Lived Experience Forum

[Princessmolly]

I have been feeling generally well the last few days. I quit my meds after a rough slow taper that lasted months and i am finally feeling motivated, interested in life, less hungry all the time etc. I have joined a gym and weight watchers.
The one negative thing i find is that while i dont feel depressed this week, my toddlers constant whining is making me so irritated. I swear i have the most unhappy clingy kid i know and i feel like my depression made him like this.
How do you keep your cool when someone is at you 24/7. I wanted to take him back to daycare after picking him up early today because i just cant deal. He wint ever be put down and he is HEAVY. My back and arms are aching constantly and my chiro wont see me till i have an mri because my back is do bad. He just opened thd fridge and urinated in the vegtable crisper. I decided to put myself in time out with a cup of tea and let my husband deal with him for a bit....any advice much appreciated

[Rick]

@Princessmolly Hi Molly I'm Rick.

I too had a baby and toddler who was demanding and insistent. Then I found out that all my friends with kids had the same child it seemed. I was irritated. Sometimes I even got angry. 

Feelings and actions are vastly different.

I didn't act on my feelings except to say as she got a little older " please jr, just stop talking"

I still guilty. Did we contribute to the behaviours? well yes. We were not perfect. We didn't always agree on parenting style. We didn't know everything that you need to know. So of course we made errors of judgement. Show me the parent who makes no mistakes and I'll show  you a character from a fantasy novel.

As to the physical issues, there is still more than enough time to change your style of parenting. Again parents who don't evolve end up with stunted children and are very unhappy themselves.

It's important to remeber that life is challenge after challenge.

It's probably better to introduce that concept to our offsprinfg earlier rather than later.

Will it cause stress for the child and yourself.? yes, but the child's stress is a neccessary part of learning to experience the realities of life from ealriest development right through to their old age. Their stress often makes us feel guilty, and upset and challenged  and annoyed. This too is normal.

Something a friend of mine who is in her late 80's recently told me was very profound. 

she raised 9 kids. Each kid she evolved and found new ways of making mistakes. Soonish, she realised that that was just how life is and how humans develop. She took the pressure by simply accepting her huamanity. 

I responded " well that's all good and well, but I am noones Guru"

she i didn't have to be. 

If you are doing something which is not working. Stop doing that, and try something that might. The kids will kick and scream, but thats what they are hard wired to do when they hit a new boundary. It shows they the boundary is real and eventually they relax into but will always test those boundaries in ways that we as adults find bloody difficult.

You've only got one body. It needs to last you a long time. SO do what you need to, know that change is good and a necessary part of healthy child development. 

You have described a life filled with challlenges thart you have met face on. You've kept going. That means you are strong, and it means you are resliient. Take comfort inthat. 

I have wondered whether my illnesss has effected my daughter. It probably has. But as I will always be her father I can always support and help her through the difficult times. 

That is what we do. That is what we parents do. 

I used to end my posts with two words. 

I don't, personally, always believe the truth of tthem but

Hope endures

R

[Former-Member]

Hey @Princessmolly,

pleased for you some things have come back on track💜  and good job on taking time out. I know you're stuck between a rock and a hard place too with very little support systems. It makes it so very hard. 

when I was largely alone and had 4 boys under 5.5 I befriended the lady next door who didn't have grandchildren and she used to spend a little time with my kids, enough for me to breathe.  I'm not sure if you can find someone to take a grandma role which may help with his clingyness.

I guess the second thought that came to mind was whether your son has been assessed or looked at to make sure his development is ok. Have child care any concerns. Please don't see this as a judgement. My son didn't get tested until he was 16 and I only found out something was wrong because his school said they were treating him as an Asperger Syndrome kid. It may just help if in the small chance there is something wrong but you could also then discuss your concerns about his clinging in possible relation to your depression.

