Lived Experience Forum

[Fiz]

Ok so it isn't a nightmare, so much as a persistent ache. And yes being dramatic I have borrowed the title from Alice Cooper (I commonly use song titles and lyrics which seems typical for Aspies). This does ramble a bit and I keep editing but will publish as-is lest I don't publish at all.

I have been here a week and talked to a few people, tried to provide help to others - using my typically Aspie (Aspergers - part of the Autism Spectrum) approach which I will say does not suit all expectations. But I feel I have not really said what I hope to get our of being here. Something I know part of me is trying to avoid.

I came to this forum wanting to find something new. A way to connect with others because I feel totally useless at this in real life which has lead to me being a bit of a shut-in. I don't talk to anyone about this as openly as I would like because; a) it terrifies me that this may be the best I can hope for out of life, b) I feel that people don't want to know, c) I'm not good at asking for help - I feel embarrassed that I am in this pickle and can't find the answer.

I am Aspie and I (quite typically) see the world in a way that seems different from people around me and feel that increasingly that puts me in a different place from others. It has gotten to the point where I am frightened of being open with anyone - yes even this screen as I type - but I will try.

I had a relationship for about 8.5 years but that was less than ideal. While I loved her, I found her overbearing and unaccepting of what makes me who I am. She started out by liking that I was different from the men before but she also wanted me to suit her ideal partner who it turned out was really the men she had had before. I won't claim to have not been part of the problem as I must have been, but my family was concerned as they saw this lady as not seeing me as an equal. When I tried to establish myself over things that mattered to me (from the layout of my work area to tucking in my shirt) it always resulted in a huge argument, one she never let me walk away from (last word syndrome). In the end, I got tired of trying (and failing to make things happy) so I simply stopped. Of course, it all got ugly and I simply said no to doing it all again. I thought that would free me to have a better life.

In the couple of years since I have tried dating a few times (real-world & internet) but in every instance the results are less than pleasing. I have made a couple of loose friendships but most of the time I get blown-off pretty darned fast.

One of my work situations is getting quieter every week. That is just me working alone solo so I can't help but feel responsible for the decline. Increasingly I feel like I must be doing everything wrong (and being family they don't want to tell me).

I am a musician and even there find that same frustration. Each album gets less positive feedback (yep, that un-cool crap again). Help I offer in a music forum has come under attack several times so I am careful what I do and offer of myself. I got handed a CD by someone last week and it is pretty darned good. I would have sent off an excited email but now I feel silly to do that as he wants me to like his work (which I helped happen as he was avoiding putting the record out) but doesn't comment on mine. Feels one-sided and like I would be being silly.

When I was younger I always felt like I was different and on the side of life but I had a life. I put myself out and while I was rebuffed a quite a lot I was also welcomed by a few people. Now I feel like I am outside of life, that there is no way for me to be part of anything bigger than myself. I feel like I am accepted in situations where I have a use (work, as a dance partner) but no more than that as I am annoying, faulty or a "weirdo".

I used to be a cheery and active person but now I feel like simple, pleasurable things like going to the beach or riding my bike (to the beach) are increasingly not worth doing. I am afraid to even try liking anyone (let alone showing that) as I come away feeling worse from the rejection/failure.

Logic suggests that this is my failing but I can't work out how and how to overcome it as doing the things I want to, seem to create the same outcome again. Am I being a narcissist, paranoid, did I fall out of time & fashion, should I just 'suck it up' & 'just do it' or whatever the latest meme Lorna Jane t-shirt says...?

Thaks for reading and any feedback welcome.

