too many classes and may have to try again next semester which makes me feel down.

I have only a couple of friends and we are not that close and I find it hard to keep friends as I often offend people with outbursts or telling them what I truely think at the time which is oftentimes not what I’m always feeling.

I think about suicide often but know that Jesus doesn’t approve of it and don’t want to end up a ghost wandering this earth. Recently I have been thinking about suicide nearly every night.

iI am trying to do what I have been advised to do and exercise and have a routine and get out and meet people but I find this really difficult for numerous reasons, mostly being low self esteem. I feel like I am so useless and worry so much about the future, as things only seem to be worse as due to having a low income and numerous life crises I have had to use my superannuation savings and currently have none.

I was just wondering if anyone else is going through similar struggles and if anyone can give me some tips on how to deal with the depression and low self esteem?

[rav3n]

hi there @Vanessa52 it's nice to e-meet you 😊

sounds like there's been quite a few things on your plate such as worrying about your mental health, employment, friendships, routine, etc. which i imagine would be so overwhelming to think about at once! please do take some deep breaths, and remember that it's okay to take things one small step at a time.

talking to a psychologist and planning things out helped me with my depression & low self-esteem. my psych really helped me analyse my thought patterns and challenge/reframe them. how do you feel about challenging/reframing thoughts?

breaking things into small steps, and celebrating each win really helped too. when i wasn't able to get things done, i would tear myself down - but working on being kind to myself really helped change a lot of my mindset too. 

i'm sorry to hear that the suicidal thoughts have increased lately, that sounds quite heavy. i know you mentioned that Jesus is one of the reason why you wouldn't act on those thoughts, but if you do ever feel unsafe, please don't hesitate to reach out to crisis services (i'll link some below):

• Connect with a lifeline crisis supporter (24 Hrs) 13 11 14
• Suicide callback service (24 Hrs) 1300 659 467
• Get support - Beyond Blue - Beyond Blue
• 000 Emergency, police & ambulance (24 Hrs)

Here's a non-crisis line you can reach out to if you'd like to chat more about your suicidal thoughts: Peer CARE Companion Warmline

i also noticed that making/maintaining friendships are important to you, but also something that's been tricky for you. if you're interested, maybe chatting to FriendLine might be a nice place to practice/improve social skills? 

we've also got social spaces on the forums! we'd love for you to connect with community members here, feel free to post on the Fancy a cuppa , Connect now thread. apologies if i've bombarded you with so many links and questions! take your time (and pls don't feel you have to respond to this), we're glad to have you here 💙

[Realness]

Hi @Vanessa52 ,

Thanks for your honest sharing.

So much going on for you.

Life can be REALLY difficult and challenging!!!

One medical condition is enough to dampen life - let alone two!

I think you're being too hard on yourself. Throw out the checklist on what a person is meant to achieve in life. The tone of your post shows a mature, accomplished person. A warm caring soul. No way in the world are you someone just starting out. I laughed on your comment about friends - when you are a little too honest.

I know this glosses over the reality of the depression (did I read your post right in that it may be connected to menopause and maybe temporary - not good now but one day things may be better). But you really do come across as a warm accomplished person.

[Vanessa52]

Thank you so much for your kind words, it meant a lot.