Lived Experience Forum

[finxation]

Hi everyone, this is my first time posting anything about my experience with mental illness online and I just wanted to share what its like for me when I had a mini-psychosis episode today. I have been diagnosed with bi polar disorder, and this is my third episode of psychosis.

So this morning at around 2am I woke up from a really weird and scary dream. My thoughts were all over the place as I was trying to make sense of it and put all of the pieces together. I felt that the dream was like a message or signal for me and I started trying to find other pieces to the puzzle and I made what I thought was a significant realisation about the TV show Rick and Morty. My realisation was that Rick and Morty arent really related at all, Rick is Morty's caregiver in a sense that he is the only one that can get Morty to be his real self by putting him in horrible situations, in short Morty is a psychopath. I went to the bathroom and then my son woke up, I went back to bed after settling him to sleep again. When I got up around 8am I know I didnt sleep properly and I decided to wake my husband and tell him about my realisation and weird dream. He advised me to take more of my medication as that is the action plan from my psychatrist and I called work and explained I couldnt come in today and I called my psychatrists office to make an appointment. All the while my thoughts were ticking over, trying to find piece of the imaginary mind puzzle I was trying so desperately to put together. I was having an existential crisis, what if this life is a dream? Who am I really and is everyone around me just there to stop me from harming myself or others, am I the real psychopath? I was sure I was onto something, I was going to find out the truth about myself. I started thinking about running away, getting myself away from the people close to me so they couldn't smokescreen me, so I could finally find the truth, whatever that is. At one point I was going to just sneak out through our courtyard and leave, but I thought better of it, where would I go? I would be a homeless person. I thought, I could be homeless for a while, I had already taken a shower, maybe I could find my way to a foreing country because the english language itself had started to feel like a mind trap to me. I managed to go with my husband to see the GP, as I needed a certificate for work. Just having a chat about it and getting support made such a difference. Gradually over the day things started to improve, especially after I had a nap, though I dont think I slept.

With my first episode there was no clear cause. Second episode was attributed to stress of caring for my baby and this third one? Well I was attacked on the street on my way home from work on Monday by an agressive woman. I wasnt injured but I think the stress of the attack and knowing I would be having an important meeting at work today to discuss returning full time compounded and caused an episode.

Reflecting on what happened today I understand why it is so important to communicate with supportive people and have an action plan to stop a big episode from happening.

Thanks.

[Queenie]

Hi @finxation,

Were you able to get an appointment with your psychiatrist, and, if so can I ask how it went? It certainly seems like you have a lot on your mind, like a lot of different thoughts whizzing around in there. I too sometimes get unusual dreams which can turn into delusionary thinking and false realisations, however my experience of psychosis differs from yours somewhat (I also see and hear things which are not considered normal as nobody else experiences these). 

It's good you have the insight to ask for an appointment with your pdoc, it's probably the best advice I could've given you too.

[finxation]

Hi. My psychiatrist is away at the moment and I couldn't get an appointment until the 14 of June. But I did discover an online service that I have started using. It's 35USD a week but I figure if I have at least one session a week that costs as much as a psychologist anyway and I can send messages any time.
The main things that worry me are that I'm a psychopath and no one will ever tell me I am because then I would be dangerous and the whole world is a Truman show type bubble.

[Former-Member]

I have found reading a good book you have read before can give comfort in smell or memories.

I once tried going on streets but you never get to sleep for weeks and on your feet to stay alive stretching in carparks all night long very lonely and i put pooh on my clothes to keep people away. It was my relapse. I do not have children but did have hubby and abortion. Sad. Now i know better to get help. I was avoiding people because of my family history dads suicide.

Regarding going to the streets we had an old cat last winter who was anemic and belonged next door. We fed him when they were away and they did not want him put down but to fight to the end. I told mum we should let him in but she said no cat inside. One morning the poor thing lay in front of our unit on concrete paralysed to the concrete as it had fallen asleep there. He meowed but was nearly gone. We called the owners. Next time i will make a box for the cat to rest on top of. That i imagine is the risks you have as a homeless person too. True story.

Go to a local library. Ask where the nearest community health centre is. Ask for any help even donations or options about living and coping. Even a short respite via a mental health worker like APARC. Possibly you can have a carer if you have an established mental health disability like me. Just be informed about options. We are all precious and unique and have rights.

Try the app smiling mind and save favorites.