Lived Experience Forum

[FloofMuffin]

Hi guys,

I've been dating this guy that's been recently diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I know very little about BPD, much less how to support him, so I'm just reaching out to you to find out how your families, friends and partners have helped you.

Many thanks in advance!

[Determined]

Hi @FloofMuffin and welcome to the forum,

I don't have BPD my wife does, some people who may be able to help (hope you dont mind me tagging you) are @BlueBay & @Ali585  I am trying to think of others I have spoken with, will add them as they come to mind. All the best. 

[BlueBay]

Hi @Determined there is a blog written by a partner of a BPD sufferer. I can't remember where it is. But if you type in the search box "BPD blog" it hopefully will come up. @NikNik can you help pls.

[BlueBay]

sorry the above was for @FloofMuffin
Hi @Determined 😊

[Lunar]

Hello @FloofMuffin

Welcome to the forums 🙂

It is great you are reaching out for some support and information in how to best support your partner, it can be overwhelming trying to figure out what works in your relationship when mental health issues are present but to start with, here is a blog called Living with and Loving Someone with BPD as well as a BPD Guide

We also had a Topic Tuesday a couple of months ago which focused on questions around Having a Loved One With BPD you might find it helpful to read.

There is also a great thread started by @Change123 which focused on how Emotional Discipline- A BPD Perspective worked for her and some of the struggles she had with her partner and how their support worked for her.

I look forward to getting to know you a bit better 🙂

Lunar

[Change123]

Hi @FloofMuffin@Lunar

Its very refreshing to know that their are supportive partners out there!

Well my family hasnt as they have been the main cause of my pain etc and at first my partner didnt as he believed all the information out there (ie. we do it on purpose to hurt you, we manipulate etc) But he learned a bit more from a carers support group (even though there was some tough love approach) I guess looking back some of the tough love helped as I just didnt want the crap anymore.  He made sure there were consequences to my bad actions and constantly makes me aware of faulty thinking.

But along with that which I feel helped me was me just concentrating on one emotion at a time and giving myself some disciplines. Ie. no raging, I did this every day I would concentrate on not raging and then reward myself with something nice if I achieved it.  Once I got that down I would move onto another like negativity etc.

I also feel from the heart what we need in terms of support is tough love but along with loads of love.  Sometimes when we seem at our worst all we want to know is that someone does care about us so a big hug can go a long way.  We find it hard to express ourselves and our feelings so being listened to and heard is a big thing for us even if it doesnt seem much to you. To have someone as a sounding board so you know if your thoughts or feelings are not normal.  Sometimes its just good to say whats on your mind the thoughts and feelings to someone who you know wont be judgemental etc and can honestly tell you if its not logical or not.

What I feel are donts

Dont put us down or make us feel worthless we struggle so much with selfworth and self hatred

Be firm but kind - but be aware being firm at first may make us feel like you are against us but its something I believe we need to get used to (boundaries basically)

Dont freak out at us when we act up, to try and make us realise or give us time out until we can refocus, one thing my partner did wrong at the beginning was when things got too much for me I would call time out and he would say no no you are not getting away with it and would continue to the point of following me around and I would just freak and have a total melt dowb and then it would be see see how you act. You have no idea the amount of frustration and pain this gave me.

Dont tell us you will walk out on us - this only fuels the abandonement feeling.

I guess some of what they say is true we are children who never got to grow emotionally due to pain, abuse or what ever happened to us.  So when we freak out it is very much like kids having a tantrum and I do understand that analagy but we dont need to be humilated or screamed at or abused it just fuels this more - we dont do this on purpose our brains have been hardwired from a young age to act this way in a defensive manner so it takes a while to break this - be patient.

Your partner is a very lucky person to have someone like you who wants to support them - its not an easy road.

Good luck

[Ali585]

Hi

I don't have a clear answer. My family haven't been very supportive. My friends have been great - but I can't put into words what has an hasn't been helpful. 

My advice to you is get informed (which it looks like you are doing). Understanding what's going on is helpful. And also find out what treatment options are available. BPD specific stuff - DBT is becoming more common I think but there are others. I've done MBT and got along well with it. It can be hard to find/get into but definately worth it.

Try to remember that however illogical or irrational something might seem - it is real to the person. 

Look after yourself. You can't help as well if you're tired, or run down or drowning in your own emotions.

Be honest. Yes it may hurt them. And yes they may act out if it upsets them. But its better if you say up front taht you can't do something than make promises you have to break. 

And remember your role is to support them. You can't fix  the issue for them. They have to want to do it and as i said above they need to have someone treating them who is trained to do so. I wrote this post (https://mifa.saneforums.org/t5/Our-experience-stories/thoughts-about-being-chronically-suicidal/m-p/...) about my experiences with chronic suicidal thoughts which can also just be applied generally. His happiness is not solely your responsibility.