As for him peeing in the crisper you'll never know what to expect with little boys. Sometimes they are shockers. It made me laugh but only because I could picture one of mine doing something like that. Boys often think of the world as their toilet, well mine did and it didn't help their step father role modelled it often preferring to pee in the garden than go inside to use the toilet😝

Lastly it may pay if you can see a counsellor, even a community services one that charges minimally to get some help with emotion regulation and dealing with anger. If you are into self help there are lots of resources on the net about DBT techniques to help with controlling your emotions. I struggle being over reactive and with emotion regulation as well so I get that part. I'm only just beginning to get some of it but I'm not also in the pressure cooker you are. Take care @Princessmolly wishing you all the very best 💜😊

[Princessmolly]

Thanks @Former-Member. Some great suggestions. I think my son is ok in that he is fine with others its just when he is with me that he acts out.
I constantly get told how clever, fun, sociable, independent he is but when i am around he literally clings to me for dear life.
Some part of his body has to be touching me 90% of the time. We are co sleeping still i keep trying to get him to sleep alone but he just isnt keen and bellows MUUUM all night and comes and finds me if he notices im not there lol.
I already know his first words tomorrow will be up. Ans that he will pull everything out of the fridge every time i.open it....and that he will want to sit on my knee while i poop. And thwt he will scream through my entire shower. We sleep on a floor bed and its incredibly hard to get up with a 15kg child attatched to you. I wish he would just use his legs they are perfectly fine. Sorry for the tangent i guess apart from a lack of patience with tantrums i feel touched out. I do feel like a crappy mum and beat myself up mentally about my thoughts and feelings. I love this kid hd is ny everything i just want ys to have a happy life no every little think being a huge drama

[Former-Member]

Hey @Princessmolly my youngest didn't really sleep in his own bed until he was five. We used to have a special made up bed under our bed that he would crawl into in the middle of the night. I would put him to bed every night and he would always come in and drag out his little bed and crawl in. As long as he was next to us he was ok. It was just his old cot mattress and bedding but big enough for him still. I think if I hadn't have had my kids so close my first born would have been so clingy too. He had to learn the hard way when my second was born 13 months after him and I spent 5 weeks in hospital that I wasn't his attachment. I struggled with the lack of personal space as well have 4 so close there was always one attached to me somehow. Glad everything with him is ok. Just remember this too shall pass one day, I know it's not much consolidation but it does get better. Mine are now 16-21 but I still remember some of being in the trenches in those early years. 

[Princessmolly]

I think i am going to have to start my meds again 😧 i font feel sepressed just so so angry. I just yelled at my toddler that they are a naughty little brat. Who does that. My life is such a disaster its laughable i should never of had kids. I had no buisness thinking i could do this seeung as i am such a friggen joke of a person.

[Nearly80]

Hello Princessmolley.  I read, with great interest, what you have shared with us.  I understand your profound unhappiness and your lack of self confidence and self esteem.  I am presuming you are this way because, like me, your parents gave you nothing for all your needs through out your childhood.

I have been seeing my psychiatrists regularly for 15 years.  He agrees that I was deprived and abused through out my childhood- to the extent that as a person I presented exactly the same as 95% of all the inmates in our jails.  However thanks to some water shed experiences my whole value systems got a very painful re-think and replacement.  All this resulted in changing me from a hot tempered strong mood swinging incompetent human to a very successful father - just in time.  I read you as being very similar to where I was for so long.  All this has nothing to do with "born again christian", frankly I despise our church group[s for the damage they have caused to parishioners.

Are you interested and brave enough to be taken through the journey to help you dump the crap that's got hold of you?   Nearly80

[Princessmolly]

I woueplgdd try almost nything @Nearly80

[Rick]

I think @Nearly80 knows his stuff

[Former-Member]

Hi @Princessmolly,

ive been thinking about you on and off all day and about your posts on different threads. I'm hoping I'm not overstepping the mark but if feels like you are reaching out so strongly trying to find some direction and hope. I am not a therapist but my gut says that you need to find some good help for you to get through. I can hear the love you have for your child and husband and am so glad you have such good support and it is time to put your energy into helping and funding help for you because you are worth it. I have been part of the public system but have seen a few therapists in the private system as well.  I really believe you'll have a much better chance in the private system but see if you can shop around until you find one that fits. It took me 4 before I found one I connected to. Then I was restricted to the public system and I have had some really bad experiences with some but a couple of good ones too. I am now back to seeing my therapist privately but she accommodates for my low income so I can afford to see her. She is making a huge difference for me and giving me the support I so desperately needed. I look back on much of my parenting with shame at how reactive I was with my kids, I used blame a lot as well. I wish I'd had help and worked through my issues while my kids were young as I've passed some of my issues on to my kids but you have a chance to work through it now and make a difference. I know it will be hard but it will be worth it. Thinking of you, take care💜😊