Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Determined]

In our discussion last night I was telling S2 it was ok to cry. Aparently he has never seen me cry so was thinking there was something wrong with him and he should hold it all in. 

Another opportunity to explain that it was not healthy to hold it in and definatly ok to cry and grieve like that. 

[Shaz51]

how is today going @Determined

is your darling visiting her mum today

and how is S2 today xx

[Determined]

Ok @Shaz51

Darling had some good time 1on1 with her mum. S2 didn't want to go up. Too hard for him I think. Darlings sibling causing trouble. Said some hurtful things to Dadinlaw all upset and precious because we did not change our lifestyle to suit him while the is staying. We are all ignorant and bigoted aparently. Family enough to be putting his hand out for a handout though. 🤬🤐

[Former-Member]

@Determined not easy when things are bumpy. Lovely to hear you were able to get in a chat with S2. Finding ways you can grieve in a healthy way important too Bro. 

[Determined]

LoL @Former-Member I thought some of my siblings were off the reservation at times but this guy takes to a whole new level. A little too much smoking of the peace pipe I think and it is having the opposite effect. 

[Smc]

@Determined, we had a "long term guest" at one time, a friend who moved in with us when she was otherwise at risk of ending up homeless. The arrangement stretched out longer than was healthy, so clashes in values that we could smooth over or overlook at first became real issues.
In situations like that a bit of distance can keep things healthier, but when its family, how to create a "safe margin" is a tricky question.

[Determined]

Well we had an exciting afternoon here... if you could call it that.

Darling had an unfortunate meltdown and told her mum exactly what she thought of her sibling.

Most of what she said could be justified but mum really does not need to hear such things T this time in her life and is most likely hurting at the moment. All she wants is her children to get along 😔  darlings other brother does not have anything to do with this sibling either as he really is a waste of fresh air.

I think darling is pretty emotional as him being he has resurfaced a lot of hurt and trauma (my suspicion and gut feeling, I have not discussed this with her at all).

It has been my belief for a long time based on little things said over time that add up to a bigger picture that this sibling has been the cause of a lot of the trauma in darlings childhood that has led to her current condition...   She is already at a genetic disadvantage but the added trauma is what has broken her.  Siblings first of numerous taxpayer funded vacations was when she was 9, a time she felt lots of shame for the family. There was also lots of intimidating behaviour before this time that darling vividly remembers, some little things mum has forgotten when I have asked (in the interests of getting darling help in this area).  Some thing may be magnified in her mind... maybe not. Either way his conduct has been a source of trauma.    I can not begin to comprehend how such a screwed up individual can come out of such a loving home with such devoted and caring parents.  

The family eventually moved cities (not because of that as far as I know) and darling felt some relief starting fresh but he eventually followed and ended up as front page news again (the week before our wedding), so not only did all her friends know all out of town family were asking why he was not there. More shame for darling to take on. 

So here we are, darling re-traumatised angry and resentful. The anger and resentment if not properly addressed usually results in a rapid downhill slide so hoping we can get past this ☹

[Former-Member]

@Determined

I suspect for a high proportion of our loved ones their story is associated with trauma, Mr D's certainly was.

It is a tough one when it is family who are the offenders, Mr Darcy's family was torn apart. I cannot imagine how heart breaking it was and still is your FIL, MIL + family;  it is never easy when there is addiction, intimidation and indictable offenses. I read that addiction is the disease that makes a person too selfish to see the havoc they have created and too selfish to care about the people whose lives they have shattered.  

Perhaps with gentleness you might be able to encourage your Darling to get some counseling together to work on how boundaries can be set in relation to the sibling.  He will not go away and in the natural course of events and when FIL passes, there is potential for futher conflict and pain. 

It is perhaps timely that the next Topic Tuesday is on vicarious trauma Bro. I know for many of us our hearts well up with compassion towards our loved ones as we see how when they were vulnerable their hearts were crushed; how they saw and experienced things that no one ever should. We want to protect our loved ones so that they are never hurt again.  We feel angry at those who have hurt them, we want revenge and speaking for myself am often thankful that no one knows of the punishments I felt the perpetrators should be subjected to (and perhaps enjoyed thinking of these things, but would never enact any of them).

For me the time came when I did not want to be held captive to the bitterness and anger that I was holding on to and I sought healing which came about in the form of forgiveness, which I don't think I really understood.  This talk really helped me in relation to this:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mEK2pIiZ2I0

[Former-Member]

@Determined

How are things going Bro?

[Determined]

Not without drama but all quiet here atm @Former-Member.