🙂

[utopia]

@Fiz. Welcome to the forum. I'm so pleased you posted your thoughts and worries here.
I just want to start by saying that we are all different, unique & wonderful people. That doesn't mean that it's not painful to feel excluded from the crowd.
It sounds like you are being very hard on yourself & that the negative self talk, that we all have, is very high and making it harder for you to do the things you love & to do the things you 'should'. That's a really hard place to be.
I'd like to suggest talking these things over with a psychologist or counselor. To help get your depression lifted and to find ways of moving forward again.
The CD you liked. If you were that musician, what would you like to happen - if you presented your music to someone whose opinion mattered to you? Would it be too hard to send him an email saying you loved it - if that is how you felt? He obviously thinks highly of your opinion.
Sometimes we give and don't get anything back. Sometimes we receive without giving. That's okay. There is no scoreboard.
But you do sound lonely. And that can be a hard place to be. Especially when you desire a relationship. I know. I've been on my own for over 10 years. And it can be hard.
Don't stop being you. Someone will genuinely love who you truly are. And when that happens, I believe it will have been worth the wait.

[Fiz]

Thanks @utopia

Probably you are right. I don't expect anyone here to solve or fix me. What I have found is that if you ask life for help it tends to give it in some way. Maybe that is directly in your advice.

I know that I have fallen into thinking poorly of myself and value to others. It makes me paranoid and not even try. Neither good things.

I always hope I will get a happy email from someone who has looked and listened to my stuff so probably safe to assume they hope the same from me - even if they don't behave the way I expect them to.

🙂

[utopia]

@Fiz. It is disappointing when people don't react the way we hope or with the same morals as us.
Hopefully other members will read your post and may have some ideas that may help you.
@Faith-and-Hope @TAB @Former-Member @Appleblossom @TheVorticon @Former-Member. Any of you guys have some helpful suggestions for @Fiz

[Former-Member]

thanks for the tag @utopia

Firstly welcome to the forums @Fiz im glad youve psted your story here and your most welcome to anytime you like.

everyone on here is different and has their own personality and its great you have yours, imagine if we were all the same, it would be apretty boring place now wouldnt it?

as @utopia said i also think it would be helpful for you to speak to a counsellor as well to help you be able to better manage your feelings as well 🙂

its ok to be scared, we all get scared sometimes but being on here is great for support and everyone has great advice with their own individual touch just as you do. it up to others if they take your advice, its great that your even commenting on threads. if they dont want to take your advice thats ok if they do thats ok too.

i dont think you should change who you are, you sound like a lovley person and people should like you for who you are not what they want you to be.

have you considered joining a support group for Aspies in your area? that way they can relate to others in person and make friends who 'understand the way you view the world'? or maybe another interest group?

on here you can express yourself as opnely and freely as you like @Fiz  dont ever forget that. alot of people on here including myself have had troubles expressing ourselves and sometimes what i i write i think it makes no sense and then others jump in and i start thinking ok someone actually undersstands and if they dont well they are still supporting me anyway which is Awesome! so dont be afraid to express yourself.

you are definently not a 'weirdo' you are a unique indivdual doesnt matter what medical or mental health conditon you have your still a person who deserves just as much respect as the rest of us and you deserve nothing less.

is there anything that you really enjoy doing and give you a sense of success or happiness? sports? art? gardening? doing the things you like and succeed at can alos lift your spirits

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @Fiz .... just dropping by to say hello .... 😊

I have been here for a year now and something I have seen is that engaging with people here can be a way of re-booting irl (in real life) .... it's sort of a backwater where people understand and are accepting about all the ups and downs of an mi .... and we get to know each other in a different way .... like pen-pals ... which is no less real in one sense.  

Pre-Internet, people wrote to others in friendship or family relationship, perhaps for their whole life, without ever meeting each other.

Once you are feeling a bit more together here, that is likely to flow over to irl interactions, and affect choices that bring about different results ....

Nice to meet you .... see how you go ....

[Former-Member]

how are you going @Fiz

[esprit]

I would be interested to know if people on the autism spectrum or Asperger can learn better social skills..

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @esprit .... 

I don't know a lot about it ... outside my experience .... but there are aspies on here that do just fine.  Some have support services they lean in, I know that much, but it's a skill development thing I think.

Hope that helps.

@plasmo .... wanna correct me if I'm wrong here ?

[TheVorticon]

Hi @Fiz,

I also joined this forum relatively recently looking for some sort of connection. Sometimes it's been helpful, sometimes all the more isolating.

I'm not really sure what to say, but I do "get it" to an extent.