Lived Experience Forum

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @Teej 🌷

I hope my earlier post didn’t come across as invalidating.  I am glad to hear that your Dad is learning how to relate better to your boys and their girls, and learning more about the world in the ways you operate within it with mobile phones and stuff too.  My mr. is learning about socialising do’s and don’ts from our baby dragons slowly, slowly too, as they scold him, have meltdowns, tease him, push back, encourage and praise him for learning new (old) things ...... in a lot of ways it’s a new beginning because even he has forgotten who / how he used to be.  It’s all quite surreal to see that happening, and I imagine it feels that way for you, watching the changes in your Dad, and bringing them together with some altered perspectives of your own.  

That was was what I was referring to in terms of a community survey.  I wonder how many other households are experiencing similar changes in dynamics across the generational divides.

[Teej]

You didn’t come across as anything but supportive and appreciative @Faith-and-Hope. I however was in a very strange mood. I froze responding to anything.  I didn’t get out yesterday. I was just a blob of grumble trying not to be a blob of grumble. Sometimes I just freeze and can’t respond or do anything but ride it out. I took sleeping meds last night and it has made a huge difference this morning. Everything you wrote in post one and two was absolutely fine. I didn’t react badly at all, just the cat had my tongue :face_with_rolling_eyes:😳

@CheerBear Concerned for you. Is everything ok? 

[Faith-and-Hope]

💜💐 @Teej .....

How are you doing @CheerBear ?

[CheerBear]

I've been feeling pretty sad @Teej and @Faith-and-Hope. It's unwell one stuff and it feels like worry and helplessness. I'm teary over little things at annoying times. I keep thinking about what's going on inside unwell person and how cruel that kind of suffering is, and I'm having trouble switching off from it. I need to talk to the little crew but I don't want them to hurt too. I don't know what to say to them.

I'm also feeling pulled between people and things. I feel stressed trying to work out how I'm going to manage being there for people while trying to do the things I want to do (like this school gig and hopefully the volunteering gig) that will help me get back on track, while also not wearing myself out. It's such a tricky balance at the best of times 😏

As almost always happens, come 3pm I am forced out of any kind of stuckness I've been in during the day and into some kind of functioning mum-ness. It's helpful in ways but also tiring.

Thank you for asking and listening. I hope the day has had some good in it for you both.

[Teej]

@CheerBear I’m not getting many notifications. This one didn’t come up.

im so sorry that things are so sad and tough and unknown now. It must be quite confronting at times. I can understand how telling fish would be hard but I have 100% faith that you’ll do it well. 

As for the 'you' in all this. I’m thinking you may be the big in your family. Maybe you could have a meeting with sibs to work through a shared approach to help support well one as I expect that is playing on your mind, I think it would mine. If you can share that support around for both it might help you do the you things that are so important. This is the practical idealistic teej who if was wearing your shoes would look and feel like scrambled eggs 😳......but being removed a bit wants you to be able to achieve some of your goals and find ways of doing so. I will go through this at some stage too, and after being close to an in-law that I was there supporting the well one through the unwell ones last breath. I visited unwell one in palliative care a bit. It was a beautiful place with beautiful people working there. I hope this is not too heavy or bringing on the sads for you. 

I can can easily divert too to something a little less intense......Although having said that I’m wound about as tight as I can be hormonally and feeling ripped off. You should hear the swear words in my head going off. Not sure if you ever got into the IT crowd but I’m feeling just like the depiction of aunt Irma :angry_face_with_horns:🔥.  😜

hugs 💜🤗

[Faith-and-Hope]

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@CheerBear wrote:

I'm also feeling pulled between people and things. I feel stressed trying to work out how I'm going to manage being there for people while trying to do the things I want to do (like this school gig and hopefully the volunteering gig) that will help me get back on track, while also not wearing myself out. It's such a tricky balance at the best of times 😏

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Hi @CheerBear 

Just want to say that this is actually the path of the carer.   The more intense the caring role, the more you need personal time with distracting me-stuff, like  what you have listed for yourself.  Kept in a degree of balance (?!), the one helps to counter-weigh the other and keep you more stable in the carer role.  Many carers learn this the hard way, because it seems selfish somehow to be doing things for yourself, but think of it as coming up for air .....

The flip side is that the one/s you are caring for are not left feeling guilty for taking up your whole life with caring for them, because you’re not ..... and they gain pleasure from seeing you succeed with personal goals despite the hardships involved dealing with their world.

This might be a good starting point for convos with fish .... the fact that unwell one will need to gain joy from seeing them doing fish stuff and not getting too sad about precious twilight moments and events .... and that is as important as the walking along with .....

💜💜💜💐💕

[CheerBear]

Thank you @Teej and @Faith-and-Hope. It felt good to read your replies and thoughts last night ❤ I did something cool last night and put beanbags in my bed, covered them in my fluffy pink blanket, collected all of the cats and sunk into a cloud of soft warmth. I slept (reasonably) well and feel much better for it.

You're right @Teej, in where I am in terms of sibling group. There's no other sister either which I think can play into a difference when it comes to our people. I'm not complaining as the closeness is something I value so much but there is an uneven distribution of looking after people that happens. It was particularly full on when they were living here and as much as I was happy to be able to provide that support, I was consumed with the needs of my littler ones and my older ones. Once things start deteriorating with unwell one I think that's going to take on a whole new level which is the stress I've been worrying about.

I realised last night that stress is probably a pretty normal feeling, as is sadness, helplessness, anger, frustration etc. Yay grief 😏. I've spent so long navigating (badly) feelings that I'm often doubtful about what's normal and what's because I can have a banana brain (I am guessing you might be able to relate to that). These grief feelings are probably fairly normal and maybe I can give myself a little break there. Life would be lots easier without sad stuff and feelings though 😉.

I haven't seen IT crowd but giggled a lot when I googled Aunt Irma and found some YouTube clips this morning. Hugs for you with that one. My ovaries declared war on my body last week and I was a hormotional mess of 🤬🤕😡🥺😭🤯. Life would be lots easier without hormones too 😉

@Faith-and-Hope I had a feeling you would have something lovely to go with as far as the littles go. Big thank you and I will tap in to it when I have that tough conversation. Your take on caring for yourself while looking after others is wonderful too. I wish I was more able to think about things the way you have above. Maybe it will come easier with time and practice.

Today I've planned a few dinners, done the groceries and am ready to head out for an appointment soon - that's a vast improvement on yesterday already. It will be a better day today.

Thank you both for being you ❤

[Zoe7]

Just adding in my love and support for you @CheerBear You are doing the best you can with all that you are dealing with and that is enough Hon. ...and as has already been said - you need to continue to live your own life as that is where those brighter moments come for all in your life and it also distracts you from the grief you are feeling at least in the short term.

[CheerBear]

Thank you @Zoe7 - you're very right. I hope you're having an enjoyable, more-chilled-than-usual Wednesday ❤

[Zoe7]

I am @CheerBear Currently watching tv snuggle in the doona with Toby. I can see the day will quickly get away from me but I am okay with that. The last 2 days were pretty full on so the rest is good for me.There is nothing that I cannot leave until later but I will try to get to giving Toby a hair cut later and then a bath. I can't leave that too late though because it will get too cold for him to dry.

I read about you with the bean bags and cats - that sounded so cosy. Toby has a bean bag that he usually ends up in during the night but will the colder weather he is staying snuggled on the pillow on the bed for longer. Gotta love our fur babies