Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Carlachris]

I adore my husband but when do you say enough. I can’t answer that. As we speak my darling is going through the same crisis, episode outburst whatever.....I’m tired. I can’t reach him today. Swings and roundabouts blame me for not understanding his babbling nonsense the accusations the mixing up of what I have said to suit his purposes of demoralizing me. Very very similar to your dad. The intensity pulls me into his void and I have to continually somehow someway recover. I’m very ....so very very  tired of being owned by his mental health. I feel blackmailed and alone. My husband is medicated and has been for 30 yrs. I have begged him to take more as he is allowed to do and he is falling asleep. Then come the apologies, the insecurity, the suffocating behaviors  trying to pre think my thoughts. Then more apologies more mania then finally some form of peacefulness but never quite fully happy. Till next time. He knows it’s breaking my spirit and we have a new phsychologist to meet in 3 wks because I again begged him to seek help as he is willing to do. I can’t carry another human anymore. It’s all encompassing. I wish my darling son from a previous marriage ( your age)  could help but I hide it from him. He knows the basics but not the depth of how bad it gets. Your mother has you and your sister and that  must be a blessing. We are alone together. I am his only. If he succeeds in breaking me he will have no one. Medication is my only key for him at the moment. Hugs to you and yours.

[Ehmelle]

@Carlachris thank you for sharing your experience. I felt a sense of comfort reading your words knowing that we are united to beat this stupid disorder together.

Though at times it no dout consumes our energy, I know we can hold onto happier times to help us get us by. I hope that one day there were will more government grants on pushing for more research into PPD to make treatment easily accessible for our loved ones. Until then we can only unite and share stories of strength in hope that we will be able to lift one another to get through this. I pray your husband will also seek peace in his mind and you both will move past this. Positivity gets me by the tough days as there needs to be a better way to help our loved ones.

Can I please ask you to consider sharing more with your son? I know you might feel as his mum to want to protect him; and often my mum tries to shield us from this too. But as your children, know we are here to love you and to care for you. Whether it be a shoulder, an afternoon away or to suggest ways of removing you from these situations. After all these years I have come to the realisation that my parents are getting older and I dont want to one day look back and realise the life the my mum led was hard, exhausting and draining. I want her to know it is never too late to take your own path; close this chapter and move on. It isnt the easy way out but sometimes these things just need to happen for closure and self- happiness.

I hope that you will find support from those around you to get through this. You arent alone. There are many of us in the same boat who are sending you plenty of strength and happy vibes to get you through the tougher days.

[Carlachris]

Thankyou for your very kind words. We are in the aftermath today. I’m a mess he is very down. We havnt really slept. The pattern continues. We are gentle quiet people but he has been abused his entire life by his mentally unstable mother. The wounds are deep. The trauma is at its strongest at the moment because she is physically very frail at age 89 but emotionally crueler than ever. It is very toxic. She is his trigger. We stay away but the mother son bond no matter how disturbed is tearing him apart. I just don’t know how to soothe him anymore. My darling son is a wonderful support but we have reached that stage of no one can help anymore you just have to go through it. My sons 29 and his girlfriend is very ill with a tumor behind her ear. They are only barely holding it together for the sake of the kids. Holding my breath that today will be better. As I hope yours will be. Thankyou for being a kind friend. Dearly needed at the moment. We don’t have cultural boundaries but definitely society. There is no help other than the last resort of a mental health unit. There just is none. Please somehow find a way to convey to your mum there is another lady on the forum going through pretty much the same as her. And an extra hug from me. X

[Ehmelle]

@Carlachris, thank you for your message today. I am sorry to hear today wasn't a good one. My thoughts are with you and your family today, in particular your son and his family. Hang in there. You are doing a tremendous job supporting your loved ones. Time will pass and things will be better again. Those are the moments that get us by.

We had a better day today. He woke up chirpier, social and was out gardening again today. This typically lasts 2 days before we're back to the cycle again so we all recharge our batteries without feeling like we are walking on egg shells and enjoy the moments of calm. It is like having two completely different dads.

Have there been any support groups other than forums that have been helpful? We are based in Melbourne Australia and haven't come across any PPD support groups.

M

[Michael1978]

Hi, I'm battling it with my mother . I've found some things that have a definite positive affect. And I've learned what makes things worse. How has it been going?

[JoeSmith]

I share your mother's pain. My wife suffers from PPD. This has not been confirmed by a formal diagnoses as I cannot get her to visit a psychologist. The problems started about 5 years ago when my wife started to accuse me of all sorts of mental disturbances and threatened me with divorce if I dont go for councelling. As I went from psychologist to psychologist, with the reports that I do not have a problem, she would just change the problem and demand that I see a next one. Until the coucellors indicated that my wife might have PPD. She was referred for evaluation but have always found a way not to go. Reading up on the subject I realised that all the signs and traits are present. But this does not help me at all. I do not have formal confirmation and she is oblivious. At first I thought that she was just having mood swings after her menopause. Sometimes she is just fine and then I have my doubts. But out of the blue, she then starts blaming, accusing and quarreling. In trying to cope with this, I have tried everything.

I know now, trying to argue or disagree, does not work. She just disregard any information that contradicts her views and become quarrelsome. Trying to get her to  a psychologist, does not work. She has seen a few but become distrustfull as soon as they say something that does not confirm her beliefs and refuses to see that person again. Trying to hug or comfort her does not work. She sees this as control an manipulation. Trying to lift the atmosphere with humor does not work. She sees this as putting her down. Giving flowers is manipulation. Not responding verbally is emotional abuse. Disagreeing is emotional abuse and controlling.

I have noticed though, that when I am firm, with a short statement of disagreement and then removing myself for a while to curb escalating argumentativeness, seems to be the best strategy. As soon as I detect a negative moodswing, I try to remove myself for a period of time. I know that this sounds like escapism, but until I can find a better coping mechanism, this worked the best for me. Trying to talk about any problem just leads to arguments, as she is so rigid in her thinking and beliefs. I love my wife and, with the knowledge that she might have a mental problem, I would like to support her the best I can. She makes it so difficult though.

[Carlachris]

Hi, Joe. I have been in your shoes with my hubby. Very similar the roller coaster merry go round. It’s very hard to tell someone they are paranoid as they can’t see it. I’m very glad you have found what works for now. I became very observant like you and would firmly say “please lower The intensity. “ and removed myself from the PPD spiral. My husband is seeing a wonderful psychologist who has been able to break through and help. I just couldn’t cope anymore and Begged my husband to seek help. We love each other dearly but I couldn’t carry the emotional weight and my life was being dominated by his PPD. Have you tried firmly insisting your wife seeks help on her own. No ultimatum that won’t work. Just an outright your making me unhappy and I know you love me please find someone to talk to? Like you I have tried everything but when it comes down to it outright blunt truth works for us. I hope you find your way. All the best.