Lived Experience Forum

[Isla]

Hi I'm just wondering how other people cope with feeling vulnerable and distressed from others personal conversations when they're in social settings and people are really just trying to include you and get to know you. However (to me) questions such as 'do you have children', 'are you married', 'do you have family' cause immense distress.

Psychologists have told me they are normal questions for people to ask, end of conversation. I'm left feeling completely bewildered as to how to cope.

Getting over your personal circumstances sometimes just doesn't happen. I real question is how do other people who've endured lots of personal tragedies deal with other people's 'conversations and questions' when they're out socialising and doing their best in trying to live a normal life and come across as a normal person.

Any useful suggestions are welcome.

[Sahara]

Hi @Isla,

thanks for asking such an important question. Yes, I agree with your psychologist that asking a person if they are married or have children is a very normal thing to do.... but if you suffer from social anxiety like I do, then these questions can feel a bit intimidating.

I have a gut feeling that it might have been more helpful if your psychologist explored your feelings around these questions a bit more..... I mean, there are plenty of people out there who aren't married and who don't have children who are perfectly comfortable with people asking about it. But you are not comfortable. You feel that you have been put on the spot and you don't know what to say.

You could brush the questions aside and turn what you see as a negative into a positive. For example, you could say "Nope. I'm single and ready to mingle!" But it takes confidence and practice to do this. 

I haven't had a lot of personal tragedies in my life, but I have had plenty of failed relationships, my Mum has passed away and my Dad has cancer. I've also suffered from major depression and severe anxiety and been unfairly dismissed from a job. I'm childless by choice. (More or less.....!)

I don't see my life as any better or worse than anyone else's.... It's just my life and I own it.  People who meet me out socially (not that I socialize much) probably think I don't have a care in the world.... because I smile and put on a brave face, even though I don't feel confident at all.  I doubt I have ever had one ounce of confidence my whole life.

I guess I don't have an easy answer for you, @Isla. I will say that most people you meet are not out to judge you or measure you up. They are just average people who might also feel quite self-conscious in social situations. So even though you feel like you don't fit it... you might be surprised at how accepting people are of your situation. 

Not that I would reccommend taking the conversation to the level of spilling all the details of your life with people you have only just met. It takes time to build up trust in people. Please feel free to write back with anything that is on your mind.

 Sahara.

[Lunar]

Hello @Isla

Thank you for starting this interesting and helpful thread, it sounds quite challenging feeling very distressed when people ask you these personal questions, I think lots of people struggle with these questions every day.

I like what @Sahara wrote about exploring this further with your psychologist and working on some ways you can prepare yourself for these common questions and what is coming up for you when they are asked.

Also, sometimes people find it helpful to practise or role play these conversations, so you are prepared with what to say.

Personally, I find it helpul to turn the conversation back towards them, so start asking them about their life and it takes the pressure off you, and most people like talking about themselves so they will appreciate it if you ask these questions 🙂

[getbetter]

Hello @Isla I don't deal those questions very well either, also job questions I say I work away fifo, I wish we could just say " I have a serious mental illness that affects me greatly and I live with my mum" and not have the room go silent, If you had a broken leg , that's a conversation starter, mental illness, all you hear is crickets chirping.

[Former-Member]

yes a good question

i have become very artful at eluding questions, rediverting them, changing subjects and showing extreme interest in another's conversation when really I feel as though I am watching paint dry.

I secretly have smiled to myself too. Endlessly listening to others feeling sorry for themselves because their big toe hurts.

Yes throw in, well only last week I just didnt want to be here anymore!. Only two months ago I was in the mental clinic again. I too can imagine the shock horror.

We all handle it differently and that  is the answer what is best for us.

Personally I prefer to think  that people see me as who  I am, as a person, not as an illness.

I now have the added ingredient of my older son diagnosed with a mental illness. He has moved away and keeps his whereabouts secret.

So something else for me to skirt around. I hear myself replying yes he has chosen to live interstate and is studying (which he does on and off). He is finding himself. If further pressed, no I dont know where he is, he has chosen to  take some time out.

You will find what suits you, where you feel most comfortable.

keep  writing